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my friend is constantly venting to me about her husband, i just never have great advice

her husband is exactly like the bio-dad of my first. very selfish, extremely controlling, manipulative and verbally abusive. her husband is returning home from a year long deployment very soon, like this or next week. they fight constantly and have fought the whole time he's been gone, he thinks (well he's totally convinced) that she's cheating on him just because when she goes out (which she's done maybe 4 times since he's been gone) he's constantly IMing her and if she doesn't respond with a snap of the finger she's *obviously* screwing some dude. who wants to be somewhere with friends and stare at their phone the whole night? she has two children 1 of which is his and every mom deserves a nice break with friends. she doesn't deserve to be accused of anything, and each time she did NOT even drink she was the DD! she refused to dance with someone at a wedding recently because she was afraid someone would take a picture of them and it would end up on facebook for him to see. she picked up the father of her other child from the airport and arranged it so her daughter and him could see eachother and *of course* she was screwing him. tomorrow she's watching my kids so i can go to a Wake and he said "she better watch ours when i'm on leave" well hello this is a Wake for the grandfather of his best friend! her and I are NOT tit for tat. we don't keep score for crying out loud. he's such an asshole. and i never know what to say when she comes to me because it all reminds me of my ex whom I loathe so much. i wish i could tell her to just drop this asshole because he will NOT change and i know this to be true because my ex has NOT changed in four years. im worried for her sanity if she keeps walking on eggshells and trying to please a man that is IMPOSSIBLE!


Asked by tnm786 at 1:11 PM on Nov. 29, 2010 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • I think she's looking for hope and reassurance, from you or anyone, that this guy will change. But as most of us know, it's very unlikely for him to change if he does not want to. That is sad that she has to live like that, but I understand her fears. I think the best advice you could give her is to let her know that you love and care for her and let her know that she can come to you with anything. If times get worse, you are going to make sure that she has that one "escape" to run to. Be there for her! :-) Good Luck!!

    Answer by sugaree at 2:01 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • I understand that you're worried about her. That may be the only thing you need to say. "I am worried for you, living in this situation. I am afraid for your mental health - and maybe even your physical health".
    The decision to make a change is hers - and you can't push that on her. Be there to support her, allow her to vent, do not inflame the situation by offering opinions of him, and let her know you are concerned.

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 1:13 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • basically you tell her just what you've written here. I would leave out the part about your personal feelings toward him. Just tell her the stuff about what she deserves to have in her life. Maybe tell her how you see alot of your ex in her dh and that worries you because of what you have been through, you offer support so that she will hopefully realize that she deserves more. But the decision is hers to make whether to leave him or not.

    Answer by sue118 at 1:22 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • usually someone who is bent on accusing is the one who is guilty.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 1:21 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • and what's worst (sorry i know this is super long) is that he blasts her all over facebook when he's pissed. then they argue back and forth and EVERYONE can see it. and if people (not me, i stay the hell out of it!) try and offer their opinions he crucifies them. he should be mature enough not to shove his marital problems in everyone's face then.

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 1:15 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • oh yes, i would never even hint at telling her to leave him. as much as i dislike this guy (even though ive known him longer, we went to highschool together and i met his wife thru him, he's just changed a lot) i would never ever go there, not my place. it's just my own personal thoughts. i know when i was with my ex i felt trapped on a daily basis. he'd always manipulate me back in. i truly hated life and myself when i was with that guy. i hope she's not going thru that and can't see the way out like i eventually did. nobody wants to be somebody's puppet.

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 1:24 PM on Nov. 29, 2010