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I dont want my daughter to know shes adopted

My DH and I adopted our daughter when she was 1 mo 3 we. Her parents died in a car accident when she was 2 weeks old. The only family that was left was a 19yo sister, who really tried to adopt her but couldnt. A month after we adopted this girl showed up on my door step asking to be in her sisters life, it took so long because the courts wouldnt tell her who we were or where we live, she had to hire a private detective to find us. I let her be in her life, after all thats all the blood relative this girl has. now 2 years later she's still in our lives, shes a really good girl. She helped us buy clothes diapers, formula, etc. She comes to see her at least once a week and takes her if we ever need a babysitter. I consider her a part of the family, she doesnt drink, smoke, party. She has a good job and makes good money. Overall has her life in order and a good girl. I love her but I dont want my daughter to know shes adopted yet and I dont know how to talk to her about it.
how do I tell her that?


Asked by Anonymous at 6:45 PM on Dec. 2, 2010 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (25)
  • I think it is really unfair to your daughter to not tell her. She WILL find out at some point and resent you not telling her the truth. My brother and his wife went through the same feelings of not wanting their son to know he was adopted. They eventually ended up telling him.

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 6:52 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • Kids do find out eventually that they were adopted, and the sooner they know, the less deceived they generally feel. It sets a tone of dishonesty, and it can weigh on your and DH (and your daughter's sister) while you're hiding this. Wouldn't you rather she find out from you, and grow up with it not being a big deal, than find out later, and resent you for it?
    That said, YOU are her parents, and her sister sounds like she would be respectful of your wishes. Just be honest with her, and don't make it a huge deal. Good luck!

    Answer by musicpisces at 7:08 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • You do know that if your daughter is raised thinking her sister is her aunt or just a close family friend, she will resent it when she learns the truth. How does your daughter refer to this girl now? I understand your concerns but really, since the sister is pretty much a part of your family wouldn't it be better to acknowledge that relationship and allow the girls to do the same? Whether or not you tell her she's adopted, she will figure it out. Years ago I was part of an adoption rights group and it was uncanny how many, who had never recieved the slightest hint that they were adopted, knew that they were. They all said they knew because they were like a round peg in a square hole...just didn't quite fit in some ways but rest assured they ALL loved their parents. You don't need to explain about adoption at this point but there's no reason not to allow these girl to acknowledge their sisterhood.

    Answer by meriana at 8:31 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • Family secretes have a way of coming out even if the bio sister says nothing.. I would think hard about this. If your DD finds out, how will she handle it? Will she feel betrayed by you and your DH? It could go either way.

    Answer by midnightmoma at 6:51 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • You are the parents and the decision is yours, if this girl is as great as you say then she will probably respect your wishes, however someday your daughter will find out that she is adopted and there is a chance that she will resent the fact that you hid it from her, in her mind she may see it as lying to her. Personally I think that they truth is always best, and you don't want her to find out in science class some day when they are learning about genetics and figure it out on her own.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:54 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • You might want to tell the sister what you want to do and tell her not to say anything. Instead of her being sister maybe she will be called aunt.

    Your DD will find out eventually she is adopted. Your know that right?


    Answer by louise2 at 6:59 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • It will come out eventually just like i know the son that was taken from me already knows he was adopted because we are black and the family that adopted him are white

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:18 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • Don't lie to your daughter. She will find out. It will be much better if she's always known, rather than find out later, especially if it's from someone else. She would really be hurt. What is your reason for not telling her? Do you think she will love you less?

    Answer by SweetLuci at 7:48 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • You will need to tell her the truth, esp. since her sister is in her life.

    Answer by tasches at 7:49 PM on Dec. 2, 2010

  • I really think it's horrible to raise a child and not tell her she's adopted. She will resent you for it someday. If my mom did that to me I would cut her out of my life and never trust her again.

    Answer by spamica at 8:02 PM on Dec. 2, 2010