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Open Adoptions/Right from Wrong

Okay as a BM I had a question. My son is now 8 months old, was given for adoption at birth. I keep in fairly close contact with the AP's, but was just curious about something. We have an "open adoption" but wondered what everyone thought the limits of what I should or should not ask for is?

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Asked by ChristianJMommy at 11:37 PM on Nov. 21, 2010 in Adoption

Level 7 (190 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • This should all have been settled beforehand with the adoptive parents. Is there someone you use as a go-between for arrangements and such? If so, maybe they can help.

    Answer by LovingSAHMommy at 11:38 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • I've tried talking to the agency, because at the time I didn't know what the best thing to ask or say was before the papers were signed. However, the agency isn't much help at all.

    Comment by ChristianJMommy (original poster) at 11:43 PM on Nov. 21, 2010

  • bascialy it takes time for the adoptive parents and the BM to find a comfortabel level of relationship. I went and saw my middle son the first christmas after he was born. but after that we all decided it was best for me not to visit in person till he was old enough to be told more about me. nothing can be like set in stone. adoptive parents are not legally held to an open adoption they can actually change thier minds but rarely do. i would say talk to them and see what they feel is comfortable for THEM.

    Answer by katiPeas at 2:38 AM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • As a pp said, it's not something that can be set in stone. In the past 16 years since I placed my son our relationship has evolved and changed many many times. It always will. Talking to the aparents is the first step, see what their feelings are and if they would like things more open, closed, etc... Also, give the aparents time to figure out that you're not a threat to them. It seems silly, but most do feel that way and as bmom's we have to respect that. There's nothing wrong with asking for what you want, but reassure them that you are flexible and hopefully they'll meet you in the middle. :) Good luck. Also, if you haven't already try to find a birthmom support group. You have a long road ahead of you with many peaks and valleys. People that understand exactly what you're going through will be a huge help.

    Answer by TJFBGMommy at 7:14 AM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • You dont run the show now. THEY do. You take what you can get & hope if you DO ask for more that they dont get offended & cut you off all together. good luck.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:40 AM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • It really is too bad that this wasn't agreed to before relinquishment when you had some power. Now, they have all the power and you have none. Here's what I think you have the right to in open adoption.

    1. To know their name and address. If you have to communicate through the agency, you really don't have open adoption and sometimes the agency will close the adoption just because it's inconvenient for them to keep it open.

    2. Regular, agreed upon communication OR visits between you and your son. If your son is not involved in the communication you do not have an open adoption but an adult relationship, and your son will have a closed adoption experience. Kinda defeats the point. Open adoption is NOT co-parenting, never question the aparents parenting decision. Good luck :)


    Answer by onethentwins at 1:04 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • I think this is something that has to be discussed and decided between you and the AP's. Everyone is going to feel differently. In my family my little brother adoption was open (my parents are the AP's) he mother was invited to every birthday or life changing event or school function things like that. When my brother was very little he knew of her as Aunt Jessica (the BM). Once he was old enough to understand and know that she was his BM we told him (I got to tell him, because he was asking and my parents weren't around and we never wanted to lie to him, he wondered how she was an aunt). He now knows she is his BM but that mom is mom. She is married with other kids now and they are all very close. My parents are open to that but not all parents are. I think they are all blessed to have each other. her to have AP's that are as open as my parents, and my parents to have a BM that is around and involved and same for my brother.

    Answer by CarlieJS at 2:33 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • Not sure OTT it would gave made much difference if they had agreed on a plan beforehand or not. Sad to say, but, it really doesn't matter what anyone promises ahead of time. Might have been helpful thought at least to have discussed expectations though.

    What one aparent might consider reasonable, another might not. Ask for whatever you want, but do not assume or expect you will get it all. Just don't ask to have any part in any decisions re your child. That might freak out or put off most aparents. Don't grovel, but ask as tactfully as you can. Good luck!

    Answer by Southernroots at 2:48 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • I am an AMom and although we all knew we wanted an OA, we never discussed exactly what or how much would happen. Three months after placement we realized BFamily wanted more than we were comfortable with and we told them such. They went to the agency, there was a "meeting" between us all, and we were intimidated into agreeing to mostly what the BFamily wanted. I would suggest to NOT go through that route as that was the beginning of a downfall between us and DD's BFamily that we still haven't fully recovered from over 4 years later.

    If you already have fairly close contact with the AParents, you may already have an idea of what they would/would not be comfortable with. If you are e-mailing or sending letters, I would approach that way first. That way if there is an initial shock, you won't be there for it and it will have a chance to wear off before they respond.

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 5:33 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • I would suggest starting suggesting the lower numbers you wish for in visits and/or updates and/or pictures and adding "and we'll work from there." Leave everything open ended and make sure that you communicate to them that you want to make the decision WITH them.

    Now what to suggest is completely up to you and what you want out of this OA. Good luck!! :-)

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 5:38 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

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