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3 Bumps

How Can I Get Them To Stop?

My husband of 12 years died suddenly 18 months ago from a congential brain aneurysm. I have three close friends that I've known for more than 25 years. Starting about six months after my husband's death, these three friends have been trying to get me to start dating again. I don't want to start dating, I really don't want another man in my life again, ever. My friends aren't hearing this, they say that I'm too young to "lock it up and throw away the key" (I'm 42). For a while they would just talk about it and tell me about this guy or that guy, or suggest dating websites that I should try. It got to the point where I didn't go hang out with them anymore because I was sick of hearing it. So, last night after about three months of not going anywhere with them, they talked me into a "Girl's Night Out". I was actually having a nice time with them because they hadn't brought up guys or dating at all, when a man came over to our table, sat down and introduced himself to me. From the looks on my friends' faces, I just knew it was a set-up. I was polite to the man, but indicated that I wasn't interested and he left eventually. I was furious and asked my friends what was up with this? My friends were upset with ME, said I was rude not to at least go out with this guy once (he was a friend of a friend of one of my friend's husbands) and they started back up with the "everybody needs someone" and "don't you ever want to have sex again?" and "you deserve to be happy". I don't know how much more clear I could have been. I don't want to date, not now, probably not ever. How can I get my friends to accept that I want to be alone and there's nothing wrong with that? I love my friends, but they are driving me bonkers!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:49 AM on Nov. 28, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • Your friends need to understand that people grieve in their own ways and they cannot force you to do something for which you are not ready. If they were your true friends, they wouldn't be pushing the issue on you, but rather, take into consideration that you lost the love of your life - your best friend, and that it could be a very long time before you're ready to date, if at all. I feel for you as I lost my dh a month ago to cancer and with the holidays here, makes it even harder. Yet, I get people saying "do this, do that" or "really, you need to...." Until you've lost your spouse, NO ONE can dictate what it's like, what you should do or how to go about grieving. Sit down & explain this to them and be firm. I do hope they understand and are truly your dedicated friends.
    TeensMom07

    Answer by TeensMom07 at 8:53 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • P.S. My husband & I were married for 22-1/2 years, but together a total of 26 years. When you are committed to someone for so long, it takes quite a while to adjust to them not being there in your life anymore.
    TeensMom07

    Answer by TeensMom07 at 8:54 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • I understand. I've had this experience many times since my husband was killed by a drunk driver. You may want to join us in The Widows Club. The group owner is terrific and there is tons of support from other women who truly understand. I often find great suggestions in the group. Hope to see you there!
    aliceinalgonac

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 9:14 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • tell them as honestly as you have told us.....start off with , either stop trying to force me to date or i am going to stop seeing you as a friend period, they will get the hint if your honest.....and rember as your friends they just want to see you happy.....so give them a little slack.....but if the "setup" happens again excuse yourself and take a cab home they will get the hint.....good luck...and i am sorry to hear about your husband.....
    cara124

    Answer by cara124 at 9:18 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • Honestly? My husband died years ago. It's a real challenge to get people to stop and some never do. Alice is right, you can find great suggestions for handling this and so much more in The Widows Club. People who haven't been through this do not, will not, and can not understand.
    findingharmony

    Answer by findingharmony at 9:23 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • Your friends aren't respecting your feelings or your wishes. 18 months is such a short period of time, I can't imagine why anyone would be pushing you at all let alone 18 months later.

    I think it could be a deal breaker, if they can't respect that you don't want this "help" it may be time to end the friendshiips or limit them. You can tell them this with your words or your actions but, either way if they can't change, then they can't be the friends you need. I wish you the best.
    BubbaLuva

    Answer by BubbaLuva at 10:10 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • I have not been in this situation so I don't know what it is like. If your friends were real and true friends they would hear what you are saying and stop trying to push you into dating. I think you need to tell them point blank "IF I ever feel like dating again I will let you know. Until then please respect my wishes and drop the subject! NO more talk about dating, NO more 'blind dates' -- I know you mean well but it IS my life and I am the only one who will know when I am ready. If you can't respect me or my wishes then I guess we can't be friends anymore. "
    I hope your friends will back off and stop pressuring you.
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 1:00 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • They want you to be happy. Problem is, you just aren't ready for this. They need to leave you be, they need to respect your wishes, and let you lead the way in this. Its your life, not theirs. And 18 months is not a long time. 18 years, that would be a long time. It almost seems like they think the more they dig their heals in, the faster you will give up. Like making this a battle of wills will work. But the only thing it will accomplish is possibly the end of the friendship. Have you told them that they are actually hurting you? If it's hurting you, I mean. I would think it would. You are probably still grieving. Try writing them letters, that way they cannot interrupt you. They can't argue with you. Not emails, snail mail. Makes it more formal, ya know? They really aren't behaving like good friends right now, and that's sad. They think they are, and they are trying to be, but it's hard. They don't get it.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 1:42 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • Maybe THEY need to sit in on a support group for those that have lost a spouse. Then they can hear others stories, other ppl they aren't close to. Maybe then they will get it.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 1:43 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • And, I'm sorry about your husband.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 1:44 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

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