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3 Bumps

How open should your adoption be?

We have recently adopted twins... I was wondering how many times should the b-parents visit our babies? Or what is an average amount for a VERY open adoption. Right now the we see the b-mom about once a week and b-dad just started coming back into the picture, so we see him every time b-mom comes over. Also, the b-grandparents come over too. Is that to much or to little? Just wondering about how many times you allow your b-parents to visit. I love the b-parents very much, but I just would like to know what is normal for visitation with b-parents.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:48 AM on Nov. 28, 2010 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • WOW! That is A LOT!! I can't even imagine that.

    Typically what I've seen is 1 visit per month for the first 6 months and then 1-2 visits a year after that with pictures being sent every 3 months or so.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:59 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • Personally for me that would be excessive. 3-4 times per year is what I would consider in an open adoption. It seems like they want you to "provide" for that child but still want to make sure that he/she knows them as b-parents and maybe even a little more. Is the adoption finalized? Is there a period in which they can take them back? I would be very leery of a situation like that.
    kjbennett26

    Answer by kjbennett26 at 11:59 AM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • It depends how old the babies are. I know a birth mother who visited a lot when they were little and as time passed she went less and less. It was a transitioning period. It really depends on what you are comfortable with. I wish you much happiness.
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 12:04 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • Yeah, I agree with the last poster... I used to visit my DD once a week, and got pictures each day. It was part of the healing process. As time goes on it will be less and less. My daughter is now 7 months old. I speak with her a.mom daily, but we don't see her but once a month. We're all comfortable with that. Too much hurts us, and too little hurts us too. You just have to find something comfortable.
    AtHomeMommy-3

    Answer by AtHomeMommy-3 at 12:07 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • That sounds like a lot. I would think a couple times a year, but you have to do what works for you and your family. Also, remember they are your kids and you have to do what is best for them, even if that means they don't see them as much.

    If you want them to see them that much maybe you could set up a day once a month that you all meet at a park for a picnic.
    cassey.e

    Answer by cassey.e at 12:01 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • Being that I'm a birth mom, I can answer from a birth mom's point of view. The relationship we have with our adoptive family is AMAZING!! They were able to be at the delivery and went to all of the ultra sounds with us. We visit with them about once a month, only due to the fact that we have a VERY busy schedule. If we could visit more we definately would. I'm very VERY close with DD's adoptive parent's. She's one of my best friends now.
    As far as answering your question goes, your adoption needs to be as open as you feel comfortable with. Some a.mom's are very threatned by birth mom's possibly changing their minds and whatever else.. but it's a decision you need to make together...
    Good luck.
    AtHomeMommy-3

    Answer by AtHomeMommy-3 at 12:02 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • I don't think there is a normal amount to visitation. I feel it's what works for the family and for the birth parents. Whatever you and them are comfortable with. Sit down and talk with your dh and discuss it, then maybe discuss it with the adoption agency and birth parents. Since you just adopted your twins maybe the parents are coming around more often because it's so new. Once they realize how happy the twins are and well taken care of they are and better off they are then they'll come around less. It's what may be needed for them to heal in the whole adoption process. In time it may become less that they come over. I think you're best bet is to talk with DH see what he thinks, talk to adoption agency and figure it out together. Good Luck!!
    Jessica45

    Answer by Jessica45 at 12:38 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • I agree that YOU have to define for yourself what feels comfortable. There is no right or wrong. Ignore the folks who say the visits are too often, and that you should be leery of too many visits. I think that is hogwash, personally. Maybe some aparents are too insecure to allow frequent visits, but, I think many aparents welcome lots of contact.

    As for what works as time passes, some adjustments may need to be made, or maybe not. Be open and willing to compromise and adjust. There is really no normal. Some adoptions have frequent visits, others once or twice a year and everything in between. I wish more aparents were willing to be flexible and secure enough for frequent visits.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 4:22 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • it sounds excessive to me. When my twins were little I wouldn't want anyone visited once a week regardless of how we were related. I would also be afraid of setting a precedent. But, that's just me. How do you feel? Certainly it's not hurting the twins, more people to love them etc.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 4:31 PM on Nov. 28, 2010

  • Well it is whatever you are comfortable with. It is very emotional for both of you. If you think it's too much visitingg then you have to be open about it and express your feelings, if you are not comfortable doing it face to face the adoption agency should beable to help you.
    TawnyMarlow

    Answer by TawnyMarlow at 12:03 PM on Nov. 28, 2010