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2 Bumps

feeling trapped in a bad marriage...need advice

Ok, I'm just gonna spill all this...here goes. I'm 31 and on disability due to a lung disease. I have 2 kids one almost 8 and 1 almost 2. I also have a husband who I used to think hung the moon and now I think has become one of those guys I would warn my daughter to stay away from.
It's not that I'm out to trash him, he has good qualities, we just can't get along anymore. He is constantly telling me how lazy and useless I am, and I'm constantly telling him how loud, inappropriate and disrespectful he is. We do more fighting than anything else and in front of our kids at that. Our son is too little to understand, but our daughter hears about divorce every week or so anymore. I feel so bad for her. It's like torture. She doesn't even bother to get upset and cry anymore, but I know she's being negatively affected. She's got some issues already with anger.
Our financial life is a complete wreck. He controls all the money. I have no idea what bills are paid, or not. We're already in bankruptcy, and we need to refile because we have a ton more stuff to be added which will cost almost $900 more. His paychecks are garnished every week for this. He drives an SUV that needs a ton of repairs, and my SUV has been broken down for over a year.
We're completely destroying each other and our kids and I want out...I know he does too. I just don't know how we can possibly manage to afford to be apart. I don't want to be with him, but he's the father of my kids, I don't want to see him out in the street. He has no relationship with his family. I don't know where he would even go to live. And there's more than rent that would have to be paid.
What can we do? I've never felt so stuck?!

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:10 AM on Dec. 5, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • A radical suggestion I realize, but how about agreeing not to fight in front of the kids, for starters, and to work together to fix things so that you can eventually be apart?
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 9:13 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • Do you have enough room in the home to have separate bedrooms? My ex and I did that and it was amazing how much pressure that took off of us. We got along great. We eventually got a divorce but still lived together and as long as we didn't bring someone else home we got along great. I finally saved up and moved out but it made it much better between us and for the kids just having our own space to go to.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:46 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • This IS VERY TOUGH... I too had a horrible marriage... But,---we didn't have financial troubles... My suggestion---take things one step at a time... First,---REALLY assess your situation... Realize what is thenumber one most important thing to do NOW... And,---go from there... I would perhaps try marriage counciling ( from your church, even maybe... )... And,---also financial counciling... If you are on disability you may be able to get it free. There are lots of books in libraries about managing your money problems. GOOD LUCK.
    IndigoRose

    Answer by IndigoRose at 9:43 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • First of all, until you can figure out the details of how you will stay together or how long you will stay together until you can work out your separation, you need to table your disagreements until the kids are in bed. I know that's easier said than done sometimes, but it's crucial that you do it for the kids' sakes. Financial strain can be toxic to a marriage if you dont work on it together. He shouldn't be blaming you for your disability & inability to work. Counseling, both for your marriage & the children & even for financial advice may get you on track. Good luck to you all.
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 9:45 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • You might be stuck. Is there anyway to work on the relationship?
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 9:15 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • I don't think you are stuck. You need to get out. If you search, you can find a place to help you find the resources you need to move on with your life......... Your daughter is seeing all this. You do not want to wake up someday and see that she has married a man just like her father. Good Luck!!
    eluc

    Answer by eluc at 9:59 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • I am in ur postion. Trust me it's more than likely the finances that are the cause of all your dissagreements. You have to come to accept responsibility in the debt did you two make some of the decisions together? If so it's just as much your fault as it is his. I'm not saying he should put the blame on you because you can not work but the worst thing you can do is discuss it around the kids. I do think you should try to stick around and help him get thru this especially if you made the decisions together. Have you tried debt counciling? It worked wonder for dh we even found out he don't understand financces at all and he had to leave it up to me in the end. At first I too was blaming him for all our financial issues but I realized I agreed to some of it not all of it but some of it so I needed to quit placing the blame on just him and take some of the responsibility myself..
    A
    chica679

    Answer by chica679 at 10:10 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • you guys probablly got in this situation together now you need to figure it out together
    chica679

    Answer by chica679 at 10:11 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • i think the first thing you need to do is stop blame each other for your money issues (that causes a lot of stress) and sit down with a 3rd party and figure out a solution. the second thing you need to do is figure out if your both ready to leave the relationship? then both of you need to move on to housing that you can afford, ( a single guy only needs a one bedroom appt) and if he makes all the money then with your disablity you should be able to get assistance from SSI......
    cara124

    Answer by cara124 at 10:33 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • group hugYou can work it out with him. I am sure if it came down to it that he would be there for not only you but the kids as well. Keep the faith sister.

    sexyfancyface

    Answer by sexyfancyface at 1:09 PM on Dec. 5, 2010

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