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3 Bumps

failing relationship

What do you do when your relationship is failing and have no one to talk to even though you have a support with your family but they live so far away and they can be judgemental and you can talk to his because it's between him and you.

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aus14

Asked by aus14 at 10:42 AM on Dec. 2, 2010 in Relationships

Level 9 (309 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • In the early days of my marriage, when I was struggling with a number of questions about it, I read book after book on marriage. I learned so much from just reading of the experiences of other married people, both men and women. In January, my husband and I will celebrate our 46th wedding anniversary, so I would say that the books helped. Also, I think it is very dangerous to discuss marital problems with very close relatives. They are always going to be biased and what you really need is some objectivity. If you are interested, I can recommend several good titles for you to read.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:45 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • Well, it's best not to involve either of your families in your relationship. Friends can be helpful, but that can cause more problems too. See if you can find some kind of support group in your area....and more importantly, if you want to work on your marriage, find a marriage counselor to work with. That's who you should be talking to....or if you have a church, talk to your pastor.

    Good Luck.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:46 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • Recognize that no one person can be all of what anyone needs --make more friends, reach out in generosity to other people rather than looking around for people who can give you what you think you want.

    You can talk to his, if you want to. The fact that it's between him and you is no natural barrier. Many parents and siblings can see their family members quite clearly and don't have any loyalty demands to pretend they're all perfect or they all agree.

    It seems to me that you're spending a lot of time putting people into categories, rather than responding to them as independent individuals, with independent minds...

    It might be worthwhile for you to do some personal work: your relationship is not 'failing' --it's being suffocated, and you're participating. Look at John Gottman's work about relationships and be honest about how you're pushing your loved ones away...
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 10:46 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • well hun sounds like you are my twin! i was having the same problem,i decided not to tell my parents that we split up...eventually i did tell them but i waited a few days after the fact because i needed to be alone to think,and i didnt want to call my mom and be like oh yeah we broke up due to a failing relationship and he was a jerk to me and my son....my mom would fly off the handles,not because we broke up but because he was a jerk to me and my son....and i refused to hear it from anyone the day it happened.....so like i said i gave it a little time after we split to tell anyone....trust me it was easier for me to do that....good luck sweetie
    SMALLfry05

    Answer by SMALLfry05 at 10:50 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • and by the way if you are trying to stay together but you know its failing then you need to talk to eachother like adults,just sit down and be like listen.....then maybe if you guys can talk things out see what happens next.......i hope things work out for you.....
    SMALLfry05

    Answer by SMALLfry05 at 10:52 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • Talk to him about it
    Mena929

    Answer by Mena929 at 10:53 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • It is easy for family to take sides. One of my sil's told me early in marriage think past all the problems, try to think back to when you got married how you felt about him. How much you loved him, what your plans for the future were. Try to get back to that place. I told her I couldn't even remember and it made me cry. I was so torn up. She is now divorced and remarried I still have the same guy. Go figure her advice worked for me but not for her self.
    I know it is really hard to discuss marital issues with family. Like you said they judge the situation they know you both. I found a really good friend on line. We talk often and when were really having issues we phone each other. Usually once or twice a week we have a good heart to heart. It took me a long time to find her but you can. So keep your heart open and friends will come.
    I am sure you can find an online support or even here on cafemom. Good luck honey.
    mmmegan38

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 10:53 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • Please send me the name of the books.

    I have done as much possible for the relationship we have been married for 6 years and had many ups and downs. I let him go on trips when he like I moved because he wanted to be closer to his family. I now live in a small town where over I year I don't know any one still as I go to work and come home and take care of our son.. I don't go anywhere but the store and work, I let my DH go out with friends while I stay at home. I have bent over backwards for him He is a good dad to my son when he is home and my son is up. and of course there is the rest of the story that I won't bring on unless someone wants to hear me rant
    aus14

    Comment by aus14 (original poster) at 10:56 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • I would love to talk to him, but he does have a temper (he doesn't take it out on me or my son) but he gets home and watches TV and you dont talk during this time (including my 2 year old). By the time this is over it's time for bed. I am also afraid of what he may say, something I don't want to hear.... I also have to always chose my words carefuly as he get mad easily
    aus14

    Comment by aus14 (original poster) at 11:01 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • You shouldn't talk about marrital or relationship problems with anyone but a good counselor. By good counselor I mean somehow that has gone through marital or realtionship problems and saved their marriage/relationhip and can talk from experience and expertise. I recommend this website; it gives you a lot of insite: http://www.marriagemax.com/free-marriage-advice.asp some things are free if you sign up thur emails.
    norrs12

    Answer by norrs12 at 11:10 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

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