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Can my husband and I ever agree on our stepdaughter?

I have been a part of my stepdaughter's life since she was 4 years old. (She is 10 now) Actually, I have spent more time with her than her own mom has. I posted a question on here about how she called me a f****** b***** along with a lot of disrespect. I gave her a lot of warnings and it ended up being 3 weeks. So she ended up GETTING to go trick or treating with us... kind of to avoid conflict with her dad. Now, he is mad and wants her punishment lessened because he thinks it's SO unfair that I would ground her to her room for three weeks. So now and me and my husband are in disagreement and it makes it very difficult on our relationship. I am the one who is with her most of the time because my husband is outside working. But when he's around he says right in front of her that it is so unfair and she WILL NOT be grounded for 3 weeks... Do you all think that I am just unreasonable?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:26 PM on Nov. 4, 2008 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (11)
  • no you are 100% right for punishing her because if you let her keep doin it the more she is goin to do it and and she will get older and might be wayyyyy worse.
    ProuMom552

    Answer by ProuMom552 at 10:34 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • Whether your punishment was fair or not isn't the issue. Your dh should not say anything about it in front of your dd. That type of discussion needs to be done in private. If you both agree to lessen the punishment then so be it, but he should not say things like that in front of her. He is undermining your authority.
    robinann5

    Answer by robinann5 at 11:56 PM on Nov. 4, 2008

  • I do not think you are being unreasonable, I also think that she is never going to listen because you and your husband can not agree on this. She sees that it is causing problems with you and she is going to use that.

    I would go out to dinner with him and have a long talk with him about this. You both need to decided what is best and present a united front. Maybe you could come up with a compromise. Some thing like, if she is good then she can earn some free time. I would also talk to your husband what he thinks are fitting punishments.

    Good Luck
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 6:57 AM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • I don't think you're wrong, but you have to be on the same page with your DH. If she knows she can sway him, she will! I'd tell him, in private, that if he has an issue with your discipline to let you know, also in private. If her punnishment is lessened, it should not be the result of a disagreement you had in front of her.
    drowninginboys

    Answer by drowninginboys at 11:06 AM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • umm your kind of wrong. it is his kid, not yours. you need to really back up. hat isnt your kid. if the dad sasy she is ungrounded then she is! it is his kid, anyways, not yours!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:37 PM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • well i am the one who raises her more than her mom and her dad do combined. He steps in and tries to make things right because he feels sorry for her that she is being punished. she has toys in her room so it's not like I'm torturing her. she is at her moms also sometimes so when she is there, she is not on punishment. Thank you all for your advice (minus that last person's advice, because that just makes no sense SORRY)... My husband and I had a long talk last night that didn't go really anywhere. But I'm sure we will absorb all of the words said to eachother.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:39 PM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • you and your dh should look into love and logic parenting skills
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:48 PM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • I hate to break it to you, but it is going to get worse before it gets better. She will use it to drive a large wedge between you and your husband and yes, she knows what she is doing.
    If I were you and this was his child, then he would have to have the responsibility of her punishments. It's bad to become the tatle tale, but she's going to continue to disrespect you behind his back and he's going to have to really trust what you have to say. But it is his daughter!!
    She will hang herself. Hopefully before you reach the point that you don't care anymore.
    vstarwoman

    Answer by vstarwoman at 11:27 PM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • Wow, my welcome to my world! My husband is the same with his son (my stepson). I issued a punishment just this week that he thought was "too harsh" - (I told my husband last week what the consequences would be for a certain thing, and he okayed it, so I issued it when it became necessary.) and then he complains about it in front of the kid, making it out to be that I'm a horrible person. (He said I should have talked to him first - I already had!!!) I spend the most time with the kid, and my SS KNEW what the consequences would be ( we went over it several times so I know he understood) so I didn't feel bad punishing him. But what am I supposed to do when Daddy doesn't want to punish him? GRRRRR.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:16 AM on Nov. 6, 2008

  • Yes your stepdaughter needs to respect you, her father needs to step up and have a hand in disciplining her.  I would have a serious talk with your husband about what he thinks is acceptable punishments and make out a list so you have it in writing.  This behavior gets this punishment, this other behavior gets this other punishment.  And make an agreement between the both of you that each of you will stick to the list.

    ithi

    Answer by ithi at 10:53 AM on Nov. 6, 2008

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