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I am so hurt and confused...this is such a complicated issue to type out...but I will try...

My dh and I have been married 11 years happily...all except for his mother (in particular) It has recently gotten worse and I dont know why.

She has never been the most helpful or involved MIL....but lately it has been NO involvement on her part....even though she lives 3 blocks down the road. She has not been for a visit to our home in months and months...the only time she sees our kids is when WE take them to her.

In the past she has done various things to loose my trust and respect (would make this post too long) but anyways....I have pulled away and quit trying with her. I feel b/c she has ignored my kids and us too that she has lost her privalage of babysitting. Not that she wants too anyways...she told my SIL NO this summer to babysitting her son while she finished her nursing classes....I ended up watching him all summer while dealing with morning sickness.

Anyways...DH stands up for her regaurdless and never ceasing. I get blamed for the situation b/c I am not treating her equally like I do MY parents who are VERY giving loving and helpful with our kids....

Answer Question
 
mom2twobabes

Asked by mom2twobabes at 11:12 AM on Nov. 21, 2010 in Relationships

Level 22 (12,305 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • When I point out how I feel hurt and neglected by her and how she has ignored our kids....he says that doesnt matter, I should still treat her equally.

    I get frusterated b/c I have to hear about how BAD I am at this an he would NEVER dare say a word to his mother.

    So I feel like I am the only one to blame....I am not a perfect person....I have pushed her away...but I feel like she has earned it by being a crappy gmother. Which is not my fault....

    So sad and upset...what do you think....
    mom2twobabes

    Comment by mom2twobabes (original poster) at 11:14 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • I would find it very hard too. I think your husband should recognize the behavior of his mother and talk to her about it not really for your sake but your kids. He can still love her and stand up for her but her behavior is unaccepted in my opinion.
    CarlieJS

    Answer by CarlieJS at 11:18 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • First of all you're not to blame at all. It looks like this is just her personality. It is something you'll have to except and something you cant control. I think you can be civil toward her without being rude. I wouldn't want her around if she lost my trust. As regards to your children she's missing out. Can you sit down with her and tell her how you feel... She might not even take it the right way but at least you'll get it off your chest. Then after you talk to her, let her know that you're not going to be rude to her but yo had to let her know how you felt. Be the grown up in the situation not the child, she already has that role down. Still be respectful since it is your husbands mother but don't let your guard down. You seem like a smart lady dont stoop to her immature level.

    Jenaiko01

    Answer by Jenaiko01 at 11:25 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • You can't force her too change and sorry to say sweetie not a whole lot yoou can do she sounds very manipulative and I feel for you a but try and talk to hubby see what you can work out but YOU have done NOTHING wrong!!! Remember that!! Best of luck sweetie!!
    Korysmom96

    Answer by Korysmom96 at 11:40 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • also, keep conversations with hubby regarding his mother down to a bare minimum, sounds like he has turned a deaf ear to you anyway. It will be so much easier on your marriage if you can try to take the focus off of her. I know how much she has hurt you, but like the other ladies have said, this is her mode and personality. Accept who she is and get on with the business of life. You can still have that talk with her if you want to, but dont expect hubby to get it or intervene, this is his mother and he doesnt want to be in the middle,,good luck

    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 11:43 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • Girl, listen. I am in a similar situation. The only difference is that my DH does not defend the crap that his mom says and does. I try very hard to be civil towards her and believe me, it is not easy. My relationship with her is like a rollercoaster. We can absolutely fine one day and the next we are arguing. Sitting down to talk to her is impossible, so I don't try. You know the saying "Misery loves company"? That sounds like both of our MIL's. So I would say if she doesn't want to be a part of your life, screw her. Don't waste your time on miserable people. There is too much life to live for you and your children.
    mamax4our

    Answer by mamax4our at 11:47 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • I'm so sorry. I can hear how hurt you are in your post. I agree that there isn't anything you can do & that it sounds like it's her personality. Your husband needs to see how much this hurts you, and although I know he loves his mom, that she has some (if not all) of the responsibility for the way your relationship is (this is from a mother of 3 adult sons). I always feel that it's important to try & think how you will feel when it's your children, but it doesn't sound like she's very maternal or grandmotherly.

    I've been happily married for 22 yrs. We have the only grandchildren on both sides. My mother in law lives fairly close by & when the boys were small lived only 1-2 mi. away. She has seen the oldest a couple of times & the youngest once, he's 19 now. She isn't interested at all. I tried for a long time, this is my husband's mom & I really believe in family, but finally realized there was nothing I could do. *hugs*
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:50 AM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • I think you should thank your MIL for possibly not abusing your children. Many older people can't take the stress of babysitting. I don't babysit. I love my grandkids but I won't babysit. Noise sends me over the edge sometimes. I don't want to risk harming a child by yelling or otherwise damaging the child. Why can't you just accept her and not judge her? She may be doing you a favor. Maybe your dh knows her problem and that's why he supports her. There's always more than meets the eye so just accept her as is.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:09 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • Concentrate on being happy with your husband. Stop talking about his mom so he does not have to defend her. I would invite her over, maybe, once in awhile and not make any other overtures to her. If she does not accept just relax and know you tried. It is totally her loss. But concentrate on having a happy family with your husband. And stop comparing your parents to her. Simply accept how wonderful your folks are. hug
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 1:00 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • Bless the womens honesty by saying she does not babysit,at all. seems to me the scales are always tipped on seeing the grandkids and not seeing them. im not aware of the ages of your kids but maybe your MIL does not want the responsibility of dealing with kiddos anymore. i'd invite her to your kids functons and special occasions but i would quit putting your hubby in the middle. she is who she is. no matter how much you gripe and moan and groan its not going to change so change your attitude towards it. gotta let it roll off your back...
    lillie70

    Answer by lillie70 at 1:17 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

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