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My daughter has severe behavioral issues..her doctor doesn't want her on meds and I've tried reading material with no luck. What else can I do?

I recently started seeing someone. I don't believe this to be the problem, since she's always had some sort of issue, even when there was no one in my life. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything. She screams at me, in my face most times. She is so good at school, her teacher has told me many times. She doesn't act out for her dad. It's just me. I sometimes thinks she hates me. She has me in tears right now. I am so lost, I don't know what to do. Her doctor doesn't think she needs meds, but she needs something to calm her down. My boyfriend is thinking of leaving me because of her whining and defiant ways.

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badseed

Asked by badseed at 9:49 AM on Dec. 5, 2010 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 3 (16 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • So your 5-8 y/o dau is being disrespectful toward you- right? What are her consequences when she acts this way? What are her rewards when she is caught being good? How long ago was your divorce? How long after that did you introduce this new guy? (BTW- if he can't handle a little whining & misbehavior now, let him go- the teen years are around the corner- & you'll need someone w/ a backbone & strong stomach! -LOL) If she can behave for everyone else, she probably doesn't need the meds- but perhaps some family counseling would help. Good luck (*ps - at this time of year- it cant hurt to remind her that Santa is watching! :)
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 9:54 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • Kudos to your doctor in my opinion! Most doctors are so quick to dope kids up to change them. Some kids are just harder than others to handle and it's just up to you to figure out HOW to handle it. Are you still on good terms with her father? I would have a talk with him about his parenting styles and try to find out what you are doing that is so different from him. Remember the more you get frustrated the more they feed off of that so try to stay calm when your dealing with her. I am going through the same thing right now with my 4 year old but she is slowly getting better every day.
    Ctink8189

    Answer by Ctink8189 at 9:54 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • She doesn't need meds. If she's good at school, as you say, then her behavior is situational. She can control it. She is choosing to act this way towards you and choosing to behave correctly at school.
    Really? If he leaves, she may get exactly what she wants. It's possible she's acting out because she wants mommy all to herself. Regardless of the reason why, what is her punishment when she behaves disrespectfully? What are the consequences? What are the household rules regarding behavior and how are they enforced? This is a chosen behavior, that she chooses only when in her home environment - so the home environment is what needs to be addressed.
    Gaccck

    Answer by Gaccck at 9:58 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • She gets her toys taken away. She sits in a corner...sometimes. I do agree with my doctor to an extent.
    Her dad and I divorced about 5 and half years ago. He met someone in Feb of 2008. They were married in Nov of 2008 and were expecting a child already. I just can't figure out why it's okay for her dad to be involved/married and I can't be happy. I was single for more than two years. I don't think this has much to do with dating someone, as she has had issues since the divorce. I can't get through to her. She apologizes and says she'll act better, but never does. She's young, but she should also know that her actions are unacceptable. I do remind her that Santa is coming, and I keep taking the fun things away. Nothing changes.
    badseed

    Comment by badseed (original poster) at 10:05 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • I'm a nurse and I've seen the great effects that meds can do for children like her. I think she really knows how to work the system..she's a smart cookie. But she will not listen. She throws fits about everything. My boyfriend can't even give me a hug without her trying to push him away from me. It's very irritating.
    badseed

    Comment by badseed (original poster) at 10:07 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • you say to her "when you speak nicely to me we can talk" and walk away....if she continues yelling you say it again...show no emotion, show no frustration, just keep repeating it. same thing for every behaviour...."when you speak nicely to me, you can have the snack you are wanting" or whatever...unless you've initially already said no.....

    you just can't let her see you ever get frustrated or broken down because she knows she is winning....if you need to get her to do something, you tell her for example "you need to make your bed before you eat breakfast." you tell her once and then again if she asks for breakfast or something to eat...no harping, no nagging......whenever she makes her bed, then give her the breakfast...if she doesn't make it until noon, she eats breakfast at noon.....these are natural consequences...its not you taking anything away or becoming mean, etc....eventually she'll take you seriously.....
    FXmomTo3

    Answer by FXmomTo3 at 10:07 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • choices are another good tactic....you can wear the red pajamas or the blue ones....this is giving her some control over what she does.....in no way are you giving her a choice whether or not to put her pajamas on...but rather what colour of pajamas she will wear.

    for every fit she throws, you show no emotion, no raising your voice...just keep repeating the same thing over and over again. she will get nowhere with you !!!!!! Not that I think there is anything wrong with you hugging your boyfriend in front of her, but until you have this stuff under control, why not save the hugs for a time when she is not in your presence....when everything else is under control start re-introducing the hugs and react in the same manner....
    FXmomTo3

    Answer by FXmomTo3 at 10:10 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • you need to have her sit down with someone and let it out when my parents got divorced i blamed my mom and had issues with her dating other men she blames you because you are there it sounds like she just should talk to someone get yourself and the father together and your bf and sit down with her and talk it out. the issue will come out let her explain how she see's it and work from there.GL Momma
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 10:16 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • Thank you, all, for your comments. I got some real good advice. You guys are great!!!
    badseed

    Comment by badseed (original poster) at 10:25 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

  • Love and Logic, read it and do it. You'll be forever changed.
    Malapertinent

    Answer by Malapertinent at 11:16 AM on Dec. 5, 2010

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