Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

What would you do? adult content

I have this huge fear that my SO is masturbating anytime I am not in the room with him. We don't have sex as often as I would like and I know that he used to masturbate a lot as I had no sex drive. I used to tell him to. Now that I want to have sex again I don't want him to masturbate and he knows it. I have caught him a couple of times and it really hurts my feelings. I understand that I used to ask him to because I hated sex but since he knows I want it don't you think it is rude. Last week I came to bed ten minutes after he did and started touching him and got no response which is not normal. Then I found a wet spot on the sheet that to me was obviously semen. He told me he didn't do it and he didn't know what that was. What would you do in this situation? I am really hurt and don't know what to do.

Answer Question

Asked by xredstarsx at 5:30 PM on Nov. 23, 2010 in Relationships

Level 10 (436 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Talk it over again and see if you can reach some sort of compromise. There's nothing wrong with him pleasuring himslef sometimes, but not at the cost of you two never getting together.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:34 PM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • My thinking in regards to myself & my husband, if I were feeling this way.

    I can't expect my husband's sexual needs/desire to revolve around mine in the sense of: you can masturbate when I say it's okay, and when I say it's not you must stop. I can't tell him it's okay to pleasure yourself when I have no interest in pleasuring you, but when I'm interested you can't. That just wouldn't work for me. I would never stand for my husband trying to regulate me and my sexual needs/desires in that manner.

    If we were having these types of issues. It would be time for some open honest sexual communication. Discussing and sharing why my needs have changed, how we can work together to meet each other's needs, and working to try and understand & accept each other's sexual needs.

    This is how I would feel and how I would handle this situation. This is in no way shape or form what I think you should do or feel.

    Answer by pixie_trix at 5:35 PM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • Have you tried sitting down and talking to him and telling him how you really feel about the whole situation? I think you should try talking to him and fully explain exactly how it makes you feel and how you feel about the situation... good luck =)

    Answer by mommyof2chasmin at 5:36 PM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • You need to talk about it. Tell him that things have changed and that you want him to come to you first. Tell him if he doesn't it could do serious damage to your marriage.


    Answer by gdiamante at 5:36 PM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • incorporate some toys that will spark his interest .

    Answer by maya123 at 7:14 PM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • Nope he isn't interested in toys at all. What little sex life we have is very plain. nothing is ever out of the blue. There is no seducing. He tells me to take off my clothes and we lay next to each other touching. after about five minutes of that he gets on top of me for 5 minutes and then I roll over for doggie for him to finish. Its boring but better than nothing.

    Comment by xredstarsx (original poster) at 7:20 PM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • I'm not trying to be rude, but I think it's selfish of you to tell him he can's masturbate. If he's not getting it from you what is he supposed to do. He has needs just like you do. Wouldn't you rather him do it himself instead of finding someone else. It's natural.

    Answer by chickychatter at 7:23 PM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • For the person above me you misunderstood. I don't have a problem with him doing it except he is doing instead of being with me. If it were as well as having sex 3 times a week at least it would be okay but I know he is masturbating way more than we have sex and I don't feel that is okay. i would think he would want a real live person more than his hand and a computer screen. We have had sex about 2-3 times a month for the last 3 months and we are in our mid twenties. It doesn't seem normal to me and it is driving me crazy.

    Comment by xredstarsx (original poster) at 7:28 PM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • My DH used to masturbate more than sex with me. It wasn't an issue for us until I hit 35 and my sexual peak. It took a lot of talking, some tears, some new sexual exploration and a lot of time for things to change. When I look back on it, I understand that it was hard for him to change his habits. And I think he understands how I felt when I came to bed wanting sex and found out he already took care of that a few hours earlier and didn't have it in him. Communicate with him! Don't get mad that he does it but do tell him how you feel and what your needs are! Keep at it and try new things and ask him if he has any ideas how to change things.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:34 PM on Nov. 23, 2010

  • Oh, I am sorry , I did misunderstand. I don't understand why he would want to masturbate instead of being with you. It is something that you need to discuss with him. I hope things get better for you.

    Answer by chickychatter at 8:07 PM on Nov. 23, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.