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4 Bumps

How involved are you with your adult step children?

My step children are from ages 23 to 21. I never see or hear from the oldest, my husband doesn't either, but that is just who she is.

The youngest son he used to live with us and he is always coming around, but the middle daughter just started coming around b/c she needs stuff b/c she is having her 2nd baby and doesn't have much help.

How involved would you be if you know she is just coming around b/c she has needs?


Asked by Bubbie0809 at 11:41 AM on Nov. 26, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 31 (47,643 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (39)
  • I would be there for her for emotional support, but let her know that you cannot be financially responsible for her.

    Answer by Shanna84 at 8:03 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • I wouldn't really care WHY they were coming around - especially the one with my (step)grandchildren. I'd be the crazy step-grandma who goes to THEM three times a week with diapers, groceries and toys asking if there was laundry to fold. Lol. : )

    Answer by DazzlednSeattle at 11:45 AM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • I've been involed with my sd since she was 14, she would come stay with just went through a divorce and has been staying with us til his power is turned on in his new home...feel bad for him and all he has gone through...

    Answer by JazzyJes at 12:19 PM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • Purplerobin, enabling? Did you read something I didn't? I was pretty sure it didn't say her step-daughter was pregnant... and shooting up heroin, buying $40 worth of scratch tickets a day, leaving her kids in the parking lot of taverns all night long while she gets drunk or spending her rent money on designer bags and concert tickets.

    It said she was pregnant and she's coming around because she doesn't have much help.

    If you think folding laundry and buying groceries is 'enabling' then... whatever....

    I love my kids. I would WANT to see them and WANT to offer whatever support I could for them and make their lives easier.


    Answer by DazzlednSeattle at 11:00 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • I don't believe in separating children from step or bio. If I had a stepchild I would treat them exactly like I would my own biological children (I was a stepchild who was treated LIKE a stepchild and it was hurtful, my step-mom raised me from 7-17 and still treated me like I was less than nothing). I would help out my children if they needed an extra hand because life was hectic so i would do the same for my husban's child.

    Answer by tracylynnr67 at 12:20 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • Rrrrright, Purplerobin. It seems your own experience has shaped your views on what a healthy level of family support and involvement entails. I'm not exactly sure what the fact that you live off public assistance proves? That you obviously DO need help that you're not getting elsewhere? Do you truly believe that your mother stopping by and bringing you lunch and a casserole a few times a week would be the irresponsible and unduly dependant choice - when the alternative is feeding your family with food stamps?

    That might be your life, but it's certainly not what I'd want for my children. Whether they just wanted to take advantage of the help I was offering or they truly enjoyed my company, it matters little to me. Such is the life of a parent. If I have the resources and the time (which I do) then I'd be blessed to be able to share them with my kids - whether they were in earnest need or not.

    Answer by DazzlednSeattle at 2:29 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • Thank you, Martina. : )

    With that, I'll have to bid adieu... while I go enable my 18 year old with homemade pie. Afterwards, I'll be sure to ask her if she feels any increased feelings of dependancy or an inexplicable dip in self-confidance. I'll report back my findings. Hehe.

    Answer by DazzlednSeattle at 2:52 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • And, food stamps is assistance. You are beign ASSISTED is buying groceries and the tax payers are paying for those on food stamps to be on assistance.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:24 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • I would find a healthy middle ground. I wouldn't do everything, but I also wouldn't sit back and do nothing. I would provide some assistance, but expect her to find ways to help herself as much as possible as well.

    Answer by Cavwife12 at 9:25 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • Purple, I would personally prefer to help my adult child out with groceries, bring my left overs over & invite them over for supper vs. them being on assistance. Quite frankly people on assistance are being enabled by the taxpayers, so what's the difference if a parents chooses to 'enable ' their adult child by doing what it takes to keep them OFF of assistance OR by just having them over for extra family time? As far as doing laundry once a week goes, how does that work/ It's just hubby and I and I STILL do laundry twice or three times a week. When I had kids at home I did it every single day. And if I had adult children who would either have to use a laundry mat or use my washer/dryer for free, i would much rather them come here and do their laundry. Honestly your way of thinking is the same as my ex-daughter in law's and is why my 24yo son has so much trouble interacting with us after her brainwashing.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:22 PM on Nov. 27, 2010