When would you break the news?

This question is for a friend who keeps asking my advice and I have no idea what to tell her. I'm not sure of the "rules" of adoption. Here's the situation. She knows a woman who is pregnant with her fifth child even though she had a tubal after her fourth. She's in no position to have another baby, and the child's father took off as soon as he heard she was pregnant. My friend has known this person for about five years, and seems to trust her and like her. Anywho, my friend, we'll call her Lesley because that's her name... she has tried to have a baby for six or so years with no luck. She has PCOS and her doctor had to do all this other stuff for pre-cervical cancer and a thick uterine lining before they could try fertility treatments...which they had hoped to do eventually. BUT...this woman who is pregnant called a few weeks ago and said that she had been praying and thinking since she found out she was pregnant, and that she wants Lesley to adopt her baby. She already spoke with a lawyer, and they tell me they have started proceedings, and she signed away her rights. They want to make it as if she was a surrogate and Lesley is the mother.

I gave all this background so I can ask the "rules" on this. She keeps asking me when she should announce they are having a baby. I have no idea. I know with pregnancy most people wait to tell some people until after the risk of miscarriage has passed, but what are the "rules" for adoption? She also is trying to decide when to buy things, when to have a shower, etc... Are there traditional "do it this month or this time" things like with pregnancy? When did any of your adoptive mothers make your big announcement?

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Asked by ErinHill226 at 10:13 PM on Nov. 29, 2010 in Adoption

2502 Level 16

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I bumped your question. I've never adopted and am interested as well.

Answer by suelo74 at 10:17 PM on Nov. 29, 2010
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I would say tell people you are trying to adopt and since so many adoptions fall through have a welcome to the world party, not a baby shower.

Answer by dancinintherain at 10:19 PM on Nov. 29, 2010
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You know, I suggested that...and she said she didn't wanna wait that long...so I guess she's gonna do it her way regardless. But now I'm curious to see how others do it. My cousins adopted in a similar situation...and they had a shower after he was born too.

Comment by ErinHill226 (original poster) at 10:25 PM on Nov. 29, 2010
Credits: 2502 Level 16
I know a girl that was in process of adoption, she had her baby shower, birth mom had baby, adoptive mom and family paid out tons including getting birth mom sole rights cause the father stepped in picture right before he went to jail again then prison, adoptive mom was breast feeding for ten months ( she took herbal meds to get milk flowing while natural mom was pregnant),............the entire time pregnant this pregnant one didnt want a baby nor until child was 9 months old but after th elegal battles with father were finished, suddenly she 'changed her mind' and for several months later adoptive mom still paid fo reverything baby son needed cause she wouldnt let him go without or less and now after the courts weened child away from adoptive mom/family, th echild is with birth mom , other family has no right to see, visit with him.
Anythng can go wrong / change their mind,.....wait for signatures and time to be done.

Answer by kingkongsmom at 10:42 PM on Nov. 29, 2010
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I think she should just tell people they are trying to adopt. If anyone wants to give them a shower...LET THEM! If things fall threw (GOD FORBID!!) then she can ask people what they would like her to do with the gifts....I know in my personal experience everyone just wanted them to keep the things because they knew they would eventually adopt. They adopted 3 months after the first adoption fell through.

They got a call out of the blue from teh agency saying there was a baby at the hospital who's mother has signed her rights away and left him there...if they wanted him they had to be at the hospital within 24 hours. They got on a plane (baby was in another state) withint 4 hours and picked their baby boy up within 6 hours of being told about him.

Noone had a single issue with it.

She's having a baby!!! Be happy for her! And if it falls through be there for her!

Answer by Anonymous at 10:42 PM on Nov. 29, 2010

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Most people throw the shower after the adoption is final, but I feel like just as with any new mom, your friend is gonna need stuff lol. It would be a great idea to have the shower, get excited ect. I know there is a chance that it might not go through BUT if it does and she didn't get to do all of that "normal" stuff, she will always feel cheated

Answer by JLS2388 at 11:16 PM on Nov. 29, 2010
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First off, I don't know of any state that allows the birthmother to sign away her rights before the child is born. So, she could decide to parent at any time, as is her right. The birthfather also could decide to parent, and unless he's signed away relinquishments, he can. As a waiting adoptive parent, I'd tell her to say she is adopting, because she is. And once the relinquishments are signed, then she can have a celebration, but until then, she has nothing to celebrate.

Answer by TwoBrownDogs at 11:38 PM on Nov. 29, 2010
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I was wondering about the signing away of the rights thing actually, but since I have never adopted, I didn't question it. She may have misunderstood, because she has a tendency to do that with things. I am hoping that since she knows this person, that things will work out in her favor.

Comment by ErinHill226 (original poster) at 11:49 PM on Nov. 29, 2010
Credits: 2502 Level 16
I haven't been thru a "regular" adoption, so I can only speak to what I know. I would wait until 1) the baby comes home and I would start planning a shower/meet-and-greet with family and friends for the week or so afterwards, or 2) until the adoption is final and I would start planning the event after court for a "Welcome to the Family" party, with a cake, balloons, guest book for well-wishes, and video'ed for the child to see over and over. This will add to the "We adopted you" story that they should start talking to the baby about from Day 1. They won't understand at first, but they will always have it in their memory this way.

Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:29 PM on Nov. 30, 2010
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I am the cautionary tale that tells you not to have a shower before. We had a shower on Sunday (complete surprise) and the adoption fell through on Monday. On my thank you notes, I included a little note that said that unfortunately this was not the baby for us but that we still hoped to adopt and would put the gift good use when we created our family.

Looking back, logically I wish we didnt have the shower but the truth was that we matched quickly afterwards and all of the presents did get used, some right away. I wouldnt have had all of that stuff that I needed if I didnt have the shower. People were extremely kind and I dont think anyone expected their gift back, they were too worried about us.

If the adoption fails, you will need to be there for her,

Answer by 2ndtimewish at 6:43 PM on Nov. 30, 2010
Credits: 2683 Level 16 Adoption Minor

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