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4 Bumps

Who is in the wrong here ?

I was married to the father of my children for 4 years... we just couldnt get along while we were together but after we were apart we were/ are wonderful ...

I would say he is my best friend and I do love him because he is such a wonderful father to our kids... but there is no romantic feeling there... I think we would both agree that we would rather have dental work than to have to "snuggle and kiss" ....

We have alot of land ( close to 80 acres) .. when we were still married we had our dream house built on it ( which is where me and the kids live now ) .... my parents, my best friend and his parents have also had houses built on the land since then... And now he has a house pretty much right across the "lane" ...

he comes over alot mostly to play with the kids or just to visit for a few mintues before he goes home and sometimes he even has dinner with us ...

So I think it is just that we have a very good friendship and parentship and I think it is perfect that way..afterall this has worked greatly for the last 7 years

We have both dated other people over the years he has even became "buddies" with some of them and I have liked almost all the ones he has brought home...

But now he is dating another woman and I can tell that he really has strong feeling for her and at first i was very happy because she seemed so nice and trustworthy ( for when my kids are over there) ..

After 2 months together she started in on not wanting me to come to "their house" ( she doesnt live there ) ... she gets mad if he comes over to see the kids afterwork instead of going "home first" ( I can kind of understand being upset over that but that has been his habit for years ) ...

On Thanksgiving he always comes over and we have a big meal for family and friends, well she didnt want to come and just stayed at her house instead of being " int eh same house as me" so she completely missed out on thanksgiving ( she didnt go anywhere else) just because she doesnt like me.... and the only reason she doesnt life me is because she doesnt like our "arrangment"

She had a serious talk with him and said the only way she can see the relationship between them working out is if he cuts ties with me and only talks to me on a needs to know basis, and that she will pick the kids up on his days.... and she wants him to sell his house and they can find another that isnt so close...

I understand that we do have an uncommon thing going on, but we still have small kids and this is something that has worked well for years.... she knew how it was when she got into the relationship ( which is why I think I am "right" ) ....

I can tell he is really hurt because he had strong feeling for her... but really is it fair to not like me that much for having a good relationship with my kids father?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:15 PM on Nov. 27, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Answers (21)
  • The arrangement has made her feel insecure. Maybe it is time to change the arrangement to make everyone feel accepted. He won't stop loving his children if he moves somewhere else with her. It sounds like it's time for you to let him go and move on.

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:24 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • I would lean more toward her side for this situation. It would be hard to develop a relationship with a guy if it does not seem like he has cut ties with his past. It is great that you get along. But as it is it seems like you are still in a relationship just without the sex part. It would be more ideal if he could find someone that could go along with the situation but it will be very difficult.

    Answer by Melbornj at 3:27 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • he has dated women who were fine with the situation ( they broke up for other reasons) ...... and he is also the one who wants this kind of relationship , he always brags about how good of a life this is and that we are probably one in a few who could live like this...He also said moving is out of the question because he built that house and he wants to be close to his kids....


    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:34 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • She knew how it was when they got together. She is being selfish and insecure. I mean he can't even come pick the kids up when it's his turn to see them. If that isn't insecure than I don't know what is. I'm sure that won't be the end of all her wonderful new changes.


    Answer by Shines3 at 3:39 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • It sounds like she is a bit controlling. Maybe even insecure and jealous of your situation. I feel like she holds a resentment against you and even if your ex moved she probably would act the same way. I see problems for you. It is ultimately up to your husband to put his foot down. How does your children feel abut her? It is in your best interest to be concerned. She is a part of your childrens life.

    Answer by PipersDream at 4:06 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • It sounds like the other woman sees you as a threat, maybe if you were to talk to her, she might understand better, but you will always be in his life because of the connection of your kids.

    Answer by older at 4:09 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • That is what I feel too - that she is just insecure about the situation.... but I have tried many times to talk to her, I have invited her over and even invited her to lunch, even tried to add her on facebook -- but of course she declined everything... so I feel it is her problem I have tried to tell her she has nothing to worry about and that I am in love with the guy I am dating ..but she literally wont talk to me... she talked to me for the first day or so but after that she just acts rude and ignores me...... My kids dont really think anything of her because she never seems to be around when they go over there ( she hangs out with her friends when they stay at his house) ... and they were suppose to go to a park thing together about 2 weeks ago and she cancelled at the last mintue so they havent spent any real time with her...


    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:15 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • She's going to have to deal with the fact that he has an ex wife and kids. If she doesn't like it, then there's the door.

    Answer by brandyj at 4:17 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • I can see both sides here. He should be able to have a good relationship with his children and still be able to go on with a woman if that is what he wants. She should accept the children but she doesn't have to accept the ex. I could see having a Thanksgiving visit but with everything you described, it sounds like basically you're still married. He is apparently over there a lot, his house is right by yours, your families live closeby, it's a little too much like having one's cake and eating it too. It doesn't sound like either of you have moved on very much at all. If he wants to have a relationship with another woman and have a life after you, and maybe even the same for you because eventually you'll meet a man who is not thrilled the ex is so close and comes over a lot, the arrangement probably should be rearranged.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:06 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

  • If they are in a serious relationship, then this girlfriend should take precedence over his ex-wife. I think it speaks volumes that this man went to your house for thanksgiving and ditched the girlfriend when she made it clear that wasn't something she was comfortable doing. She needs to leave him, in my opinion.

    She is threatened, with reason...does he really go to your house after work first? SEE? Well, it really doesn't matter what her reasons might be, valid or not. If she is his SO now, he needs to honor her. Your children will always be in the picture because he is their father, but that does not necessarily need to include you, and if he is not going to be your man, then it is time to let him go. She doesn't need to facebook with you, or have lunch with you. It is abnormal. I think you are trying to keep him and anyone he finds within your grasp, and that is really not very realistic. Do you have a man besides him?

    Answer by spottedpony at 5:20 PM on Nov. 27, 2010

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