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How do I handle my future in laws?

I am getting married in March and my fiance' s parents are shall we say, less than thrilled. Though they were always nice to me and my 3 year old dd before we got engaged, they were PISSED when they found out he proposed (he didn't tell them before hand because they are kinda controlling and they would take him telling them that he is going to as him asking if it is ok. His mom didn't even want to go wedding dresss shopping with me and my mom when I invited her. Anyway, from Sept 09 till last May things were kinda rocky, when they saw me they were a bit cold towards me and reffered to me as his "girlfriend" but otherwise still pleasent (everyone kinda walked on egg shells. But then in May, they had a problem because we went to Disney World on vacation for five days (me, him my dd and my family). They were mad because he didn't want to go to the Philippines for 2 weeks with them (he didn't have 2 weeks worth of time off at work) and tried to convince him not to marry me. He said there was nothing they could say, he would still marry me and if they don't like it they could not be apart of it. So they stopped talking to him after that and they have hardely spoken since. His mom invited us to Thanksgiving and Christmas (we can't go for Thanksgiving cause he is working, but we'll prob go for Christmas). Anyway the wedding is getting really close, we are going the traditional route and my parents are paying for most of the wedding. His parents said last May that they will not pay for anything for our wedding which is fine but they expect us to invite about 10 of their friends that he doesn't even know. They also want no part of the planning (exept tellin me who to invite). I know they still don't want him to marry me and I almost want to say that I don't want anyone there that neither me nor my fiance' knows. Part of me wants to say that if they can't be postive about the wedding, they don't need to come. I just wish they would come around. Is it said that all I want is for my future in laws to be nice to me?

 
JLS2388

Asked by JLS2388 at 2:45 PM on Nov. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Level 25 (25,280 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • Its a good thing you are marrying a man and not a mommas boy. The guest list is your decesion along with your husband. You can either not invite the 10 they want you to and say you have to stick to your budget if its that important to them they may offer to pay the extra for feeding those 10 people. Its your and your husbands day if they cant be nice or atleast cordial they should stay home. I would spend time with your fdamily who seem supportive as much as possible during the holidays to avoid drama.
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 2:59 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • Sorry you are having to deal with all of that! If they are not contributing and being so nasty. I would be thinking twice about inviting the friends that neither you or DF know...JMO but I dont think that they can get what they not and not be supportive to the two of you....Best of luck to you!
    rebeccadac

    Answer by rebeccadac at 2:53 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • I personally would not involve them in anything. I would just send them an invitation. Sence they do not want to help pay for anything. I would not invite any of their people. Just family on you SO's side.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 2:54 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • Thats a tuff situation.. in the end I would just say give them respect as they should do the same . There are people I dont always see eye to eye with but still try to be respectful towards just be careful about what you say but most important I hope you will be able to enjoy your wedding day. Wishing you the best.
    Raindew

    Answer by Raindew at 2:51 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • I wouldn't expect to be involved in the wedding dress shopping for a prospective daughter-in-law. I certainly never thought of inviting mine...

    Parents who expect to invite people to other people's events might need to have object lessons in being disregarded. Nod when they place limits on what they're willing to pay for (cause it's their money, not yours) and smile in a mildly confused way when they suggest people for the guest list, and then ignore it.

    You may think you 'know' what they are thinking, but you're hallucinating. They might be thinking all kinds of things, but a more accurate guess starts with 'about themselves'... if this is about you, they're probably not thinking it. If it's about them, they might be.

    You cannot expect people to be anything but themselves, consistently and persistently --especially if they're older than you. They probably treat their friends exactly the same way: you're not special.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 2:52 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • I know you want them to like you and they will be around for the rest of your life. 10 people wont add too much cost so I would just invite the guests they want to have and continue to be kind. Hopefully they will come around.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 2:56 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • LindaClement, I should have put it but they have SAID they still don't want him to marry me lol. The reason why I am upset about them expecting us to invite their friends is because they aren't paying for anything and my parents are paying for about 80% of the wedding and we are paying for the other 20%, since they aren't wiling to do anything for the wedding, I think they should be happy just to be invited. I invited my fmil to go dress shopping because I watch a lot of "Say yes to the Dress" (show on TLC about brides picking out wedding dresses) and a lot of them bring their fmil (as well as lots of other people). I figured it would be better to be nice and invite her and her say no then not invite her and she be pissed about that too.
    JLS2388

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 2:59 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • if they are not helping pay for food and you dont know the extra people: dont invite them plain and simple. if they mention something say you were on a limited budget and could only invite the people closest to you.
    chanelsparkels

    Answer by chanelsparkels at 3:01 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • ria7, I was gonna just invite those 10 people be my parents are getting divorced so they amount that they were gonna put in has be greatly reduced and we are only inviting like75-100 people so adding another 10 would be a really big deal (we are playing $50 a person so that would be $500 extra )
    JLS2388

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 3:02 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • Wow I was thinking about $12 a person..so I wouldnt make a squabble over $200 when these people will be around for the eest of your life. I would just express that to them..tell them you are sticking to your budget and the food is so much per plate and you are having to be very limiting on the guest list due to that. You may even offer to add one couple to the guest list if they are especially close friends.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 3:09 PM on Nov. 22, 2010