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How to rekindle MY interest? SERIOUS. Not your average question. adult content

I've only been married for two years. We had our baby before we got married, although we already had the wedding planned and booked before I even got pregnant - I have PCOS so I thought it would take a lot longer to get pregnant. Anyway so we did NOT get married because of having a baby, we were going to anyway.
I loved my husband a lot, he was always very sweet. Then when I got pregnant he was ecstatic and I stopped working because it was a high risk pregnancy. Then we had a baby to take care of, and he was under a lot more stress and started being angry all the time and it really wore me down. He got to where he wasn't affectionate at all anymore and we barely had sex. We went to counseling a few times but it didn't seem to do any good and then he switched employers and never found out the insurance information and whatnot for it.
So this past june I went to visit family for 5 weeks. It seemed to make him realize that we had problems we seriously need to fix. He's really been trying and doing a lot better with the anger issues and being more affectionate, but it's just not the same anymore on my end. I just don't feel like I love him anymore. He knows this, we talk about it. I don't know what to do. I care about him, I care what he thinks and feels. But my heart is really just not in it anymore. I don't feel the anticipation or excitement anymore. I don't feel butterflies when I see him. I'm happier when he's at work. He's not that one person that I just can't live without. He could leave and it wouldn't break my heart. He treats me well enough, and takes care of us. He's a good man, he doesn't hurt us, doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or stay out late. He goes to work and he comes home.
I appreciate that he's a good man, but it bothers me that I feel so distant. Most of the time I wonder if I'm even capable of loving at all anymore. I just feel empty, and I want there to be more. I want to make this work. I want to be in love with my husband and have a long happy marriage. But it's just not happening. Even when we have sex, it's good - but it's not like it used to be. It's not the hot and heavy make-out and foreplay sessions that left me panting in desire.
It's not like he doesn't try, because he does. Right now, it's all me. I don't know what to do to make myself FEEL again. How do I rekindle my own interest in my husband? Can anyone help me?

 
FluffyMamaBunny

Asked by FluffyMamaBunny at 12:41 AM on Dec. 3, 2010 in Relationships

Level 19 (6,861 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • First I want to say I've been where you are. I also agree that you are suffering from depression and that you can get a diagnosis in one visit, I did. In my situation, I decided that I was going to stay and work on my marriage. I started by looking at pictures from our early days, and tried really hard to remember and feel what I felt then. And as I've quoted before, A man and wife are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. When asked the secret to staying married so long he stated "we never fell out of love at the same time". I can't say it any better, the fact that you want to try is proof to me you can work through this. Please see a doctor about the depression.
    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 6:07 PM on Dec. 4, 2010

  • I agree with AshleyBishop06, it sounds like you are depressed & probably do need some personal outlets as well as couple outlets.

    All marriages go through ups & downs...even the best of them. Some of the best advice I ever heard was from a priest at a marriage encounter who said that there would be times when it was easy to love your spouse & times when you'd have to get up in the morning & make a decision to love. I've been married 22 yrs & I can tell you that's true. I'm madly in love with my husband, but there have been times during our marriage when I had to look at him & make a decision to love him. Marriage is a lot of work. There is so much day to day stress, chores, sometimes we lose the passion that brought us together, but it sounds to me like in your case there are no major underlying problems such as cheating, drugs or alcoholism, so this is probably something you can work through & find that passion again.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 1:06 AM on Dec. 3, 2010

  • No matter how passionate a relationship begins, the "bloom comes off the rose". No one stays madly in love with someone all the time except at the very beginning of the relationship. Hot, passionate love turns into a more mature love, still passionate but not so intense, I guess. Your husband sounds like a very good man. If you and he are both agreeable to it, try counseling again. The right counselor is the key. My DH and I have been married 23 years and there have been big ups and big downs, we have 3 kids but the bottom line is we have a strong, deep respect and love for one another. Nope, it sure isn't what it was when we started dating 26 years ago, but I also wouldn't go back to that time, either. You hang in there, look toward the future with your husband and your baby. I have been where you are. It'll get better.
    etown2reds

    Answer by etown2reds at 12:57 AM on Dec. 3, 2010

  • Work with your husband, try to find the things that made you fall in love in the first place. It's hard when you have a child and not a lot of money, but if you split up, you'll still have a child, and not a lot of money. It's worth the effort to work on this.

