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3 Bumps

would you let the uncle visit?

I'm a single mom,my daughter is 6.5yrs old, her dad is no longer in the picture. he really only was sorta in the picture for just under 2 yrs. well, i got a message on my answering machine from my ex's brother..(my daughters uncle) we haven't seen or heard from him since my daughters bday (in april) and he called and asked if he could come by to give her a bday present, i said yes, (only because dad was still somewhat involved) but in may her dad decided "he's done". so yaa, i get a message today form the uncle asking if he could come by and see her and give her a present for christmas..its been 7 months!! i never have had anything to do with that side of the her "family"..and i really dont want him to come out and see her..if he was really that interested, he couldve called..actually, he even said when he came in april that if it was ok with me, he wanted to take her for a day or 2 during summer...yaaa that never happened..he never called, not even once!! my daughter could care less about any of those people, she never asks, nothing!! i do NOT plan on callin the uncle back. and i do not plan on letting the uncle visit...but if you were me..what would you do??

 
alexis_06

Asked by alexis_06 at 10:08 PM on Dec. 1, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 42 (146,031 Credits)
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Answers (16)
  • You know when I was 5 or 6 one of my aunts went threw a divorce. She had a son who was about a year or 2 younger than me. I haven't seen him since. When I turned 18 I tried to contact him but his dear ol dad wouldn't let me. I never did anything to him and I had not choice about waiting until I was an adult to get in touch. I'm still heart broken. I have a cousin who I haven't seen in 20 yrs all because some dad felt that I wasnt his family. Sooo not true.
    As long as you don't feel he is a physical danger to her then I would let him come by. It's wrong to not let her see her uncle because you don't want to deal with that side of the family.
    2murphyboys

    Answer by 2murphyboys at 10:31 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • Yes, she has every right to know her fathers family. Just because he is a jerk and isn't involved doesn't mean the rest of the family should be punised too. The uncle is trying, let him be involved in her life.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:11 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • In all honesty I do not likethe idea of a child being pumped up with a dillusion and than slammed by the behaviors of some adults... so with my ex's family I tell them to F'Off unless they plan on playing an active role in the lives of our children. I think it is "WRONG" to do that to a child....thinking they will come than they never even show, shows their true character!
    MommaClark3

    Answer by MommaClark3 at 10:13 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • I would give the uncle a chance.
    older

    Answer by older at 10:13 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • I would never tell the fathers family they can't be involved unless you thought they would physically harm her. I've seen what happens. When your daughter gets older and asks them why they were never around they will turn it around on you and say your mom wouldn't let us. Don't give them the opportunity to plant that into your daughters head when she's an adult. Just let him drop off the present maybe he'll never come around who knows, but they'll never be able to say they weren't allowed to. (If the uncle feels that way it will be passed on to the family).
    bseastrand

    Answer by bseastrand at 10:22 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • try to put yourself in the uncle's shoes. He is probably aware of the whole his brother ditching thing, yet still loves his niece (she is family ya know) but doesnt want to make things awkward or uncomfortable for you, so he only really does the necessary holidays. Whats so bad that is going to happen if you let him see her and give her a present? If you dont trust her alone with him then dont leave her alone with him. Its as simple as that.
    babystew

    Answer by babystew at 10:23 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • i say yes, give him a chance
    leksismommy

    Answer by leksismommy at 10:23 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • Yes let him visit. If it will not upset your daughter to not see him for a another year after he leaves then really what will it hurt. When she is older and whats to know about them then you will be able to tell her that whenever they called you said Yes come right over. I don't think I would be ok with letting them take my child overnight for a day or 2 because for something like that you need to know them and they need to prove they are trust worthy! But what could a short visit and a gift hurt? She does have a right to know them, and birthdays and christmas really aren't trying but one day she will be able to make that decision for herself. Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best for you and your daughter!
    klpeter

    Answer by klpeter at 10:24 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • I would not want to be the one to stop her from knowing her family....I dont like some of my sons fathers family but they are his family so i put on a happy face for my son while biting my tongue. I always think about the future.... for example what if when your DD is old enough to know whats going on and the uncle reaches out, they form a relationship and out comes that mom kept uncle away from her...theres a good chance that may start a fight and cause resentment. I understand that you think they may not make enough of an effort but dont try to stop the one he does try to make.
    Finkette

    Answer by Finkette at 10:26 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

  • Just because she doesn't say anything or ask doesn't mean she doesn't think about her father's side of the family. I never asked my mom questions or said things about my bio-dad's family because my mom was always angry about them. Dad was a dead beat and his family never called. 40 years later she is still angry.

    Don't be that person. Give him a chance. Give the whole family a chance. If you reach out, they might too. You are waiting on them to reach, but maybe they are embarrassed that their son/brother is a dead beat and don't know how to make an overture.
    balagan_imma

    Answer by balagan_imma at 10:36 PM on Dec. 1, 2010

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