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when you adopt is it harder to have a bond with the child?

i dont mean for it to sound bad... i have one bio kiddo... and looking into adoption for a brother or sister for him and so we can have 2 kiddos.... i was just wondering if it is harder to bond and love at first.... when my lil man was born it was right away well even before he was born... and i was wondering if any adoptive mommas out there could give me some insight... we are looking at adopting a toddler or a little older of a child and im not sure how you go about bonding with the child and if you feel the same love for both of them? sorry im not sure how to word it

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jaksonsmommy

Asked by jaksonsmommy at 4:36 PM on Nov. 30, 2010 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,610 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • I have had custody of my twin nephews since they were 18 months old. I had never seen them before the family crisis that brought them to me. But, the minute I saw them with their little arms stretched out to be held, I fell in love and we bonded as though I'd given birth to them myself. They are now 18 yrs old. And, I am as close to them and love them the same as my bio-kids who are 31 & 33 yrs old.
    specialwingz

    Answer by specialwingz at 4:41 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I do not have any adopted children(I have friends who do) but for me I know it would be hard. (long story there) I think it depends on the person how quickly and easily they bond. Just like when a baby is born for some it is love at first posative test for others it takes some time...
    But_Mommie

    Answer by But_Mommie at 4:43 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I know a few adoptive mommies, and they all say that the bond was immediate. The one girl that had a biological child said that there was no difference, other than she didn't have to stay in the hospital :)
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 4:44 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I've never adopted a child but I am an adoptee and I never felt a real bond with either of my parents...maybe before they adopted my brother...but not after that. It was always apparent that he was the favorite.
    Joyzap2003

    Answer by Joyzap2003 at 4:53 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I think it depends on the circumstances that bring the toddler or older child to you. I am assuming you are going through foster care since you want an older child. (Toddlers are very difficult to find in domestic adoptions). There are often attachment disorders that come with parenting a hurt child. You also will have the natural instinct of being "on guard" because you will fear that the adoption may fall through.

    To answer you questions, I loved my adopted children at first sight, I did all of the new parent things like staying up all night and just staring at them. I couldnt believe I could possibly be so lucky. You also have the benefit of not having just been through an exhausting childbirth so you have the energy to immediately focus on them. I dont know what it is like to give birth to a child but I cant imagine loving another human being any more that I love my kids.
    2ndtimewish

    Answer by 2ndtimewish at 6:35 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I can only speak for myself. I've never had any bio children, and I did feel a strong bond with both of my kids as soon as they were handed to me. I will be honest and say that it continued to grow over the first few months, to the point where I can now say that I would die for either or both of them.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 6:53 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • The second they handed me my son, he was mine, we bonded instantly,and it continues to grow over time..
    Joesiahsmommy

    Answer by Joesiahsmommy at 9:46 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • I have a biological child and an adopted son. The only difference is that the bond with my bio son started before he was born an d with our adopted son it was the minute he was born. As for an older child, I also have guardianship of my other son, and the bond was not as quick as he was 9 when he joined our family. The bond now is very strong. He is 14 now. He still doesn't call us mom and dad, but to his friends that's who we are and he refers us to them as mom and dad. It may be a journey getting the bond where you want it, but all worth it in the end! Good luck in whatever it may be you decide:)?
    whit1

    Answer by whit1 at 10:30 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • I had compassion and concern but connected took time. I didn't allow myself at his birth to become attatched to this specific child in case we were not going to parent him. She had time to change her mind, his birth mother, and it would not have been good to hold and claim him as mine if we we not the actual parents. She did sign saying she terminated her rights and put her intension for us to adopt to the lawyer. She had some time to do that. In that time we were present but not hovering. Attatchment came later after we were all home. But many bio moms I have worked with have confided how they never bonded with a specific child or didn't really love a child until much later...or loved one kid more than the other. Attatchment isn't a bio vs. adoption thing. It just is. Either you have mutual attatchment or you don't. Or it is one sided. Or nothing in either direction. This idea that a child pops ot and boom you
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 12:40 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • Have this connection is not true for many moms. So many women feel depressed and lonely thinking something is wrong because they do not have this instant "bond". I find it refreshing to look at each individual experience and not compare to another's. It is normal to have to build a relationship....bio or adoption. To get a routine, to feel confident, to get to know the person. Unfortunately I had a mother who never really allowed herself to appropriately attatch to me...and she was my bio mother. It all goes back to there are no guarantees in life...not even the promise that those who are supposed yo love and care for you will.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 12:49 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

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