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Reunited adoptees - did you feel pressure to establish a certain level of contact?

My husband met his younger sister when they were both in their 40s. She is awesome, and we love her. He and his mom are both disappointed that they don't have more contact with her. I've told them that they need to let her decide what feels okay. I can only imagine how she might feel. All of a sudden she has a bunch of new expectations on her.

Did anyone else feel like that? I'd also be interest in ing from others in the triad who have experienced reunion. How has it been going?

Answer Question

Asked by Iamgr8teful at 10:34 PM on Nov. 24, 2010 in Adoption

Level 25 (23,279 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • For reunion feelings there is a wonderful book called "Birthright; A guide to Search and Reunion for Adoptees, Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents by Jean A Strauss, an adoptee. Jean Strauss also has a documentary airing on PBS this month called "Adopted for the Life of Me". DVR time. You might also be interested in checking out the Adoption Reunionn group here on CM. Lots of posts and thoughts from people in reunion. you don't need to be a member to read, post or answer.


    Answer by onethentwins at 11:40 PM on Nov. 24, 2010

  • As an adoptee I did feel like I was the one who had to keep in contact with my "new" family. I was found by my 1/2 sister and through her got to meet my birthmom and 2 1/2 brothers. We are not that close but then again I live 3000 miles from them. My birthdad and I have met once and I have gotten a few letters from him over the past 10 years. His 3 daughters want nothing to do with me. It is hard to start any relationship and keep it growing, it takes work from both sides. I just never felt like I belonged with them and it was great to meet them and get some questions answered but I do not feel a close bond with them.
    I found my son (just last year) who I placed for adoption, he is now 19 and we are very close. He calls me often and we text daily. He and I have a very special bond. We are so much alike and have very strong feelings for each other. We have a "conection" I guess you would say that "needed" to be filled.

    Answer by ChrissyH at 8:18 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • All reunions take work from both sides and there are so many emotions to work through. I feel very lucky to have the relationship I do with my son. And I hope in time we stay very close; so many adoptees seem to pull away after their questions are answered. It always felt funny to be to be the one to reach out to my birthfamily, I wish they contacted me more and showed they want me in their lives.

    Answer by ChrissyH at 8:23 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • Thank you both! ChrissyH, I'm sorry for your experience with your birth family, but I'm glad you have such a great relationship with your son and hope it continues.

    My DH's mom just mentioned that she told "B" that she had hoped to hear from her more often (this woman is a master at throwing guilt), and made her cry. I tried to explain to her how overwhelming it must be for her to suddenly have a new family with all these expectations, and that we need to let her decide how much contact is comfortable. DH's mom has destroyed her relationship with her older two children, and I hope she isn't on her way to doing it again with "B".

    Comment by Iamgr8teful (original poster) at 6:09 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • In my situation there was no pressure to stay in contact and some of my birthfamily did not want any contact at all. I wanted to stay in contact with some but not all of the people I met. It kind of sorted out over time. But there has to be an effort and willingness on both sides. The thing is some adoptees may want to know who they are related to and have some answers to things like medical history but may not be that interested in a relationship with the birth family. Then there are others who want to include the birth family as part of their extended family. And then there are those that are somewhere in between. Every stiuation seems to be different in some ways.

    Answer by confused969 at 6:48 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • I am 24 years old and was adopted at age ten.I have not felt any desire to reunite with my birth mother but curiosity about my birth father caused me to seek him out ( I was raised by his parents and had a relationship with him as a child).He gave me up for adoption or I should say dropped me off at a has station and left it to them to call CPS.Needless to say I found my half sister on fb and she and I chit chatted a bit and he requested me as a friend shortly after.I can 't lie and say I was happy because I still have a lot of hurt and anger built up.We have talked a little bit, but both he and my birth aunts and uncles have been pushing for a reunion "visit'.I am not comfortable with this at all but since stating that I am not ready they rarely communicate with me anymore...

    Answer by amberfm at 3:35 PM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • I was reunited with my younger siblings. One of my sisters and I do not get a long at all. She cusses in every sentence, tells everyone to f-off...she and I dont get along very well. Sad because I remember her as a baby, I loved her so much, but she is so brother doesnt remember much, he's in and out of prison, my youngest sister is a sweetheart...but she's heading down a path full of tests. I hope she makes it.

    Answer by 4heartbeats at 10:14 PM on Dec. 19, 2010

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