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Is it wrong to feel this way?

My father got killed in a car accident on 04/16/07. My mother was in the same accident and almost died herself. My father was a great dad but not a very good husband but they were married 43 yr when he died nonetheless. Anyhow, my mother med this gentlemen abut 2 years ago and they were "dating" and about four month ago she told him to move into her house. This man is very, very nice and he treats her like a queen. She was recently in the hospital and then they moved her to rehab and just now he called me and told me in spanish "hey, I'm taking the little princess home." So you can see how he is with her. My son is 22 and since he's so young and immature, he holds tons of resentment towards this guy and recently towards his grandmother, the way he puts it is "mom, I walk into that house now and I don't feel papi at all." He was very close to my father, papi practically raised him and I remind him that it is "her" house and she is entitled to be happy and if this gentlemen does that and is a decent person, he needs to grow up and leave her alone about it. She's 80 years old and although I'm very happy for her and see how happy he makes her, happier than I ever saw her with my dad, every now and then I get this twing in my chest and wish this guy wasn't in my father house either. I'm a 45 year old adult women, is this normal?


Asked by ShouldHaveLeft at 11:09 AM on Dec. 2, 2010 in Relationships

Level 23 (16,621 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • I think it's totally normal. I'm 49. My parents divorced when I was an mom has met a wonderful guy who also treats her like a queen, and I'm very happy for her....I really love the guy she's married to now too. But, like you, I occasionally walk into the house, and wish my father was there.......I miss the "normalcy" of having my parents together and our family as it was.

    I think it's totally normal to miss having your family together. At any age. Everything else you said, tells us that you respect your mom, and love her, and have no resentment toward her, of course you miss having your family as it was.......*hugs*

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:21 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • I think it is perfectly normal for you to have these twinges. You still miss your father. No matter how happy this other man makes your mom, part of you wishes it was and or could have been your father.

    You seem to actually have a really good handle on it. As for your son, I don't know what to say. When my grandfather died my grandmother never got involved with another man. But she did clear out his stuff and put her own spin on some of the spaces that had been more his. I never felt the lack of him. He was in the house no matter the physical things. He built a life with her there and I think that is what your son needs to know. He probably still misses Papi a lot and doesn't know how to deal with that plus the boyfriend.

    Big Hugs to the both of you!

    Answer by balagan_imma at 11:22 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • I think what you're feeling is completely normal. You would have to be an absolute robot to not have these feelings once in a while. Your father will always be your father, the man who raised you (and helped raise your son) and it's hard to just completely allow another person into that role. You've made it very clear that you support your mom's relationship, you support this man whose in her life, and you're happy to see her happy. So clearly your heart is in the right place. Don't be hard on yourself when you find that you're at times identifying with your son because when you lose someone whose so close to you, it's only normal for those feelings to come. It' snot like it's dominating you and you're hating this man in your heart. You just miss your papi and that's fine. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. I find the first response rather "Nasty" in itself.

    Answer by Mamma2E at 11:24 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • I think it is normal that you feel a little resentful that some other man is taking your dad's place. It may be due, in part, to the fact that your mom is still living in the same house, where your memories of your dad and of them together are the strongest. I would just try to focus on the fact that this is your mother's choice and that you really don't have the power to change what she has chosen to do. I would also try to love her for just being your mom. I think maybe that might lessen your pain. I would also tell my son to try to handle it in the same way. Just love her for her and accept that you don't have the power to make things different. This is what has worked for me in these kinds of situations.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:21 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • I don't think you are ever to old to feel like another person is trying to take over where the other parent is no longer able. You miss you dad, but you are happy to see you mother spend the remaining time she has happy. I kinda see where you are coming from. I don't see it as abnormal. But I think you and maybe your son can benifit from some counseling to help you work through this and help you understand why you feel this way. good luck.

    Answer by angelmine2011 at 11:23 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • I think that what you are feeling is absolutly normal, it doesnt sound to me like you are obsessing over it, but that you occasionaly have a very difficult time seeing someone else "taking over" in a place where you wish your dad still was. I cant imagine not feeling the way that you do, but you also make it clear that you are happy for your mom, and want the best for her. I think your son will get past it too, its just a difficult situation in general however great this man was, he is still not your dad, and thats what makes it hard. I say just keep doing what your are doing and supporting your mom, and just realize that how you feel is normal, and it doesnt mean anything negative about you.

    Answer by -LovingMamma- at 11:32 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • Oh my goodness of course it's normal to miss him, especially when you walk into that house and see someone else standing there where he used to be..ouch!...don't feel guilty over that. Intellect and emotions are two different things.Most of my emotions are about 10 yrs. old...tops!!You know this man is good for your Mom and you want the best for her. It doesn't mean you aren't allowed to miss your father or feel resentment towards this other man because he isn't him..there's a little girl in you that misses her Dad, no matter how old you are you'll always grieve for him.. My Mom is alone, she has been for years, it makes me really sad and I wish she had someone to love her, but I'm sure if she did, it would feel weird to me at times too.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:34 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • Im coming from a whole different place. My kids are just about grown and my dd worries about me being alone the rest of my life. I have been a single parent for 7 yrs. I have dated, but its been more social and I never brought anyone home. As I read this I understand how torn you are with your feelings. First, its ok to feel that way, acknoledge how you and your son feel, forget the guilt. Then, your mom is 80 yrs old and she found a companion that cares very deeply for her, what a gift. I dont ever want my kids to worry about me or my life after they become adults and move out, but I hope if I find someone, even if they arent thrilled about it, that they can accept it and see it makes me happy. No one can replace my childrens father,,,well, in their eyes,,lol Im divorced. But, its ok to move on with life. And, your dad would want that for your mom too.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:49 AM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • I would think its normal but try to concentrate on how happy your mom is.

    Answer by gulfcoastmom4 at 1:43 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • You're focusing on the wrong things, rather than feeling the wrong things...

    You're looking for your dad where he is not. He isn't the house and he isn't the stuff in the house --and he never was. He is now in your memories, and I have to say --you're not remembering him well. In fact, I'd say you've both rather set aside him and are busy obsessing about someone else completely. Rather insulting, yes?

    While your dad's place is now in your heart, you've moved him out to feel aggrieved about the fact that your mother is still alive and living, which has rather neatly taken her out of your heart, too.


    Answer by LindaClement at 11:12 AM on Dec. 2, 2010