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2 Bumps

how do I help my sister out of her abusive realtionship?

she has been with him for almost 11 years, the first year was great then after that everything started but she could never leave. I know it's a mental thing, but I don't know how to help her anymore.. She left him last Wednesday and I am so scared she is going to go back. My mother and I have both told her if she goes back we are DONE with her. we have delt with so much Ican't do it anymore, my kids can't go through this anymore. they love thier aunt but she is taken from us when they are together. He has even told her he will take her away from us and never see us again. My children are her life and he never lets her come over to visit. He treats her like a slave, she called him yesterday and said if I come back can I go back to school and get my GED and go to college and he told her no she isn't 16 she isn't going back to school she is going to come home and get a job! he has beat her so many times he has almost killed her a hand full of times (just found this out) he does drugs, and is addicted to pills. He is plain out crazy and i know she is wanting to go back, I don't know what to do to keep her away from him... she is my twin and I love her to death. She says she isn't a battered woman because she fights her battles, she is to proud to own that name I guess even though she is. any advice?

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:15 AM on Nov. 29, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • Help her interview the hitmen!!!

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 9:16 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • She needs to want to help herself, and if she wants to go back there is really not much you can do except be there for her when she crashes again


    Answer by older at 9:18 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • Truthfully you can only just be their for her. She will leave him when she is ready. You can not make her.

    Answer by louise2 at 9:19 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • Tell her to talk with other abused women who have gotten out of their situation. It doesn't necessarily have to be a group session type thing. Maybe one on one at a women's shelter or something. It just might change her mind about going back to him.

    Answer by sweetpea1217 at 9:21 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • She needs to get help ASAP. They think they are so in love they can not see anything else. He controls her and of course she is going to listen. He has what is called power and control. By him taking her away from you and your mother, that is what he wants so you two do not know what is going on. She has to see that this is wrong and not the right way to live. He also makes her feel that she is worth nothing and that no one else could love her or want her. They play so many head games you can just keep going on. Bottom line just keep talking to her and make her see this is not the way to live your life. She has to want the help. I wish you the best.

    Answer by sta517 at 9:31 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • FIrst let me say I know the emotional turmoil this puts a family through. My little sister was in a relationship like this, I stayed up many many nights praying and worrying. The first time she tried to leave he convinced her that they'd be happier in a new environment and won her over with stories of moving to a big city 15 hours away from here. She took the bait and of course things only got worse. She ended up getting pregnant and thank God that was enough to give her the strength to go. You wouldn't believe the secret planning it took to get her out of there. We flew down, rented a car and waited for him to leave for work one morning. When he pulled out we pulled up. She got in with just the clothes on her back and the baby.
    Try to get your sis in touch with a safety advocate from a womens safety center. She needs to see women that have done this and KNOW life can go on without the ass and that she is capable.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:33 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • There's nothing you can do unless she herself wants to leave.
    It sounds like she wants to make something of herself. Maybe get the information for getting her GED and give it to her. Get the application and paper work that's needed to sign up for it.
    How about if you & your mom tell her that if she stays away from him and doesn't go back you'll do whatever you can support her until she gets some more education and/or until she gets a good job and is able to stand on her own 2 feet completely alone. You guys could maybe look into one of those GED classes and offer to pay for it as a gift to help prepare her. Get the application for the local community college or something too.
    Maybe by showing her the opportunities she has in life she'll chose that over going back. Showing her as much support as you can is really the only thing you can do - I think!

    Answer by Jessica45 at 9:46 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • Thank you for all the advice. We have talked to her for the last week, everything we say is positive and encourgment (sp?) as soon as we got her back mom bought her new cloths and fixed her up a room and we put everything to gether so she would have a nice room to have. I took her clothes shopping and then ran here anywhere she wanted to go. Took her to friends houses she hasn't been to in years because she wasn't allowed friends! They all have been called her everyday keeping her bulit up and strong as well. It is just scarry, I don't thank I can be there again if she leaves. 11 years is a long time to see her being controlled and beaten up. She said she wants to talk to someone but she doesnt want to talk online or in a group, we don't hav the money for a thearpist.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:49 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • Just for the record, the average domestic abuse victim leaves at least seven times before leaving for good- that's not only a statistic, but that's even how many times I left my abusive relationship before actually not going back. It's tough and it's too easy to judge people in that situation, but in truth their relationship is a mind warp for you. You're doing an amazing job of being supportive though, and that's one of the biggest things she needs. But, she needs to talk to other victims and survivors. People can tell someone like that to leave until their blue in the face, but until she hears it from someone who has actually experienced it and lived through it, she probably won't get it. She'll be able to convince herself he can change, and that's the biggest mistake. It's tough, but seriously props to you and your family. Mine did eventually abandon me, and that made it all MUCH worse.

    Answer by lexi8622 at 10:59 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • Just to clarify- I meant a mind warp for her. Also, not sure if you live in a big city or not, but there's often like domestic violence support groups in many areas- she can go and talk to other people. I know for myself, and many other victims, it's not real until you hear it from someone whose lived through it. Good luck!!

    Answer by lexi8622 at 11:01 AM on Nov. 29, 2010

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