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I'm I obsessing?

My husband cheated last year and if any of you know what that's like, you get the "truth" out of them in trickles. Throughout the entire time after it was supposedly over...08/14/09 I kept asking him if he was still in contact with her and he said no...I kept asking him in September...he said October...he said no...and so on and so on and so on. Finally last night I pressed him and he admitted to me that he had talked to her in October. When I asked him why he said "because we felt like it". I asked him what made him stop talking to her and he said "because I didn't want to deal with the public phone hassle anymore"...not because I didn't want to hurt you or something like that but a public phone. I was hurt all over again and he said but I've been good and I said but you lied to me over and over again and the reason you stopped dealing with her was not because I was hurt but because you were being inconvenienced. They even worked out a system for him to call her. I said why didn't you call her from your phone and he said, because you would check it and see that we talked. I asked him if it crossed his mind that I would be hurt if I found out and he said but you weren't going to find out besides it's long over...get over it. He again said "look, I've been good forget last year...let's say for arguments sake that I was with her till the end of December, 2009...I didn't choose her, I chose you and now your just being INSANELY OBSESSED."

He keeps calling me obsessed because I'm still hurt that he didn't think of me once or the 20 years we've been together or how much I loved him or even after I pointed out to him that he could give me a disease by having unprotected sex with that nasty cum dumpster he didn't care and I'm obsessed???

I can't get over the hurt. I can barely breath right now and all I want to do is cry.

Am I being obsessed? How long does it take to get over something like this? Please help!


Asked by ShouldHaveLeft at 8:27 PM on Nov. 30, 2010 in Relationships

Level 23 (16,621 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • And if it's obsessing, it's justified. If his sorry ass would answer your questions, you could move on. Right? Geez, is his head totally filled with rocks? Women need closure. He cheated, he doesn't get to tell you to be quiet and stop asking. He's been good. Humph, that right there makes me want to grab my iron skillet!

    Answer by Raine2001 at 10:25 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • He sounds like an asshole to me.

    Answer by gulfcoastmom4 at 8:29 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • This is one of the many reasons that forgiving something like this it will always come back to haunt you. I do not know about you but I for one would never get over it and would end my relationship in order to avoid what you and most women who stay after their mates are unfaithful go through, this will be for me an never ending saga of distrust and what if's. For me breaking my trust is a deal breaker, and now you are experiences why some don't put up with it.

    Answer by older at 8:32 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • im not sure how long it takes to get over but id be very hurt to and what he calls obsessed. i think you are very entitled to how you are feeling right now and since it jumped from august to december, sounds like hes a big liar. try marriage counseling if you still want to save your marriage, good luck

    Answer by meagan678 at 8:31 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I'm sorry. I would be worried the rest of my marriage. I am just being honest. I feel that if your husband lied once, he might lie again. Maybe he is sorry and will never do it again...I hope that's the case. I just know how I am. I would worry, be suspicious, etc.

    When I married my husband 17 years ago, I told him that I can tolerate a lot of things....but the one thing I could not tolerate is cheating. I told him if he cheated on me it would be over...because I know I would never be able to look at him in the same way I did prior and I would always worry about him cheating again.

    Good luck
    PS.. You could always see a marital therapist together. I hope this helps.

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 8:32 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I have a friend in this same boat and they are in serious therapy. The therapist says, in order for her to move forward with is cheating ass, she is ALLOWED to ask ANY question she wants for as long as it takes and he has to answer them. That is part of HIS owning up to the crap he pulled. So she's asked, which hotels, which restaurants, where were they, etc. Mainly because she doesn't want to go to those same places with him. Point being, that husband of yours needs to continue his responsibility and not turn it on you like your feelings aren't important. Who cares if he's been good? AND he lied to you. I'm sorry but you should consider this long and hard. GL.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 9:44 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • it can take a while to get over you were hurt from someone who you trusted more than anything, you have given him 20years of your life if my husband cheated on me i wouldnt give him the chance i would have told him to walk last year, you have a good heart and truth is you have a right to know what went on cos you gave him that chance, calm down and speak to him again and just say how you feel and how its eating you up inside

    Answer by angelbaby1323 at 8:35 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • I totally agree with jeanclaudia, if, IF, you guys want to work though this, you get to ask whatever you want and he has to answer. He cheated, the ball is in your court. But, I have to say, from all your other posts, I was under the impression you were done. So, IDK if you are in the way of working things out. Either way, he's not over the affair, OR, he's just not over himself. The complete lack of respect for you says he's done with the marriage, IMO. Also, it seems to me, from your past posts, he chose they type of 'cum dumpster' that would be the biggest slap in the face to you. These things, all signs he's done. You aren't likely to get straight answers. It's going to hurt like hell. And I don't have a clue as to how you can get through it, other then take it day by day. And get therapy yourself. But, until you let him go, honestly let his sorry ass go, you won't be on your way to getting through it.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 10:22 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • We've been to counseling and it didn't help. I've read the books and they are all bullshit. I just hurt and hurt and hurt!!!

    Comment by ShouldHaveLeft (original poster) at 8:52 PM on Nov. 30, 2010

  • It's not healthy to worry so much. Counseling is good for the soul. Church or a friend etc.

    Answer by trashymom at 10:28 PM on Nov. 30, 2010