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2 Bumps

blended family/step daughter question

my stepdaughter lives with us now to go to colledge.She is 18.I came into the picture when she was 4.I love her dearly>But her father refuses to let her grow up.He refuses to make her do chores.He refuses to make her pay financially for some of her needs.She pays no rent, no food, ect.We gave her our old car and paid her insurane.
she works parttime.I want her to be independant and able to take care of her self one day.He just says "Let me take care of my little girl.Will you"I tell him she is not a little girl anymore and he gets mad at me.what am I supposed to do?

She is attending colledge.And acts grown up when it benefits her.Acts helpless when it beneifts her too.

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evelynwest

Asked by evelynwest at 9:07 PM on Dec. 4, 2010 in Relationships

Level 16 (2,667 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • She is only 18. Is she going to college? If so she is going to need support for at least 4 more years. She should do some chores, and definitely chip in to her car insurance, but paying rent? That is going a bit too far I think. It is hard to tell the dad what to do though. My stepson who lives with is is 17 and I don't have much say in how things go with him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:13 PM on Dec. 4, 2010

  • She is going to colledge.She is afraid to drive so he drives her around.and won't sell the car.Because it is hers.
    evelynwest

    Comment by evelynwest (original poster) at 9:15 PM on Dec. 4, 2010

  • Sorry to hear this. I wonder what is motivating your husband to enable her to be dependent on him? How does he get along with his ex wife? Maybe he is is trying to buy or win his daughter's love. Unfortunately he is not teaching her how to be independent and self-sufficient. It's nice that she is attending college, but I attended full time taking 18 credit per semester and working almost 34 hrs. a week. I had to pay for my car, car insurance, clothes, etc. Maybe try sitting down and talking to your husband. If you strongly disagree let him know...although he will probably end up doing what he wants to .Good luck.
    twinkletoes0408

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 9:15 PM on Dec. 4, 2010

  • You mentioned she is afraid to drive. Driving phobia? Any bad accidents in the past? She sounds too dependent on him and he is enabling her to stay dependent.
    twinkletoes0408

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 9:16 PM on Dec. 4, 2010

  • My SD turned 18 last year, went away to college this summer. She is pretty independent, so I had to have a similar, yet slightly different talk with my DH. I had to convince him to let her go - That she will either "sink or swim" - and she did...she swam. She figured out how to take care of herself (mostly) and we're very proud. It just took a couple of months for her to show him he could relax and trust she'll be okay.
    texassahm

    Answer by texassahm at 9:19 PM on Dec. 4, 2010

  • As long as she is in school and doing well I don't think she should have to pay rent. She should have to keep he room clean and contribute to the house by doing dishes, help cook dinner, do laundry ect. As far as dad taking care of his "lil girl" if you have the means I don't think it's a problem. Is there underlying issues here?
    xbabygirlz

    Answer by xbabygirlz at 9:22 PM on Dec. 4, 2010

  • That's the main reason I left my daughter's father in San Diego and moved her to Oregon when she was 1 year old. We each had a daughter who was 15 at the time-and it was sickening to see how he was grooming her to be dependent on him. I swore that he would never have that opportunity with my daughter; and he hasn't! His daughter would walk into the room and say Daddy;what time is it? and could you tie my shoes? There was a digital clock right there for pete's sake! He finally moved up here to live with us(in his own room) when my daughter was 14-and I have nipped every attempt he has made to make her helpless without him! His oldest daughter is now 31; still doesn't know how to tie her own shoes-and daddy is still paying her rent! Not my kid!
    MamaAlice54

    Answer by MamaAlice54 at 9:26 PM on Dec. 4, 2010

  • Honestly, Going to Collage & Working a part-time job is showing that she is becoming Independent- I paid all of my daughter's bills for 4 Years while she was in collage- and she has become the Most Independent Little Lady i know:) Cut her a Break; she really is not ready to take on all the steps of Adulthood Yet............. Sorry!

    daisyb

    Answer by daisyb at 9:29 PM on Dec. 4, 2010

  • It sounds like he is trying to make up for some lost time spent w/ her while she was growing up. For a man & a father, it is giving him a purpose & a sense of worth to be in a position to help his "little girl." She may be growing up, but she will always be daddy's little girl. I'm married & a mom of 3, and I'm still my daddy's little girl. :) I wouldn't try to interfere too much, except for assigning her some chores. In the blink of an eye, she'll be graduating & moving on. I think you guys can find a way to work it out for the time being.
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 9:32 PM on Dec. 4, 2010

  • Sounds to me like he is just being a good father. She is 18, not 30. And to people saying they had it worse and survived, I am sure at the time you would have loved the same kind of support. Sounds like maybe you have a touch of jealously regarding your stepdaughter. You are only going to push your husband away by pushing the issue. Be glad she is in college doing something with her life. She will be "out of your hair" soon enough. Poor kid.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:16 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

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