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Sahms, part-time working moms, student moms and moms who make less than your partner...Do you ever feel belittled?

My situation..

I work 10-18 hours a week. I have a 2 year old and a 2 month old. The 2 year old is in daycare because he loves it and I work when my husband doesn't and stay home with the 2 month old. My husband hates his job and really wants a different one. I feel like he takes it out on me. I can not find a job that pays as much as his or i would gladly let him be a sahd.

Anyway, day after day I feel like if I don't get everything done, he thinks I should because I only bring in $140 a week. He gets cranky if I take a break from the kids, mention that I'm tired, forget to do something. I'm really tired right now so I'm sure this doesn't make too much sense. But I am the main caretaker when the kids are home. I have a 2 month old so I haven't slept more that 3 hours at a time for a while now. I do most of the house work, and I keep up a rental building. Some days I just don't do anything. I take a break. Like tonight I tried to make a complicated dinner for fun, but the prep took too long and by the time I sat down to eat he was frustrated about something I didn't do during the day and wanted it done right that second. Then he got upset that I was upset I couldn't just sit down and eat. Anyway, Do you ever feel like your husband/partner doesn't think you are pulling your weight?

 
sunshine58103

Asked by sunshine58103 at 11:52 PM on Nov. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,585 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • My husband tried that on... but it didn't have any traction because (and this is the really, really important bit) I DISAGREE.

    My husband can pay all the bills for the whole block, it doesn't mean he's more valuable as a human being (or that his work or opinions are more important) than anyone else.

    While lightening the mood on the subject, I always just say 'he works for it, but I get the money because it's mine.'

    But, really, it's a matter of valuing what I do --as a wife, homemaker, mother, citizen, friend, daughter, etc. From washing dishes to preparing Christmas dinner, I do what I value in ways that make me pleased with my results and I don't do what I don't value until everything I want to do is done (which has not happened yet).

    "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission." -Eleanor Roosvelt
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:31 AM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • You should really say to HIM exactly what you've said to us, in a calm, cool, tone. Be firm and tell him you are not the punching bag for him when he hates his job. Tell him to look for a new job or be thankful for now, that he has one. Tell him it is an impossibility for you to be maid, mother and employee to his satisfaction every day. If he doesn't like this, tell him to work overtime to hire a damn housekeeper. Honey, don't let him start this shit because he'll NEVER change once he's gotten a hold of you with this stuff. Good luck! You can do it!
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 11:59 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • Never. My husband may have his faults but that is not one of them. He is very supportive of me staying home and when I announced I wanted to enroll back in school, he supported that too.
    Orionsgirl

    Answer by Orionsgirl at 11:58 PM on Nov. 22, 2010

  • Nope. He's just going to be glad that I will have income. And I am glad that I can help with Christmas this year. However, I can't wait to see how this all pans out with the housework and laundry, kids, etc.
    Izsarejman

    Answer by Izsarejman at 12:02 AM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • Thank you. I told him part of it, but I like the way you worded it. I told him it would be nice for him to volunteer once a month to watch the baby at night and let me sleep and that I was sick of being cruise director from the moment I step though the door.
    sunshine58103

    Comment by sunshine58103 (original poster) at 12:04 AM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • I also told him that if I did go back to work full time that it would be a complete wash with daycare and I would STILL have to pay the bills, clean the house, do laundry, etc. I'm not willing to do that. I just don't understand when the second baby is suppose to be a piece of cake and I'm such a slacker for only tending to a 2 month old. (Yes he is WAY easier than my first born, but I'm still wishing for a full night's sleep)
    sunshine58103

    Comment by sunshine58103 (original poster) at 12:06 AM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • Yup. i don't work part time anymore, but I did for 8 years after having our first child. My dh WANTED me to stay home but he liked having help with the income too. And yet he expected things to still get done on my days off. Now I am a SAHM and apparently that means I have all the time in the world! Never mind the toddler I chase around, the running I have to do for him and the kids, the phone calls, the bills to pay, the interrupted sleep because my toddler has suddenly decided to wake up at night. He works nights so when he gets home in the morning he goes to bed and has at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!! Yes I am on cafemom at night - it is MY time to chill, and I don't sleep well anyway, but even now there is laundry going and dishes will start as soon as the laundry is done. We've had many a disagreement lately about what isn't getting done! The other day I'd had enough and said.....(CON'T)
    mama2000_1

    Answer by mama2000_1 at 12:14 AM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • (CON'T) Well the maid told me not to worry about doing the laundry or cleaning the bathrooms and the chef you hired said he had dinner all set to go and the tutor you hired said not to worry about helping the kids with homework and the chauffer said he had the errands covered and would also pick up our son from soccer (the ONLY thing he is involved in), so I just took the day off and did nothing all day. He didn't think that was very funny - but he got the point!! lol
    mama2000_1

    Answer by mama2000_1 at 12:20 AM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • Thanks mama2000. Glad to see I'm not alone. Sad to see you're dealing with the same crap.

    Yep. I do Cafemom with the baby sleeping on my chest at night because it's the only quiet time.
    sunshine58103

    Comment by sunshine58103 (original poster) at 12:23 AM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • I think you are handling it better than you thought. Like you said, daycare would be a wash--and it's true! I still have to remind my dear husband that if he wants something a certain way, he can do it. I also remind him, we are different people, raised different ways and my way is just as good as his. We've been at marriage 13 years and my kids are 7, 8....men just need a kick in the butt from time to time and toss in a nice meal once in a while to show you care. : )
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 12:36 AM on Nov. 23, 2010