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adoption.... do you regret your decision to adopt out?

that's such a selfless love!


Asked by melody77 at 12:13 AM on Nov. 5, 2008 in Adoption

Level 18 (5,435 Credits)
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Answers (14)
  • i really don't understand some of the posts that claim adoption is wrong & that it hurtful to children. there was no way either of my birthmothers could have parented the child they had. one was so high on dope & meth she couldn't even get to the hospital to deliver. my son was born w/ drugs in his system. she is clean and sober now & we have a great relationship, but the only reason she is (and she would tell you this) is because the unconditional love & support the adoption agency & adoptive family (me) gave her. the other was 14 yrs old, w/ no family support to speak of. her mom was hooked on drugs & she did not know her father. how could she have raised my daughter on her own? both of my birthmothers did what was best for thier children, not for themselves. adoption is a loving choice for many women! please don't disparage that!


    Answer by wonderyearsmom at 2:34 AM on Nov. 7, 2008

  • Yes, I absolutely regret my decision to relinquish my son, and most moms that I know who relinquished do have deep regrets. The reasons that moms relinquish vary a great deal; I hate portraying relinquishment in a way that makes it always seem the best option. It is not always the right choice. I think parenting can be as selfless a decision as relinquishing a child to adoption.


    Answer by Southernroots at 1:37 AM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • If you had asked me this 17 mo ago, I would have told you "Probably not".


    Answer by randi1978 at 2:59 AM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • YES. Can I ask why you're asking? Just wondering because you say it's such a "sefless love", that's all.

    Answer by lillie023 at 3:43 AM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • I am an adoptive mother to a little girl from China... so for us it was a selfless love... the first parents don't have a choice in China..

    Here in the US, I know a lot of first moms through message boards and I would never tell them it is a selfless love. There are so many emotions in the adoption triad. Most first moms that relinquish do so thinking that they can't provide for their child. Which is in fact not true many times. There needs to be a lot of adoption reform. First moms should NOT feel pressured by ANYONE to relinquish their child. It tears me apart that Lillian's first parents don't get to know if she is alive and well and very loved. It kills me that they will never see pictures of her or even see her mature into a young woman.
    I am so sorry that y'all live everyday without being with your children. It must be very difficult.

    Answer by mcginnisc at 7:48 AM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • i asked cause i have 7 sil in which 5 can't have kids. they are in desperate need to do so. adoption is an alternative for them. i think if a young mother feels she can't and does so that she is thinking of her baby and not herself. i think that is why it seems such a selfless love. i know that my sils would make great mothers. it's weird though that one of my sils had one child and now can't have any more but i feel for them all the same. i would hope that no one would regret their decision cause i really do think that the baby is happy. i know for one sil she has adopted one so far and she is spoiled to death.

    Answer by melody77 at 12:04 PM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • You can "hope" nobody would regret giving their child to adoption but the reality of it is, many of us do. Our child is gone. He/she is not ours any longer in the eyes of the law & sometimes in the eyes of the public and sometimes even in the eyes of the people who adopted them. We are mothers yet we are not allowed by some to claim the title. Sometimes the adoptive parents take pity on us & send us pictures and updates but sometimes, despite all the promises, we are left in the dark to wonder how are children are doing. And sure a baby who is taken care of and "spoiled" is going to be happy. But one day that child will grow and they might begin to wonder "why?" and maybe we will be reunited and maybe we wont. It's a lose no matter how "self-less" you interpret it to be. It doesnt heal my wounded heart to know that other think I am so "wonderful" & "full of love" for giving my child to someone else.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:46 PM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • Yes, with every fibre of my being. Saying that it is a selfless love implies that it would have been selfish of me to raise my own baby. Do you think I would not have been a good mother to my son? I would have. When I gave up my son I was ignorant about the lifelong effects of adoption, particularly to the adoptee. Children are not blank slates and are hurt by being separated from their mothers, growing up in a household without the benefit of genetic mirroring. My worst regret is how my son has been hurt by what I did. And before you say it, he had model adoptive parents.


    Answer by onethentwins at 7:55 PM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • "But I certainly don't want her to regret that she provided our child with a loving family and a healthy environment to grow up in"

    shouldnt that read "her" child. 


    Answer by Anonymous at 8:09 PM on Nov. 5, 2008

  • i think if a young mother feels she can't and does so that she is thinking of her baby and not herself. (melody77)

    Actually, it's not usually the mother that thinks she can't mother--it's the people around her who are pushing her into it, like lawyers who stand to make a HEFTY profit by making her feel like she'd be a worthless mother, parents who are ashamed of their unwed daughter, society who makes her feel that since she's in a tight financial spot, because she's young, she's unmarried, etc. The majority of mothers DON'T want to lose their children. It's the opposite--but when everyone is telling you that you're being selfish if you want to raise your baby (which is the most natural instinct, after all), it's hard not to do adoption. We were pressured and it was wrong!


    Answer by orangeorbie at 11:46 PM on Nov. 5, 2008