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I need advice

My son told a special needs kid that he's a retard and gay, at school the other day. The thing is, we have a special needs son, and we don't use that word. I HATE that word! He knows that. I feel so horrible, as I know the kids mom does. The other thing is, my son, the one that did it, also has some special needs. Which, is absolutely no excuse. And there were kids sitting behind him in the class harassing him, bullying him. He was really pissed. The special needs kid got up to leave for his bus, and that's when my son said that to him. He was so mad at the time, he doesn't remember saying it. I believe that, I've been so made before that I don't remember what I've said. He got suspended, and goes to see his therapist on Monday. But I just don't know what punishment to hand out. I want him to write an apology letter. Any advice?

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:25 PM on Dec. 2, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • Please, know this. I do feel horrible. And my son is upset about it as well. He knows it would hurt us all if someone did this to his brother. He knows how it feels to be bullied. He lashed out, and regrets it. But he needs to be punished. I just don't know what to do. I feel so horrible, and cry when I think about it.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:27 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • I think therapy is a great idea. Ppl at any age usually tease when they are unhappy with themselves. He prob has self esteem issues that he needs to work on. Good luck!

    Answer by Steph319 at 4:29 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • talk to the kids parents face to face and be honest you sound sincre(sp) just explaine the best you can

    Answer by Dork4Fish at 4:29 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • As far as punishing goes just take away whats important to his tv/phone/video games. Have him do chores around the house too. If this behavior keeps up then maybe have him volunteer at a hospital or place with children that have special needs.

    Answer by Steph319 at 4:30 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • First of all I believe that writing a letter of apology is a great idea! It gives your son the responsibility of putting into writing his feelings and maybe truly reflecting on how he made the other child feel. I also have a friend who's son has aspurgers and he too becomes so angry at times that he lashes out and is not able to recall his actions afterwards. I would continue to have your son see the therapist and also let him know that even though you don't approve of his actions that you still love him very much. The other thing too is that he really didn't use any words that aren't being thrown around by any other child in his school or tv and that is unfortunate. I think we just have to let them know that these words are wrong and hurtful since even the media can't control themselves these days. Good luck!

    Answer by ditchen4 at 4:32 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • You say that he feels bad. He got suspended, that is his punishment. Now he writes an apology letter and he should hand deliver it to the kid. He has to own up to his behavior and going through the suspension and facing the person he did this to will teach him not to do it again.You also have him in therapy which will help him with his issues and/or anger and will help him not to lash out and control himself.

    Answer by sue118 at 4:32 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • I don't know if the assistant principal will set it up for us to meet. I can ask, that's a great idea. When my special needs son was attacked by another at school years ago, the school wouldn't let the kids mom talk with me. Afraid of what would happen I guess. I can try though.

    Taking things away is the normal punishment. That's what he came up with LOL! But, he suggested that we decide for how long the stuff is taken away for. We had told him if he did it, because he kept saying he didn't, that if he did, he wouldn't have Christmas presents. The assistant principal didn't like that idea. I don't either, but, this is a huge deal. However, he did it out of anger, misdirected anger though. If it had been toward a regular ed kid, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Except for 'retard'. I hate this. I just hate it.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:36 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • My son has ADHD with Aspbergers. Not really bad Aspergers, but the ADHD is kinda bad. He's on medication. Which may need to be changed. He sees his psychiatrist Monday too, after the therapist.
    His teachers all told the asst prin. that he's a great kid. So the suspension is only for a day. I just, need to stop feeling like it happened to MY kid, to my son. I'm putting myself in the other mom's shoes, and I shouldn't.

    Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:42 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • i really dont have any advice for you but i hope it all works out for you & your son good luck anon mom

    Answer by Ricanmami1 at 4:52 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • Well your son needs to apology to him in person....he said something horrible to that person in his face he should apology to him in his face. As a mother I would get with her and have a conversation about both of the kids spending a day together. But the mother needs to hear from you.

    Answer by mom42107 at 12:44 PM on Dec. 3, 2010

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