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3 Bumps

my husband wants to adopt my boys, cause thier sperm donor is a deadbeat, but at what age should we tell them that they are adopted?

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2ndiapers

Asked by 2ndiapers at 7:34 PM on Nov. 29, 2010 in Adoption

Level 8 (226 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • The easiest way? From day one. (DH's name) is you Daddy but another man named____ helped make you. ____ is your father but ____ will ALWAYS be your only Daddy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:38 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • I have a couple of cousins that are adopted. One was told from early on and the other wasn't told until he was older. The one that was told early dealt with it better then the one that was told later on in life. I think the earlier you tell them, the better off you are!!

    Good Luck!!!
    alyssamal

    Answer by alyssamal at 7:41 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • I wouldn't suggest calling him a sperm donor when you do tell them. You picked their father, not them. My mother chose to tell me at age 9 that my step dad was different from bio dad. She never bashed him, and I didn't really process everything until I got older. But I never felt lied to or anything. She just really didn't know how to tell me. Overall I'm ok with the way things turned out. Good Luck!
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 7:44 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • I think the younger, the better. Why wait? At least if you start out with the truth, you don't have to go out of yoir way to hide it, and you don have to figure out how to tell them later, and you can deal with any issues as they come up. If it's their norm, then it will be fine.
    musicpisces

    Answer by musicpisces at 7:48 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • RIGHT AWAY! You can start by reading them books that will help them understand adoption and then go into detail about their adoption as they ask.
    luvmybgtwins

    Answer by luvmybgtwins at 7:56 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • From the beg. not as a BIG deal thing... but as a fact of like "this is your dad but you biological father is _____.
    If you make something part of the general enviornment from the beg. its never a big secret or deal and you get to deal with it a drop at a time.
    Not to mention that you get to deal with it 1 drop at a time... they'll ask one day what does ____ mean. And you give them a little answer as app. for their age... later on they may ask something else and you give them a little more info. using examples from the world around them etc.
    MamiJaAyla

    Answer by MamiJaAyla at 8:11 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • right away
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 9:13 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

  • Day one at whatever level of understanding they can comprehend and keep telling it as they grow into it, they will be appreciative for th ehonesty.my little one has known about his tummy mom since befor ehe understood the difference and though 'she' refuses to visit/talk to or about he is almost 5 yrs old and knows about her, its his right to know I believe and I am not afraid of telling truth, she has issues and thats on her, I am thankful for my son every single day even though he isnt adopted legally yet, I just gave up alot to move to a cheaper state to get it done and I'd give more if I had it to ensure he knows I love him that much, his dad is consenting and promises to stay in his life, --for us, adoption is done by hearts, its just a legality now , we will share as always but adoption is in best interests of all , especially little one.
    My mother lied to me til her death bed, truth is best. I was a partial adopted.
    kingkongsmom

    Answer by kingkongsmom at 12:06 AM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • My DH adopted my middle DD when she was 4 yrs old. We told her from the beginning, but she didn't really understand it. When she was 6 we adopted a basset hound from a Humane Society that she absolutely LOVES so we used the dog as our analogy: LiLo. (the dogs name) had a dog mom and a dog dad. When the dog mom and dad couldn't take care of her they asked the HS to help her find her forever home and a new mommy and daddy. Your mommy (me) will always be your mom, but I wanted you to have a daddy too so, when your first father had problems and couldn't take care of you the best way possible, he asked your daddy to be your forever daddy. We will always be your forever mommy and daddy.
    We celebrate the anniversary of her adoption with a "Daddy & Me" special day and have a cake and do something fun together as a family. The other kids are a part of "Daddy & Me Day" so no one feels left out.
    Babylove76

    Answer by Babylove76 at 3:35 AM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • Early as possible so it isnt a big deal. It is a little harder to explain when one parent is biological but I would just start with a simple story. Your first father and Mommy made a baby in Mommy's tummy. Your first father couldnt take care of you so your Daddy stepped in and loves you forever, etc.

    I know you are probably only using "sperm donor" here but especially with boys, you have to bite the bullet and not say anything really bad about him. You can use general statements like he "made some bad choices" but you have to find something positive and focus on that when describing him. If he is a deadbeat, they will figure that out on their own soon enough.
    2ndtimewish

    Answer by 2ndtimewish at 7:12 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

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