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Is there a good way to tell someone she is not being a good mother?

My fiances' children are coming to us a mess, nd they are constantly hurt, and their mother is not taking car eof their injuries properly. Last week I told one of the you ones that she needed a bra (she's developing VERY early) and this week she came with a bra only a full sized bra on. She is six years old! She needs a training bra not a bra that is way to big for her! My question is, when is it enough? I have held my tounge for a year and a half now, and I really would like to have a few words with this woman on how she should raise the kids....I know that it will only do damage in the long run, but every time she drops them off or we drop them off i get sick from holding everything in! Is there any "good" way for me to approach her?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:55 PM on Jul. 5, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • YOU should not approach her because although you care for them, they are not your kids. Your fiance needs to mention the things he is not happy with in a sensitive manner. No mother wants to hear that she is doing a bad job, so make sure it is done with respect and caring, no just coming down on her.
    handsomebabyj

    Answer by handsomebabyj at 7:39 PM on Jul. 5, 2008

  • I agree with handsomebaby--your finace is the one who should tell her, and in a caring, concerned way. If he doesn't think he can do it calmly, he should practice beforehand. I wish you luck in this situation!
    bluiidmommy

    Answer by bluiidmommy at 8:00 PM on Jul. 5, 2008

  • I agree with the other two posters. I am a step-mom myself. I have never and will never speak to my husband's ex wife regarding issues with their child. It is not my place, it is the father's place to talk to her. As hard as it is, bite your tongue.
    AKEllen

    Answer by AKEllen at 8:09 PM on Jul. 5, 2008

  • Back off before you drive a wedge between you and your fiance, at best, or your fiance and his kids, at worst. It is his job to make the decision on whether or not the kids are not being cared for properly.
    halfpint_ny

    Answer by halfpint_ny at 9:44 PM on Jul. 5, 2008

  • Oh, and the bra thing. The kid's mom is probably doing it to have fun with you. The kid is six. She goes home and says "mom, I need a bra". The mom laughs and asks where she heard such a thing. She tells her. Mom thinks "I'll show that so-and-so. I'll get a bra....."

    I'm just sayin'.
    halfpint_ny

    Answer by halfpint_ny at 9:48 PM on Jul. 5, 2008

  • while sit down and talk with her.like adults.i know some one who is a true jackass on raiseing kids.and i dont know how they live.the oldest boy takes care of everything and mom is always whoren around new guy every week.she has clean house food kids have but not told proper things.good luck..
    supermama65

    Answer by supermama65 at 11:14 PM on Jul. 5, 2008

  • I agree with the 'let the parent do the talking'. I always give my significant other the 'dirty' jobs of talking with the mom. That is, after all, his job/choice/responsibility.

    I also agree with halfpint_ny that mom was just trying to 'do' something or 'make a point' with the bra thing.

    It sounds to me like your heart is in the right place. Sorry you're dealing with this and good luck!
    idahospaz

    Answer by idahospaz at 12:02 AM on Jul. 6, 2008

  • Why dont' you go buy her a right size bra instant telling her what to do? You are stepmother, and you have the right to help heal the wounds, buy the right size bra, teach her how to use the pad, how to kick boys'axx( kidding)

    If they are dirty , clean them and send them back in their best shape. The BM might follow if you show her what is clean, what is right and how to do it.
    yoshiki56

    Answer by yoshiki56 at 6:56 AM on Jul. 6, 2008

  • I thank you all for your answers, and although I do my best, we can't afford to go out and buy her new bras. We have already bought her new pants b/c her mother was putting her into a "6x" and she's really a size ten. He works full time, I work part time, and I go to college, but she also takes 27% of his NET pay...Which I don't mind as long as it's used for the kids. He trys to talk to her, but she doesn't respond. We are trying to save money to get a big enough house that we can get custody of them, but I know from personal experience that courts almost always rule in the mothers favor. We are trying to accrue evidence, but we don't want to cue the children in and get them stuck in the middle when they don't have to be. It is so hard to bite my tounge, but I did...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:03 PM on Jul. 6, 2008

  • Who died and made you the mommy police? This is only one side of the story. Everyone jumping on the bandwagon and patting you on the back isn't doing you any good. If you truly believe that this woman is not providing proper care for her children, then do something about it. Report her ass to the authorities. You alleged marks from being hurt, take pictures and document things. Taking the high and mighty role is not the answer. It does nothing but fuel your ego. If you want to help those children, then quit fucking around and do it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:44 PM on Jul. 19, 2008

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