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Children who grew up with divorced parents vs adoption..are we similar or different?

I was surrendered to an adoptive family at birth, and hence, I do come from a broken family. Just wondering if any of our issues about our parents run pararelle?

Did you feel different than all the other kids who had a mom and dad?
Did you feel sad or angry about your parents not being together?
Did you ever blame yourself for the reasons they called it quits?

Did anyone try to put a good spin on having divorced parents to you? Like, it's a good thing they are divorced?
Did anyone chastise you for not seeing eye to eye with a new step parent right away?

Are we more similar, or different in our experiences with our family?

 
adopteeme

Asked by adopteeme at 6:06 AM on Nov. 21, 2010 in Adoption

Level 16 (3,092 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • yeah cuz in one case your with kin, so there's family history there and similarities, etc.

    the other is adapting to a new situation with people who become your family but no shared family gene pool.
    Zoeyis

    Answer by Zoeyis at 7:42 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • Which is why you can't bad mouth the other parent in divorce. A child knows they are one half mom and one half dad. If you trash dad you don't love all of me is what a child is thinking. Only part of me. It is instinct. Even when kids don't understand biology they understand they are half of each. Now image you trash birth parents. What part of them, if any, do you really love? That is from a child's point of view. Which is why no matter what you don't trash the parents. You don't trash your spouse who is divorcing you, you don't trash the birth parents, and you don't trash the parents who are raising the child. In other words - you exercise compassion and understanding.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:57 AM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • Being adopted is not the same as children who's parents get divorced. its not the same as coming from a broken home unless your adopted parents get divorced. I do not think the two equate at all. I am adopted and I certainly do NOT consider myself having come from a broken home. my parents who raised me are my parents and they are married to this day 48 years later.
    katiPeas

    Answer by katiPeas at 6:10 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • I was adopted by a single woman. She married the next year and they had a very volatile relationship. He adopted me. When I was four he contacted polio and was paralyzed. This caused my mother to have to work and support us. We were very different than the normal family in my small town.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 6:47 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • My parents split in 1980, when I was just turning 6. To me, not living with both my parents was MY normal. My mother never acted as if our lives should have been any different. Some of my friends found it odd that I didn't live with both of my parents, as divorce was not common among my friends, but I never FELT 'different' because of it. I never felt as if it were my fault. Even at 6, I knew it was better this way. Things were violent before. A lot of yelling, screaming, windows breaking, etc. My mother did her best to let us know this was a good thing. And as things weren't as violent, we believed her.
    As for my stepfather. He is now the man I call 'Dad'. He earned that title. No one chastised me for not seeing eye to eye as parents don't always see eye to eye with their children..
    I think we are different. I never considered my family broken. It was what it was and it worked. Not broken, it was fixed.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 7:32 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • Far more different than similar.
    justnancyb

    Answer by justnancyb at 6:32 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • I don't think it's the same at all. You had no contact with your genetic roots until you were an adult. You had a lot of unanswered questions. Because of some circumstances that you have shared, you never really felt that you belonged in your adoptive family, either.

    My parents divorced when I was 16 because my Dad was deep into his alcoholism. He never abused us, but all of us kids were scared of him because he was always a drunken snarling beast. I was relieved when he moved out. My mom never remarried, so I never had to adjust to a stepfather. I was mad at my mom once and told her that I would just go move in with my dad. She told me very bluntly that he didn't want us (kids), and that he had not challenged her for custody. He wasn't very interested in staying involved with us, but at least I knew him and his family. He is a different person now and my parents remarried each other after 17 years of divorce.

    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:45 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • (cont) Even with our dysfunction, I always knew where I came from and I always felt I belonged. Nobody ever told me that I was lucky that my parents had split, although I was glad to see him go because our home was more peaceful.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:46 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • I work with a ton of kids who come from both divorced situations, adoption, and where dad and mom never married and there is this absent parent. What they all have in common? Grief and loss. Some parents tell their child right from the start that its a good thing their "real" father is out of the picture because he wasn't good for them. And list all the reasons why. Ouch. Then there are the parents who bad mouth each other through divorce in front of the kids. Those little snide comments that sometimes don't come from the parents but from the grandparents. Or the kids who never knew why or who their biological parents are....just wishing they knew a little more so they can feel like they know themselves. Here is the common link: every child needs to know the persons who gave them life cared and loved them. You can move on and live a good life when you KNOW that you were loved.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:46 AM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • And the theraputic process to heal for that grief and loss....the same. So I think for me it proves they are similar. You never get over it but you find a way to keep moving forward and a way to find peace and happines. It becomes very difficult if people in your life won't stop bashing those that you are connected to.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:00 AM on Nov. 22, 2010

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