    Good Luck.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 1:08 AM on Dec. 3, 2010

  • My husband & I have been married 27 years and everything thats been posted is exactly what I would ssy. Communication is the most important thing in a marriage. It's so easy to quit and just give up. Believe me when I tell you that things WILL get better, and one day you two will be one! Divorce shouldn't be an option in your situation, sounds like you have a good man, the grass ISN'T greener on the other side..Good Luck! :)
    Kathy675

    Answer by Kathy675 at 1:09 AM on Dec. 3, 2010

  • Well I think u pretty much got your answer and I wish I have heard about this website 1 yr ago. I read your post, and I kid u not, I could of asked this exact question about a year in a half ago. I was suffering with a real bad case of post partum depression with mild panic/anxiety attacks. When we brought our daughter home 2 yrs ago Nov 5th,. we were fine. Then maybe a year give or take, I might as well been living with a roommate for all the desire I had for him. My DH is like yours, no drinking or anything. And it seems like u are letting yourself down and the baby if u ask for help or fel like u r weak if u go see a doc. U didn't say how old the baby is but if I guess right is she/he about 2 1/2 3 yrs olf now? My husband told me once when we had our baby, he was feeling so much stress. He was worried that he was gonna let us down, maybe find out he isn't going to be good enough provider or father. ---cont
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:21 AM on Dec. 3, 2010

  • For starters a lot of the symptoms that you are having sound like depression, so you may want to do a little research about that and consider making a dr. app. to be evaluated for depression-there are lots of options it doesn't necessarily mean that you need medication but you may benefit from it. Second are you still a stay at home mom? If yes, how often do you get out of the house for some "me time" or do you have other mommy friends that you hang out with ever? Third how often do you and your husband get out of the house together and have fun WITH one another? Being married takes a lot of constant work and up keep-kinda like growing a flower you can just stick in the corner and expect it to grow-it needs to be a priority. Him being a good person and you being a good person isn't enough if you don't take the time to nurture each other and the marriage
    AshleyBishop06

    Answer by AshleyBishop06 at 12:54 AM on Dec. 3, 2010

  • I think FIRST you NEED to find out your insurance information and get to counseling for DEPRESSION. I REALLY think you are suffering from a form of depression. THEN after you've started counseling you should BOTH go together again.

    I also think it would be a good idea for ya'll to get away for the weekend together. Take a vacation or hell a staycation...whatever you can afford. Really spend time on each other without baby.

    Marriages are HARD and depression does nothing for them. Get yourself fixed and then find your way back into your relationship!

    GOOD LUCK HONEY!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:30 AM on Dec. 3, 2010

  • You can get FREE couseling from Friend of The Family, and many other charities.

    Call around to a few churches and Friends of the Family....ask around or google to find a FREE couseling center near you!

    Good luck to you.
    miasmommy21407

    Answer by miasmommy21407 at 1:33 AM on Dec. 3, 2010

  • And that scared the hell out of him and feeling pressured he was goinmg to fail. Did your DH tell u why he was being so different then what he was before the baby? Taking anti depressants don't have to be a long term thing. But since I am bipolar, my meds are a long term thing. Anyway, taking Paxil at a low dose will probably make a world of difference. I was on paxil, and it reeally helped, and the panic attacks were better. . As for the church, when they do free counseling, they do not bring religion into the mix. Since I was able to receive the meds I needed, they wouldn't cover the counseling. They told me go find a church that provides counseling. It helped me and they never brought religation into it.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:39 AM on Dec. 3, 2010

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