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How to separate from husband-smoothly... adult content

I need to give my husband an ultimatum. After alot of thought and seeking advice, I feel that I need to give him an ultimatum...get enrolled for help with your anger/temper problem, verbal abuse problem, or we must separate. Because I have asked him to do this before, and he blows it off, I think this is my only option, other than to just let him keep getting increasingly worse with his "temper tantrums" to the point where I am a complete wreck. Each time he blames me for "talking shit" and says I'm the problem. Where I come from, it's one thing to argue, but don't hit below the belt. He doesn't hit or slap me, but acts as though he is going to, and says very degrading aweful things in front of our children. He will throw things occasionally, and break things...but only when we are in an argument about something..other wise he is a wonderful dad and husband. We have 3 young children. If I go through with this, knowing how strong headed he is, I think he will get furious, and refuse the treatment, which will then force me to separate from him. I refuse to end up in some shelter or something. I don't know anyone who can accomodate me and my 3 kids during a separation...I just feel like because of this, I keep enabling him to continue with this behavior...and his episodes are increasing in frequency. He used to apologize after, now he doesn't at all. I am confused, and my head is just spinning. I feel like I know what I have to do, but I don't know how to do it!

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:11 PM on Nov. 30, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Honey, if someone was pointing a loaded gun at your youngest child but you had the opportunity to get him and the rest of your kids out, would you not TAKE it? Or would you just stand there knowing the loaded gun could go off at any second and splatter your baby's brains on the floor?

    Your husband's temper is a loaded gun. Someone who talks the way he does to you is NOT a wonderful husband OR father... he's a a pathetic excuse for a man. Do you want your CHILDREN acting this way? Or taking treatment like this?

    FORGET smooth. Get the hell out now, as if your house was burning down around you. Because I assure you, the flames are there.

    GO NOW.

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:20 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it's tough. For me, leaving was the only way he saw that I was serious, and even then, he thought I would come back. Unfortunately, you can't force him to get help, so you have to be prepared to leave. Can you rent a room? Stay with family? Save up money?

    Answer by MeandMyBabes at 12:21 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • There is no "smooth" way to leave an abusive partner. You just go, and don't look back, and don't care what happens after when you aren't there anymore. When you are done you are done, and that's all that matters. Good luck with this.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 12:22 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • Why would you have to go to a shelter? He's the one that needs to leave! File separation papers and when you do explain your situation and petition to have him leave the house. You and your children should not be put out because of his abusiveness.

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 12:28 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • Yah shouldhaveleft, then he knows where they are at. That's the point of a shelter. To keep them safe. It's not about who wins, in an abusive relationship. It's about getting out alive with your children.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 12:33 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I know what ur going thru. Thankfully n my case we didn't have kids 2gether. When we 1st got 2gether he was wonderful, but as the yrs passed he started with the verbal abouse and graduated 2 the physical. I stuck it out for 7 yrs. He ran all but the most hardiest of my friends off. Only a couple would dare 2 venture 2 the house. It was embaressing & sad. It got 2 the point that his life long friend wouldn't even come 2 c him anymore. He just didn't care. Said it was his buddies problem not his. I finally got smart & got out early last yr. It was hard. That was my home 2 but I realized it wasn't him that I was going 2 miss it was my home. Now I have my home, with a man that is great & a beautiful little boy. U MUST get ur babies away from that man. Because b4 2 long they won't c him as daddy anymore they will c him as a monster. Anythings better then what ur n now.

    Answer by amy197 at 12:35 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • So... to a frustrated, controlling person, you are planning an attempt to control him? I suspect this isn't going to work very well.

    Have you read any of John Gottman's research? He has rather neatly (after thousands of hours of lab research) pinned down the causes of divorce: criticism, complaints, contempt and withdrawal. The way to a happy marriage is to outnumber the negative interactions (criticism, complaints, nagging, snottiness, snide comments, ignoring each other, dismissal, threats, punishments, bribes, et cetera) by 5. For every negative interaction, 5 positive interactions must occur or the effect of the single negative becomes compounded by every other negative.

    No matter what --whether you stay or go, or try the grade-school ultimatum-- you need to learn to relate to people without trying to control them, because you can't and because it's endlessly frustrating. Try William Glasser's Choice Theory, to start.

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:38 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • Hunny this was me 3yrs ago. He sounds just like my ex-husband!! There is no easing into it......just do it! My kids thanked me later for leaving him and they were very young as well. He never did help himself. But when I did leave he tried to smooth talk me and say things to me that I wanted to hear. But over the years I got smart. I knew he was just full of it and only wanted to get me back so he could abuse me and the kids more. Once I broke free of this I never looked back. Now he is in a new relationship and low and behold, he beat her up and now is involved with Child and Family Services and has nothing to do with our children. Pretty damn sad if you ask me! But for you, I would just do it and not think about all the what if's as it will drive you crazy. Put all your trust in God and move forward. A better life awaits you.....and if anything maybe your hubby will realize what he has lost and will get the help

    Answer by newlifewith3 at 12:45 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • Question though....I know this sounds probably really annoying to you all...but, other than his "tantrums" he is very family oriented, loving, caring, fun, hands on with our kids. Also...his episodes never take place any other time than when we are in an argument. Maybe none of this matters...I don't know...I am very confused.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:57 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • You'd be surprised as to all the help thats out in the world that can help you with shelter, food and and a whole new lease on life... But first you have to take that step of faith and do what's best for yourself and your children. Forget about the ultimatum. He knows that he has a problem...and therefore it is up to him to learn how to control his anger because if he doesn't, your children will either be victims of abuse or be abusers....jmo...

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 1:01 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

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