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3 Bumps

Important (at least to me) marriage question.

I'm 23, my husband is 25, we've been together 7 years, married 4. Neither of us had a relationship before each other. I fell in love with him because he was so sweet and so loving. We had such a strong connection.

Fastforward and he is not the same man. I love the man he is now. He's strong and confident and intelligent. But we are having a hard time communicating. He is no longer romantic... at all. Ever. And I really REALLY need it. And when he tries to express that intense love feeling I'm not picking up on it.

The result is me not feeling fulfilled. I'm happy enough, but I don't want to live my life feeling like there is something important missing. Life is too short! We talk about this stuff a lot because I want it to change, but now he's starting to feel like I can't be happy and I'm always looking for a problem. He's getting frustrated with it, and, too, he just doesn't have it in him to be the romantic man I fell in love with 7 years ago. So I'm always bringing it up and he feels like I'm accusing him and not happy with him :(

What can I do?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:53 PM on Nov. 26, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • There is nothing missing, you're growing up.

    What you are missing (and will go on missing for the rest of your life) is that sense of completeness that came from not having the brain structures that you have recently grown. Life was simpler then because you were simpler --not stupider, just not capable of perceiving that way. Like the difference between a 5yo and an 8yo's brains --there are losses along the way, but they enable the thinker to process information about the world at a higher and higher (more complex, more real) level.

    When you don't know that your brain continues to grow and change throughout your life, you experience the periods of disequilllibrium as if they were some indication that something was wrong with your life that you could fix.

    Since there is nothing broken, there's no 'fixing' available. You'll adapt to your new brain but you have to learn to drive it. Choose what you think to be happy.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 1:00 PM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • Many times the man settles in to the relationship and feels romance isn't necessary anymore. I just tell my SO what I need. I don't ask for more than he can give though. Mine can't do romance (never could) so I don't ask for it. Mine thinks it's romantic enough that he comes in my door! Just talk with him (your's not mine!)
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:13 PM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • Warning no hand holding here ! Congratulations - you are really married! You both are growing as individuals and as a couple. Do seek out counseling as an individual and as a couple at church, community center, or private practice most insurances cover at least a portion. You both will change over time and so will your relationship. Love and even like will ebb and flow in a relationship. No marriage stays the same, romance is nice, but it does not pay the bills, it does not hold your hand when your child is in the hospital. Only you can decide, maybe everyone was right and you were too young and immature to get married. Romance is easy Love is hard your confusing the two.

    mrsljamieson

    Answer by mrsljamieson at 1:20 PM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • I'm not sure how you are as far as change goes, but I know that sometimes it takes me more than just a month to change something in myself; therefore, it may be hard for him to change within that time period. Beyond that though, once you get into the habit of putting your spouse first; you start feeling fulfilled because you KNOW you are meeting his needs. It is hard but if you stick it out ~ he will turn around. Check out The Love Dare ~ it's an awesome journey! =)
    7blessings

    Answer by 7blessings at 2:26 PM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • I highly highly recommend Love & Respect by Dr. Eggreich. It talks about us women are more emotional, you say you need to feel love that man has no clue what to do about it because well he's a man! This book helps you learn how to express love to your husband, and if you hubby reads the book he'll learn what it is to show your love to your wife and ways to go about it. It really has helped our marriage.
    marine_wife0520

    Answer by marine_wife0520 at 7:51 PM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • Perhaps you two were too young when you first met. I do know of a few people who married their HS sweethearts and are still together. However, often times people are not mature enough to know what they want, and people as they mature, they change. I hope things work out for you both. I would consider counseling for you both. Good luck.
    twinkletoes0408

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 12:59 PM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • Linda, so you're saying that I will never again feel that happy spark? That's depressing. I mean, there are good things about our relationship now as compared to then. I'm secure in it, we're comfortable with each other, we know each other a whole lot better, we love deeper, we have a family together and are building a happy life together. On the surface I have nothing to complain about, but the romance is very important to me. If I outgrow the need for it, wonderful :D But what if I don't? Many women I've talked to never did.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:06 PM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • I don't think that you will never feel that spark again, it is just that you do change as you get older. If you are always unhappy then yes you need to talk about things and let you Dh know. I also think you need to give him a little break because if he is trying and you still aren't happy then what more can he do. Maybe you need to spice things up and be a little romantic yourself. Either that or maybe go to counceling to talk about what the problems are.

    Good Luck!
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 1:16 PM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • mrsljamieson, I understand the difference there. I am in no way unhappy enough to end my marriage. I wouldn't even classify the way I feel as unhappy... just missing something. My husband is wonderful, but I miss the romance and the way expressions of love used to come so easily to us. It's important to me. Not everything, by any means, but imporant. He used to regularly say and do things that made me feel beautiful, desired, loved... and now I have to look for it. I know he loves me because he works hard at his job and helps me with chores and is a wonderful father to our children, but he used to show that he loves me with kind words and show me he desires me by sometimes wanting sex enough to initiate it lol. Both of which are important to me. I don't think that's immature... I think most women feel that way.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:28 PM on Nov. 26, 2010

  • A lot of women are going to disagree with me here ~ but that's ok ~ I'm a big girl! I do understand your feelings and that you are missing something but the more you concentrate on what he doesn't do, the unhappier you are going to be. YOU can take the lead here and do whatever it takes to make him happy ~ starting by not telling him how unhappy you are all the time ~ and in turn you will see that he will go out of his way to meet your needs better. I have SEEN it work! We are basically selfish individuals who usually put our desires over others; including our spouse. If we learn to put our spouse's needs above ours; our spouse will see that and will learn to do the same.
    7blessings

    Answer by 7blessings at 1:36 PM on Nov. 26, 2010