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how do I get over the anger?

About two months ago my mom, a pack a day smoker for 30 yrs, found out she had the early signs of emphesemia (spelling). Well as soon as she found out she quit cold turkey for 2 weeks. Then her dr told her about those electronic cigs that still give nicotine but not the smoke. She bought those for a few weeks then quit and has been smoking again. Every day she smokes a little more. I am so mad and hurt and confused I can barely even look at her. She knows she is going to die but it's like she doesn't care. I want to talk to her, but how do I say "mom do you have any idea what you are about to put your family through? Do you really want your grandbaby to watch you die like this?" and I know when it does set it, and she does get sick, it's going to be me taking care of her... And I don't know if I will be able to or not. I just feel so helpless and angry I can't believe she is willing to do this to her family.

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Asked by jedwards2009 at 10:48 AM on Nov. 30, 2010 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,282 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • I'm in the same boat as you. My mom has COPD with emphysema. She was in the hospital after she almost died. Her oxygen level was 76! She's back smoking again and I could just smack the shit out of her for her stupid decision!
    I guess if your pleas aren't sinking in,theres nothing you can do. Tell her she'll have to go in a nursing home,that you won't watch her die in your home.

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 10:53 AM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I'm sorry for the news. Chronic illness in a family can't be easy for anyone, including yourself and your mother. Let her know how you feel, but do it in a way that doesn't make her feel like she's the bad guy. Just tell her how concerned you are and then ask her if you can do anything to help her during this time. Smoking may be a crutch to something else, and maybe if you suggest a replacement for that addiction, it might help. Just let her know that all of your concern is out of your love for her and that you're there for her - no matter what.

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 10:54 AM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • You're mistaking what you can control with what you can't. So far, you've tried emotional withdrawal and you're considering emotional blackmail... what you can expect from both is resistance, because that's what people do when they're manipulated.

    You need to get your head straightened out about where your power lies --and you're quite correct in that it certainly doesn't lie in controlling what your mother chooses to do, not even to her body.

    You do get to control what you do. Including whether or not you freely choose to take care of her, if she doesn't get killed by a bus tomorrow and take this terrifying future off the menu --even your doom-filled predictions don't score points in reality. Some people with emphysema die really quickly... others are poorly but capable of taking care of themselves for DECADES.

    What if, out of nowhere, she gets paralysed... will you still be mad about caring for her?

    Answer by LindaClement at 10:55 AM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I totally feel your pain, my sister smokes and has been hospitalized 4 times and put on oxygen unable to breathe on her own without it for days..she gets out of the hospital, vows to quit but always starts up again. She goes into these horrible coughing spells every time I see her ( I live in another town so it isn't often) where she can't catch her breath and it is painful to witness..I feel helpless and I know she won't be around much longer. I've never been a smoker so I don't understand how hard it is to quit, but I can't imagine continuing to do something that makes you feel so crappy every day and is going to eventually kill you. It doesn't matter how much crap I give her, she won't quit, I gave up a long time ago because I realized it was up to her, not my position to can make you seem self righteous and they end up hating you for that, so all I can do is just love her and be glad for the time I have her here.

    Answer by chocolatluver at 10:58 AM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • She is probably thinking "well I have already done the damage I might as well do what I love." Just talk to her and explain that if she stops that might give her a little extra time with her family.

    Answer by arenad at 10:59 AM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I'm going through this with my great grandmother, shes 89, has copd and takes breathing treatments, but.. she also still smokes her misty's. and all of my aunts, grandmother, and my mother are on her ass about it. im the only one who isnt.. shes 89, she still lives in the same house my great grandpa built, hand mops her own kitchen and bathroom floors, goes to bingo every night. shes my mean old bird.. and shes lived her life, and shes set in her ways, and i think shes earned her right to do whatever she wants. i get frustrated with them when they harp at her like shes a kid. in the case with your mother, its hard to go through that, and you do have a right to be upset like you are. but shes not your child, shes your mother, and just like she cared for you when you were little when you were sick, you will care for her. the fact that shes a smoker shouldnt matter, there are alot of people with lung disease that never smoked.

    Answer by ChiefJaws at 11:04 AM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE WHOLE " SMOKING THING " !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ------TOBACCO IS A DEADLY HERB !!!... And,---yet it is sold everywhere over the counter as if was as harmless as a package of cookies !!!...

    Answer by IndigoRose at 11:10 AM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I truly feel for you. My mother is self destructive too alcohol and tobacco. I love her so much but I hate what she has become. If your mom is like mine this probably wont help but I will suggest it. I am a smoker myself (i know yuk...calling the kettle black). BUT I did try Chantix before and it reallly works I had no desire for a cigarette at all after about 2 weeks. Why am I smoking now?? I'ts stupid but I was eating everything in sight and packing on pounds rapidly. I chose vanity over my health. I also had a LOT going on too as does your mother. Emphasema is scary. She has to be terrified. Maybe she is smoking to calm her nerves. My best suggestion is this: Chantix along with somthing like Prozac or some other antidepressant that will take away worry and axiety while she tries to stop so that maybe she wont reach for a cigarette when she gets worried. I dunno but stay strong for her and yourself.

    Answer by NativeMommy123 at 11:13 AM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I'm sorry 2 hear about ur mom. My fiances mom has emphasema & heart problems. We live a state away so he doesn't get 2 c her cause moneys tight & we have a baby. She had a heart attack a few months ago & was hospitalized. The medication the DR wanted 2 give her cannot b mixed with alcohol. She not only smokes but drinks as well. She refuses 2 give up the drinkin 2 get the meds that could help her. She lives by herself & I know shes not much longer 4 this world. He calls at least everyother day 2 ck on her and sometimes shes so drunk she can barely hold a conversation. I've given up talkn 2 her cause I can't understand what she says. Its like shes whispering. The only thing I can tell ya is 2 tell her how u feel & leave it at that. It's her choice & not much can b done about it. My dad has diabetes but still eats what he wants. Just says if I'm gona die I want 2 die doing what I want 2 do.

    Answer by amy197 at 1:22 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • It's not easy stopping and you shouldn't make it all about you

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:46 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

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