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Should I say something to My SO

I got a phone call yesterday from my 1st ex husband who I was married to for 13 yrs before we divorced. We had 4 kids together, and got married at a very young age because I was pregnant at the time and we as well as our parents thought that was the right thing to do.The reason we got divorced was because he said he wanted to be with my best friend instead of me and that the only reason he married me was because I was pregnant. They got married shortly after our divorce was final and have been together ever since.
Now I am a very forgiving type of person and I believe that you can still be friends with certain ones after a breakup.The 1st time I heard from him was 3 years ago when he called and asked me if I could give him some info about the kids so he could get in touch with them. I was very shocked to hear his voice again after so many years have passed. . We talked for a bit and got caught up to date with what was happening in each of our lives and then he asked me to contact the kids for him and see if they wanted to talk to him. So I did I got in touch with the kids and asked them all before I gave out any info to him out of respect for them.I emailed him the info so he could contact them himself instead of having to go through me and taking a chance that his wife would find out . (That was the last time I heard from him till yesterday.) He told me then he still thinks about me from time to time and wishes all the best for me just like I do him. I always ask how him and Kathy are doing and he says fine, but he dont want her to find out he has been in touch with me or there would be a big fight. She hates me and I dont know why it should be me that hates her for breaking up my marriage but I dont. I have forgivin her and let that be in the past.She still refusses to talk to me or have anything to do with me and would be furious if she knew he called from time to time.
Now to my question.... He called again yeaterday and mentioned in conversation that if we were still married it would be our 33 anniversery and he just wanted to touch base and make sure I was ok since we hadn't talked in 3 years.I assured him I was doing fine and thanked him for asking.I told him me and my SO are doing just fine and we just celebrated our 2 year together anniversary.( not married just together. this is my 4th relationship and been married 3 times and not ready to jump back in the fire... been burned to many times and leary of it right now) Our conversation was short because he was at work. Our conversation was very general nothing to be ashamed of. I just dont know if I should tell my SO since he is very jealous and says I shouldnt be speaking to other men especially if it's ones I use to be with. But yet he still speaks to his ex.that he was married to for 31 yrs. He says the only reason he does is because his granddaughter lives there with her and wants to keep in touch with her( she is 13 and has her own phone).He has even gone over there a few times that I know of with out me being with him because it has slipped in conversation.He had a reminder set on his old cell phone that he only uses for an alarm clock now for her birthday as well as their 31 anniversary and when it went off I seen it, but didnt say anything about it. I found out when I went out of town to help my daughter after she got out of the hospital that he called her everyday I was gone, but havent said anything about it either for fear of starting a big arguement. Should I tell him I talked to my ex or just keep it to my self???

 
Elaine1960

Asked by Elaine1960 at 7:46 AM on Nov. 27, 2010 in Relationships

Level 6 (143 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • I think, from what you said, that I would rethink this relationship. Your SO seems a bit...controlling. And mean. He gets to have a reminder on his phone of his ex's birthday, and their anniversary. He gets to call her, every day while you are away. But you can't talk to your ex every now and then? That wouldn't fly with me. That just wouldn't work. He sounds jealous and controlling and mean.
    Just because he's your SO and not your hubby, you should still tell him. You are in a committed relationship. But, he can't seem to live by the same rules. So, IDK. Either don't tell him, and hope he doesn't ever find out. Or tell him, and tell him to get over it because you know he talks with his ex AND has reminders of important dates relating to her.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 10:51 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • I meant to also say, I don' t know why you and your SO aren't open about the communication your both having with the ex'es. That should be talked about because it could be a real problem down the road.

    zbee

    Answer by zbee at 8:20 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • I see NO PROBLEM with talking to your ex if it has to do with the kids. I feel sorry for you, because it seems that you allow your SO to be kind of controlling. Gosh, if my DH talked to his ex every day while i was gone, i would FLIP! I would not even care if it starts an argument, i would WANT to start an argument. I would ask him why it's OK for him to talk to his ex of 31 years, but not for you to talk to your ex. That is a VALID question to ask your SO. You're allowing him to make the rules, that is not a healthy relationship. He sounds very controlling.

    I would tell him i talked to my ex & i wuld tell him it was about the kids & that's all. If he flips out i would say "But it's Ok for you to talk to your ex?" If he denies it, tell him you saw his phone & that you are not an idiot. You need to put yor foot down & not let your SO control you like that. You have kids with your ex, it's really ok to talk to him sometimes!
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:15 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • only if he really needs to know. If nothing positive can come of it, or if it doesn't effect your marriage somehow, then no.
    Zoeyis

    Answer by Zoeyis at 8:03 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • I would tell him everything and expect the same from him. I would like that hes going over there without telling you and also has a reminder set for their "anniversary" and her bday? That would make me mad. So how is it tha he can talk to his ex and even go visit her and have reminders set to their anniversary and you cant?
    LittleBirdFly

    Answer by LittleBirdFly at 8:13 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • Going by what you've said, it seems none of you are teenagers and your probably just catching up with each other, I see no harm in it as long as it doesn't go any further. I think it's good for the children if parents can get along, it's so much easier for them.

    zbee

    Answer by zbee at 8:15 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • I would not tell him. You have not made vows to him, so you are not obligated to tell him anything. But you will have to remember that he gets to live by the same rule.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:32 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • "he told me I cant tell him what not to do because where his granddaughter is concerned I need to but out of it"

    And that's when you tell him that where your children are concerned. he needs to butt out of it. Even if your kids are grown, you can still talk to your ex about your kids. My DH's mom & dad have been divorced 35 years & still talk occasionally about their kids. Especially around Christmas & whatnot.

    He's controlling you. Are you OK with that? Do you want to be with a guy who controls what you can & can't do, who you can & can't talk to? Gosh, i would whoop his freaken ass! I would be throwing his ass out the house if he really thought this is how the relationship works. Let him make his empty threats. If he wants to be done because you talked to your childrens father, say "OK...go then you ass" he'll be back TRUST me...men are freaken babies when it all boils down...
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:21 AM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • Don't open an unneeded can of worms for yourself. Keep this to yourself.
    ShouldHaveLeft

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 12:00 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • I wouldn't bother telling him. Your SO sounds like another real winner. NOT! Ok for him to talk, but not you. I'd tell him to piss off.

    Shines3

    Answer by Shines3 at 12:54 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

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