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Lazy or something wrong ?

My mother in law is raising my husband's brothers son who is 8 years old... His birthmom was addicted to drugs when he was born which is my my MIL has him now ( she adopted him ), but the fact that my MIL literally lets him do as he wants doesnt help...

She cant handle him now and now wants my husband and I to step in... she always wants him to come stay with us because it is hard for her to handle him ( she is 70 years old ) .... We keep him sometimes and I have tried to get him to join things like pee-wee football, karote, baseball.... just anything to help him get his energy out, but since MIL is his actual parent and has the say-so she lets him quit after the first day when he doesnt feel like going back, and therefore it doesnt work.

he is 8 years old and he wont go to the bathroom... I know he knows how to because he wont go at school, only at home, and he will say he didnt feel like getting up .

He destroys everything - coloring on the walls and furniture with perm. marker, even smashing food on the walls or purposly breaking things.

he doesnt listen and tries to sneak to do things ( I will tell him not to do something so he will watch me to make sure I am not looking and do it anyways) ...

Wether it is laziness ( or being spoiled as MIL doesnt punish him or correct him when he does this stuff) or actually something wrong ... we think MIL needs to take him to talk to someone , but she said no because she doesnt want anyone to give him "zombie pills" .....

I honestly think it is laziness because he acts fine at school ! But that is still not normal right?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:47 AM on Nov. 24, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Answers (13)
  • It's likely partial laziness, but I bet that there is something else going on as well. If his mother was addicted to drugs, was he exposed to drugs/alcohol while she was pregnant with him? A lot of what you describe sounds like FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). Has he ever been tested?

    Answer by Scuba at 9:50 AM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • she didnt drink while pregnant ( she said she didnt like the taste but of course she liked the taste of more harmful drugs...)

    He was born addicted to oxy-cotine ( sp) ... and I know that probably also causes some of the problems he has, MIL took him to 1 DR when he was a baby and the DR told her he was fine, so she just goes with that, and never got another opinion

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:52 AM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • he needs TESTING. and MIL needs respite care, stat.

    Answer by hibbingmom at 9:54 AM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • Sounds like he might need a little more support than you guys can give him.

    Drug exposure in utero can impact brain development in a lot of negavite ways. You should see about having him evaluated so he can start getting services, then maybe he'll be ready for an organized sport or something like that.

    Answer by UpSheRises at 9:54 AM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • I think laziness/spoiled is his most problem. I think MIL is spoiling him and at 70 years old she probably just doesn't have it in her to disipline him properly. I would tell her I would help but only if she doesn't let him quit the things you start with him. I am sure he knows better and she just lets him get by with it all.
    I think you should push for some testing on him and make her understand that this is best for the child

    Answer by Moms_Angels1960 at 9:55 AM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • Your MIL and nephew need to have someone that can help them find support someone that is nonjudgemental. It is easy for them to be ignored or blamed but someone or some organization needs to step in and give them the assistance they desperately need.

    Answer by tootoobusy at 9:57 AM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • It sounds like he is spoiled. If he can do things at school he can do them at home. I would not bail out your MIL's poor choices with the boy unless you and your hubby had custody of him so that your decisions actually stick. Honestly, I don't think a 70 year old has any business raising a kid, but I'm sure there are plenty out there who disagree with me.


    Answer by scout_mom at 10:07 AM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • I would guess that there are probably some physical challenges he faces due to the drug exposure in the womb- now that he is older there is a lot more testing that can be done to see if he has attention or cognitive problems. Not all of these need treatment with medication, although medication is sometimes needed, a lot of the time just understanding the challenges and some better coping techniques can help solve some of the problems. He probably has a lot of emotional challenges as well. Even 8 years old is old enough to understand your mother abandoned or could not care for you, your father isn't your primary parent, and grandma can't handle you so she sends you off to your aunt and uncle. It's easy for kids to feel they are the reason- i.e. my mother didn't love me enough and why would anyone else love me or why would I love myself. He may be spoiled but destruction could be a cry for help. He needs an advocate. Good luck.

    Answer by MaryMW at 11:33 AM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • There is eveidence and a relationship between mothers' prenantal drug use and neurologic damage of the baby's does sound like hs mother's drug use and his subsequent addiction at birth has damaged him. He does need help badly. The things he does are not normal, not just being lazy or being a brat. He shows some bad symptoms,signs. Good luck getting help for him .....lots of people just want to ignore these things. He could be a criminal , a severly handicapped adult some day...then it will be too late.

    Answer by kerp1960 at 11:43 AM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • ok, someone needs to step in for the well being of the child. She is older and this will only get worse as he grows. Where the hell is dad in all of this?

    Answer by salexander at 11:43 AM on Nov. 24, 2010

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