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Probably think this is a dumb thing to ask?

But here goes..I lovee reading more than anything,above going places,shopping,Its so relaxing to me,a good book,something to drink and I am gone.but before I do I get all my cleaning,cooking and everything else I have to do done first so I don't feel quilty about it.I have been a sahm for 20 yrs my youngest 16. I have been the one to do it all except have to work outside the home which would have cost me more in daycare with 4 kids,all but one is home now so of course less to do.When my dd calls and wants to come over during the day to visit and that would be everyday,I just want to be alone get my daily stuff done so I can read.She makes me feel like I have no life by loving to do this.She wants to go shopping and me with her.We do sometimes but then when we go and I'm needing some things for myself,I think since her idea she has some money,then get to the check out and she thought or thinks I should pay.I would if I could but we have very little extra these days.Her dh will even call her when were out and tell her things to pickup knowing he never gives her a dime,so expects me to pay for it all.I'm sorry I have two questions going.here.I have been very busy taking care of them for yrs.and now I love just getting up taking my time with whatever I have to do and then read.she calls all the time belittles me about what I like to do and that I love being home.And when we do go out wants me to look at everything she likes and wants and then assumes on little her Dad and I get to pay for it.His Mom her dh's parents spend alott of money on them and they r both going on 30 both work but expect us parents to pay for their meals when we go out together,my GD their dds things as well.Wow I hope I get an answer since I'm all over the place with my writing.sorry but how do u handle such grown,spoiled with things grown kids.I want to be left alone some during the week she hates housework so wants to come lounge,eat and watch tv here all the time.I hope someone can tell me how to really confront this.They r so sensitive too.Thanks from a scatter brain Mom...lol..

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:09 PM on Nov. 21, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (16)
  • ok, I am a bit confused who is "she"? I am confused on who it is you are referring to as belittling you and she wants to shop etc? Is this one of your children or a friend?
    WhiteTigerLily

    Answer by WhiteTigerLily at 12:22 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • Wow. I can't believe your daughter is like that. She is married and on her own, and yet she still wants you to treat her like a child. Well if she insists on that, if she were my daughter I would let her know how it looks from my point of view, and then I would tell her if she wants to come over everyday, she needs to do chores in order to earn the money and when you need to go to the store she can tag along and spend her money (that you always keep for spending when you two are together)
    Other than that tell her when she got married and moved out it became her responsibility to buy her luxury expenses and if she were ever in any trouble I would do my best to help her out but I have 3 other children to raise and she needs to be the adult she thought she was when she got married. You are an adult to and if you want to spend your free time reading at home, there is nothing wrong with that. Dont let your daughter bully or guilt u
    gottalovemal

    Answer by gottalovemal at 12:23 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • My in-laws r both retired and they have a dd who does this to them especially to her mom when I go visit my SIL is there with her family making themselves at right at home every once in awhile my SIL will suggest to go somewhere and my MIL would say NO not right now I have company and she's like it's ok they can come too I really don't want to go I'd rather just sit there with my in-laws and enjoy each others company. Sometimes I hear my MIL tell her straight up No or GO home or she'll tell her something about losing some weight but in a nice getting to the point kind of way. If I were in your shoes I would have to tell my dd no if I am not up to it and go if u r but I am like u I'd rather be by myself at times it's not that I don't love my family but I love the peace and quiet too. GL
    Butterfly1108

    Answer by Butterfly1108 at 12:24 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • My 27 year old daughter died 10 months ago. I would give anything to be able to spend all my time with her and give her everything.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 12:26 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • wow too too busy, I am sorry for your loss but I don't think that was an appropriate response. That makes the author feel guilty about wanting some time for herself and helping her daughter become a self sufficient responsible adult and not relying on her mother for everything. The mother should not feel guilty for wanting to do these things because that is what you are supposed to help your children to do when they reach that age.
    gottalovemal

    Answer by gottalovemal at 12:35 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • I have a daughter who is just like that. The first thing I am going to tell you is to take a shower and scrub that welcome sign off your back! My daughter is a control freak and wants to control everybody and everything! She lives a thousand miles away now-it's really a big relief. But she still tries to run my life-tell me what i need to do-when I need to do it-and get's furious if I happen to be on another line when she calls. She's totally unreasonable and out of control! But I refuse to answer her every call-and refuse to let her lay any of her little guilt trips on me. You have to believe in yourself enough to tell her when enough is enough-and stick to your guns! You just have to refuse to let her continue to walk all over you anymore. She will try alls kinds of shit to try to wear you down-stick to your guns Mom!
    MamaAlice54

    Answer by MamaAlice54 at 12:46 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • Ohh I'm soo sorry for ur loss,I couldn't imagine.My dd and I since she married grew closer and good friends but its just b/c I don't work outside the home and she works part time.She starts calling early to see what I'm doing and instead of getting up taking care of her home in which she HATES housework wants to come over here everyday.I do enjoy my children very much and my 2 GD's but just sayin that I can never be alone to read,clean whatever without her saying stuff to me like that's stupid to clean everyday,have Dad do it when he works his butt off for us.and also thinks if she don't come here I should be over there.I'm just needing advice on how to tell her how I love out time together but not all the timeee.Thankyou also Gottalovemal!!Very well put.Your good with words:)
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:00 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • No, you shouldn't be expected to foot the bill for your daughter's shopping expenses. And no there is nothing wrong with wanting to read. I also love to read.

    You tell her when she calls that you love to spend time with her, but that right now is not good and then mention which day and time you can and are willing to clear off for her.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 3:46 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • Ultimately, we teach people how to treat us. If you have started something that you now feel uncomfortable doing, please take control of the situation and put the brakes on it. It is your daughter's responsibility to purchase her own items. You raised four children, (so have I) and believe me I LOVE the peace and quiet. I feel that entitled young adults EXPECT everything but never give back. Stand your ground and shake it up. Let her know what you will and won't tolerate. PS. Have fun reading because I love to read too! :)
    twinkletoes0408

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 4:28 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • she married to cheap bugger and she wants you to pay for ever thing well mom next time she ask you out go dutch ,these way she can pay for items ,and about the food in the house hide some or put lock on them and mom it is okay to say no to your kids
    we as parents have to tell are kids enough is a enough,
    dutchcanadain

    Answer by dutchcanadain at 5:59 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

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