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Don't trust my daughter......

I have a ten year old daughter. I love her with all my heart. I just don't trust her. I am always catching her in lies. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that she has stopped the lying. I have two boys also, as far as I know they have always been honest. She notices how I believe them but not her. She says I love them more, but that's not the case. I don't want this to cause her problems down the road. Any suggestions on how I can try to trust her again?

 
arenad

Asked by arenad at 7:49 AM on Nov. 28, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 23 (15,984 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Many things can be accomplished in life w/ a verbal deal & a handshake. (At least until the lawyers take over!-lol) If your word cant be trusted, then that reflects back on your overall character. Lying is a slippery slope that leads to more lying and ending up in a pit of dispair. She will need to figure out why she opts for a lie instead of the truth and do whatever it takes to take the true & riteous (sp?) path. With your help, I'm sure you can get her back on track. Good luck. :)
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 8:05 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • You won't be able to trust her fully until she starts showing that she is trustworthy. You can't make yourself trust someone that you know lies all the time. Just explain to her that if she wants to be treated with the same respect that her brothers receive, she needs to stop that ridiculous lying. Also, when she does tell the truth,  praise her and let her know how proud you are of her. Good luck:)

    shanlaree

    Answer by shanlaree at 7:54 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • I dont agree with sailorwifenmom on this... sorry but lying to a child b/c they lie is like biting a child b/c they bit. it doesnt make sense! Thats only going to make the child distrust you! You have to punish bad behavior and reward good behavior. When you know she is telling the truth, say " Thank you for being honest with me, it makes momma feel good", when you catch her in a lie tell her the opposite, that it hurts you when she lies and makes things harder for everyone. I told my 10yr old son this: When you lie, it only makes things harder for you b/c I cant trust you, if I cant trust you I cant treat you like your growing up, I have to treat you like your baby brothers, Do you want that? telling the truth is part of growing up and getting the things that growing boys want and need, if you dont want to grow up and be trusted, then continue to lie, its only going to make things harder for you.
    AingealsBabies

    Answer by AingealsBabies at 8:11 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • Honestly, I think I would try a little tough love and some thinking outside the box sort of thing. I would find things that she likes to do / things that she wants, etc, and I would lie to her about them over the next couple of days - in ways that she will "catch you" in the lie right away. Something like - "Oh, I picked up that new ___ you were talking about. It's on your bed if you want it." When she goes to look and sees it's not there, just look surprised and calmly say, oh, sorry, I guess I didn't get it after all.... - sound sort of vague and don't get into it with her. Then, casually say something like, we're having ___ (her fav) for dinner. (Instead, make something she doesn't like.) When she says something about it, say again, oh, well, I guess I was lying about that....

    Make a point of lying to her the whole day / evening. Then, at the end of the evening, sit her down and ask her how she felt

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:03 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • cont

    Ask her how she felt, having you lie to her. Ask her if it made you angry or upset or betrayed. Ask her if it made her feel like she could trust you, or if as the evening / day was going on, if she was trusting you less and less.... Explain to her that you love her very much, but that, because she lies to you so much, it makes it hard for you to trust her or believe her about things. Explain that a person's "good word" or their character (lying is a character trait, after all...), is something that, once lost, is hard to get back.... Tell her that you're sorry that you had to do this for her to finally, hopefully, "get it", but that you love her so much that you don't want her to lose the trust of the people in her life by lying all the time, and you hope that this will make her re-consider next time she wants to lie.

    Good luck!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:07 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • Make sure you and your SO are spending enough one on one time with her. And she is getting prasie when she does things right. If she is in school you might have a talk with her teacher and see if everything is OK there. Here is a link that might have useful info. GL

    http://specialed.about.com/cs/behaviordisorders/a/liar.htm
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 8:10 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • AingealsBabies is so right !
    FXmomTo3

    Answer by FXmomTo3 at 8:18 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • I understand what you're saying, but there are times that this doesn't always work. A child who bites and then gets bitten back is generally not old enough to understand why they were bitten. When my dd was about 9, she went through a period where she wanted to lie to us about things all the time - she had a friend that lied to her parents to get out of trouble a lot and it worked, and I think she thought the same would work for her. We tried everything - positive reinforcement, explanations as to why it was wrong, punishment when she was caught, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, I tried this. I didn't do it for days - I did it for an evening. At the end of the evening, we did talk about it. Part of it was me reassuring her that I wouldn't lie to her anymore (we have a very honest relationship with our kids). An evening of "being on the other side" opened her eyes, and she was old enough to get it.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:25 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • Here is the link again................easier this way.


     


    http://specialed.about.com/cs/behaviordisorders/a/liar.htm

    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 8:27 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • cont

    My kids are now almost 18 (ds) and 16 1/2 (dd), and they are both very open and honest with us. In fact, there's even been times when they've done something and are honest with us about it and have had friends ask them why didn't they just lie, or why did they have to tell us. But both of them are like "the lie is going to come out sooner or later, and it's just going to make things worse" and I even heard my dd say "I would rather be in trouble now than get in trouble later and not be trusted because I lied."

    I wouldn't suggest this as a first step, but, with all due respect, I stand by it as an extreme measure if nothing else has worked.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:29 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

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