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Answers / Parenting / General Parenting

how many times should a child get disciplined for one thing??

I picked our son who just turned 3 in Nov. up from Daycare last night and apparently he was out of character because I had last week off and had him home with me so he hadn't been there in 10 days, well anyway, he would normally be more emotional but he was more aggressive and angry and was talking back and got a time out etc. So I talked to him about this on the way home about it not being acceptable and he apologized and then we got home and told his dad about this ( who tends to try to talk to him like he's 10 instead of 3 ) so He does get angry and wasn't listening so he got in trouble for that, anyway, My question is,. if he got talked to and disciplined at Daycare, then got talked to about by me on the way home, it is excessive to have my husband talk to him about this also or is this how it works? We battle in the discipline area because we have different views anyway, but I don't know how to get him or us on the same page without telling him as being his father, he should know what his behavior was like, but he talks to him like he's an adult and gets mad that he won't sit and answer guestions he's incapable of understanding at his age and when I talk to him about it, he gets offended like I don't let him parent or something.. I guess this is a 2 part question... is it ok for ALL of us to discipline / talk to him about his behavior and how do you get your spouse to simplify his talks??? or at least get on the same page? He mentioned spanking last night for bad behavior which I am totally not for but he said he will be a spoiled kid if we don't... ugh...

 
maxsmom11807

Asked by maxsmom11807 at 11:04 AM on Dec. 1, 2010 in General Parenting

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Answers (10)
  • Of course it's ok for all of you to talk to him about his behavior. That's not being punished again, that's learning to be accountable. Dad might need help learning what a child of that age is and is not capable of understanding in conversation, but not only does Dad have a right to be discussing the child's behavior with him, he has a responsibility to do so. To get on the same page, you have a good long hard talk that may include compromise on both sides, and come to some concrete decisions about how this will be consistently handled between the two of you at all times.
    justnancyb

    Answer by justnancyb at 11:44 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • Sitting the child down and talking to him ... you, grandma, Dad, and whoever else ... is NOT additional punishment. It is a way of teaching how important of an issue this is and how it will not be accepted. It is a natural consequence of bad behavior - every invested adult should want to let the child know that the behavior was inappropriate and must be stopped. If the adults don't stress the importance of good behavior, then we can expect the children to dismiss "getting in trouble at school" as no big deal. It was absolutely appropriate for the child's father to discuss with the child what happened at school and why it will not be allowed to happen again. It is absolutely appropriate for the child's father to tell the child what the punishment will be if it does happen again. The important adults in the child's life should be saying "I am disappointed in your choices and I expect to see better behavior in the future."
    aliceinalgonac

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 11:31 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • Your husband has a right to talk to him and discipline him as well, and really should be involved in the discipline, believe me , if he's involved now, it will make it easier for you when your son is a teenager.

    I think if you're concerned about the number of times he's being disciplined and lectured to, that maybe you should wait until you get home, and talk to your husband then talk to your son together. He'll see that you're united about his behavior, and your husband won't be left out of the discipline.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:08 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • Good for Dad for reinforcing that the bad behavior was wrong. Too many Dads don't bother with that sort of thing, they just leave it all up to Mom. The kid should know he's not going to get away with acting like that. Dad sitting him down to talk wasn't his being "disciplined again".
    Gaccck

    Answer by Gaccck at 11:40 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • As many times as it takes to sink in!!!
    blue_glass_mama

    Answer by blue_glass_mama at 11:08 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • He was punished in school and talked to on the way home that's where it should've ended. There's no need for your husband to jump in with an argument ready and time outs. That's just excessive punishment for something he was already punished for. Now if he continued to be disrespectful or continued to be "out of character" then continue with another punishment. However, if he's no longer misbehaving then you're just beating a dead horse. No point in that.

    Spanking will not deture him from being spoiled. It will not create a spoiled child either. All spanking does is show violence is the proper way to handle situations and it should never be the answer. It creates fear and resentment towards the parent and that shouldn't be a basis for diciplin ever.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 11:18 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • Don't keep your husband out of the loop, but maybe tell him after your son goes to bed that this is what happened, the daycare handled it and you've since discussed it with your son, you expect the behavior won't continue.
    amybaby_19

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 11:06 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • Look if the school told you then it must be serious... Usually when they deal with it on there own they don't tell you the small stuff.

    I would have him earn tv time for good behaivor, or something like that..... if he is too young then do happy faces, sad faces and stuff like that.

    Speak to your husband and see what he thinks then move on..... Yes, you should be on the exact same page with the teacher..... :) Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!
    KFree907

    Answer by KFree907 at 11:10 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • I think one consequence is appropriate for one misbehavior, but if the same misbehavior is repeated it's a new incident and deserves another consequence. On a bad day it can feel kind of harsh, but it usually means there are less bad days when we consistently stick to that plan. I think if the behavior was addressed at daycare then you don't need to bring it up again; he already got a consequence and knows what he was doing wasn't right.
    TweenAndTwinMom

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 11:15 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • I think it's excessive for you to have done anything about it, apart from maybe wondering out loud with him why he was feeling the way he did before he started making it clear all over the room that he was unhappy.

    Who is on his side, here? I see three great big huge adults, one (at least) with a foul temper that frankly makes the 3yo's behaviour look completely fine (how many times does Dad get disciplined? Zero?), all of whom are clearly against the child. If you think your son sees this some other way, I'd love to know what you think that looks like....

    Spanking children teaches them that when you're bigger YOU are allowed to hit, but until he's bigger HE is not. How can anyone expect to use violence to teach someone to be non-violent?

    When your dh says 'I turned out alright' the only rational response is 'no, you didn't --you think hitting people 10% of your weight is 'fine' which is not 'alright' by any measure.'
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 11:27 AM on Dec. 1, 2010

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