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Would anyone else read your adult daughter's texts if they knew that her boyfreind was controlling ?

My daughter (23 today) moved back home for a while because she and her boyfreind were not getting a long. One night they had this horrible fight and he texted her some things that were not nice. I hate u, etc. etc..Well the next day she went to work and I was trying to call her , however she left her phone here. She never leaves her phone. I got nosey and looked at her text from that night and what I read made me throw up. He told her he hated her and everything about her and her family. And if we came near him he'd kill us all and burn our house down. And he'd choked her. When i went to her with this, she actually defended him and got mad at me for reading her texts and invading her privacy. Now she is back living with him and never ever comes here because that is one of his demands, stay away from me. He hates m because I've seen him for what he is and don't make any notions of staying quiet. She won't leave him even tho she knows he's not good. They are very rarelly happy. He is a narcisstic sociopath who wants to control her entire life and he's got her so brainwashed that she can see it but doesn't. He doesn't want her around me cuz he knows I do whatever it takes to make her see him in truth. Would any of you mom's of read the texts in this situation or was I wrong to do this and should be ashamed of myself

 
CwbysLdi

Asked by CwbysLdi at 12:43 PM on Nov. 30, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 6 (122 Credits)
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Answers (9)
  • Yes, and damn sooky i would have my husband at his door telling him if he ever layed his hands on my daughter he would fu..lll.l ring his neck. Not litterly.....but he don't know that.

    We need to stand up for our kids, if we don't who will and yes they will get mad at us. I would rather approach the man then my own daughter, she is in love and hopfeully will find her way. I wish when I was younger someone helped me see that LOVE DON'T HURT. THAT IS WHAT SHE NEEDS TO SEE...Do what ever it takes she is your daughter, and forget what everyone else says.. No one said nothing to me.... I am doing better but I wonder if someone did would it have made a diffrence, I will never know... Good luck!!!!!
    KFree907

    Answer by KFree907 at 12:51 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • No, I wouldn't. I am always the first person to step in and stand up for abused women, however, I feel it's up to them to decide they need the help. I have known WAY to many women who walk right back in to the situation because they just weren't ready to get out. If and when I know this stuff is going on I always make a point to make sure they know I am here, and that they know I will always step in when THEY are ready for help. But to step in and read messages - abuse suspicion or not - to me steps over that boundary and doesn't help anyone involved, if anything it breaks a trust that is greatly needed for her to ever come to you for help when she is ready.
    SabrinaMBowen

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 12:49 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I would have read them. Flat out. No question. AND....I would not have felt guilty.
    DMac08

    Answer by DMac08 at 12:46 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • Privacy is an important issue, but your daughters safety has to come first. Personally I probably would have done the same thing.
    bellsandheels

    Answer by bellsandheels at 12:46 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • Yeah, if I thought my child were in danger, I would read her texts. You clearly had a feeling about him anyway and what is better than a mother's intuition? However, I suggest if you get the oppurtunity again, that you not tell her about it. It's better if you at least monitor and know what's going on somewhat than having her cut you out. Also, next time, I would try to print those texts or find a way to copy them, send them to your phone, so you can take it to the authorities if need be. I'm sorry about your situation, just keep being there for her because she WILL need you one day. GL!
    Shanna84

    Answer by Shanna84 at 12:48 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • Of course she got mad at you for reading her texts. How is that going to help the issue? You already know he is a bad person to begin with. You reading her texts will do nothing to help convince her of this.
    Candi1024

    Answer by Candi1024 at 12:52 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • Trust and privacy is huge to me. No, I would not have read her texts. You probably made her run even further into his arms by breaking her trust. He used to be the enemy, now you are. Give it some time and keep apologizing. She'll eventually forgive you.
    Orionsgirl

    Answer by Orionsgirl at 12:53 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • If she was livinng under my roof at the time I would have done the same thing you did. If I was at her home or she lived on her own than no I wouldnt. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you.
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 1:16 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • Reading the text is fine, especially if you felt she was with someone dangerous. However, what you did next was the problem. You made yourself the target, you gave him the worst thing-something for them to share...being mad at you. You should have used the information you found to indirectly persuade your daughter to reconsider this relationship. You could have come across as insightful and "knowing" but instead you took an emotional road and ran with it, trying to force her arm, which just won't work.

    Water under the bridge. You should support her, hard as that is. Provide to her what he does not, earn her trust back. Maybe she will leave next time he screws it up, that will happen again. But you need to let her know that you will welcome her back anytime with no strings and no judgment. She is too old to to use threats or force. You need her to show that this guy is all wrong about you and everything else in the world
    spottedpony

    Answer by spottedpony at 1:24 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

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