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Do you ever get to a point? (bit of a long vent also....sorry!)

Just wonder if you ever get to a point where you realize this is not the life you expected, you are not where you thought you would be and you start to realize there is so much more out there? I realize life throws you curve balls and you are responsible for your own destiny to an extent, but sometimes I think my circumstances have held me back and that I am missing out on so much more.

My husband has never been real supportive and pretty much has been in a position where he does what he wants and I am the responsible one. I am the one that works full time because the bills need to be paid while he works at his leisure as he is self employed because if he works somewhere and gets mad he tells someone off and is outta work, kinda hard to work for someone when you do this.

I am the one that has to make childcare provisions, even if he is not really working, I am still have to find a "sitter" because heaven forbid I inconvenience him. If he has plans to go fishing and my sitter bails, it is my issue even if I have to work. I don't take time for me because I have no money left and I cannot afford to pay a sitter just to have me time.

I work full time, take classes full time online, and we have 3 children (8,6, and 4). I feel often like I am doing it alone so I may as well do it alone. Even in going back to school I get no support from hubby, he seems irritated that I do it cuz I can't be at his beck and call.

I have met people and talked to people over the years and I know that there are nicer people out there and often feel as though I have settled and I am tired of settling. I am sure many will say, work it out for the sake of your kids but I really don't think my heart is in it anymore. Am I selfish for feeling this way?

I got a real kick in the butt about a year ago and ever since then I am not the same person I was as hubby said things that really changed how I see him and I lost respect for him. I know there are nicer people out there and I know I am doing what I need to do for my family. Sadly I still feel stuck right now because my money pays all the bills and that leaves me with nothing. He has run me into finacial ruin and I cannot just let things slide and make a run for it with the kids, that just would not be right......I guess I just needed to vent because I am not sure what to do.

Yet thru all of this I don't hate him, I just don't love him the way I think I should or how I use to as I realize he has made my life less than what I know it could be but I am so grateful for my children and what I have learned over the years.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:09 PM on Nov. 24, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Wondering if you have sat him down and told him this exact thing...but wishing you happiness in whatever you choose
    Raindew

    Answer by Raindew at 12:14 PM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • If you can deal with it then stay. If you have gotten to the point where you say "Enough is Enough, I can do better on my own" then go for it. I did and for the same reasons. I've never regretted it and I had 3 children too
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:15 PM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • If he is not providing for you financially, emotionally, our even helping out with your children then it seems to me like there is no reason for him to be there. I don't believe that working things out for the kids is always the best option. Infact, in certain cases that can be the worst possible reason to stay. Mom needs to be happy and the kids need to be in a happy environment. I think you have already made your decision from what it sounds like and for what its worth, I think its the right one.
    Ctink8189

    Answer by Ctink8189 at 12:18 PM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • I think that you need to have a heart to heart with him. And then if it doesn't work, start cutting out all non-essentials...especially ones that deal with him (since he is not being very helpful to pay or work with the kids).
    then start stashing money back and move on with your life.

    Although it may seem that you don't have the money to do it on your own, you probably do. I did even with all the bills that he left me with. It wasn't easy and I did without a lot, but I did it and I and my DD are happier for it. So is he even though he is still mad that I don't need him.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 12:18 PM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • yep.i feel like my life could be different and better.tired of settling and i am about to do something about it.
    alyssa1

    Answer by alyssa1 at 12:31 PM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • I don't get to that point. I have things i would like to do in life, but i don't have super high expectations because expectations lead to disappointment. I take things a day at a time. And if i am unhappy with something, i simply change it. I don't ponder on how my life didn't turn the way i expected it to. NOBODY'S life turns out how they expect it to. That's part of life & learning.

    Your life is the way you allow it to be. Do something about it if you are unhappy, change it. It takes courage to change your life for the better though, people get comfortable in their ruts. But, the only way to make it better is to change something. Do it...i know you can. Do what makes YOU happy!
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 12:47 PM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • well, me personally, no! I am very fortunate, I mean my DH does night duty with the babies ( when they are little) He is active army, and still helps on the weekends with all chores and cooking, and he is so supportive, I cant reall one time that he has gon out and done somehing without all 7 of us..lol But we love to be together, and are best frineds, you know? If you feel thatyur DH is brin you down, I recommend talkng wiht him about the issiues and explain that you are ot happy, but want to be wiht him! Hopefully you can work it out!
    JoLee12345

    Answer by JoLee12345 at 12:53 PM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • I just finished watching a TED talk about happiness...and one of the things the speaker said is that research has found that a major difference between happy and depressed people is the use of the word 'I' in their writing and speaking.

    People who focus on themselves to a very large degree are much, much more likely to kill themselves than people who use the words 'we, us, our' more. That in itself indicates the large difference in the impact our attitude has, and that is largely within our power to change. This is the reason one of the best pieces of advice depressed people can get is to volunteer.

    As an exercise in thinking a different way, you might like to re-write your question eliminating all the I, me, mine, my and replacing them with the words us, we, our. You will be forced to change the light you see a lot of this story in to do so, which you may find unpleasant because giving up our pet peeves is uncomfortable.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:54 PM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • I hear you and I do kind of understand I think you need to weigh your options and see if counseling might work. If he is not willing to change find a way to save small amounts to get out. I know it hard when you are paying everything but generic vs name brand on some things will help. Cutting down  to base needs cable, phone, energy saving items, and keeping your car tuned up cut down on gas cost and repairs.


    I believe in marriage but if you are not in one where you both are working toward a positive goals you need to get out. Really take time to ask yourself these questions.


    What does he do for our family? kids? home? and me? If you get negative I say you work towards a happy place for you and your kids.

    karing4elmas

    Answer by karing4elmas at 4:53 PM on Nov. 24, 2010

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