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2 Bumps

Tender Situation

My son's biological father(J) is wanting to be apart of his life and I am totally okay with that, I want him to be. However, (here is the sticky part)..When I found out I was pregnant w/him I had just left Braden's biological father b/c of his illegal lifestyle & got back w/my on again/off again B/F(tony) who was more than willing to look past Braden not being his child and treating him as his own, so I let him. Braden has Tony's last name and is very much a part of his family now. We had a girl together and were a "Happy Family" Braden adores his daddy(Tony) & Braden has Tony's heart he IS his son. My ? is should I complicate things even more by bringing Braden's real Dad into the picture when Braden is so happy with the way things are now? Tony & I are no longer together after 6yrs but still friends and we both see both kids everyday & are civil. I don't want to crush Tony's world by letting Braden meet his real dad but sooner or later Braden is gonna wonder why he is darker than Mommy,Daddy, & Sissy. What should I do?! (J) wants to see his boy & he has that right but I don't want to hurt Tony or confuse Braden b/c to me Tony is Braden's Daddy no matter what DNA proves. Plz Help Ladies Plz!! I'm stuck... )': I don't want my baby boy to be anymore confused than he already is with the whole break-up he just went through with his Dad(Tony) & I...

 
ashnbra1

Asked by ashnbra1 at 1:47 AM on Dec. 6, 2010 in Adoption

Level 4 (34 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • If you and Tony were still together, I would understand your concerns better. But, even then, your son deserves the chance to know his biological dad. However Tony handles it is up to him. All you are responsible for is handling this in the most considerate and tactful way possible.

    Children can handle the concept of multiple parents, it's generally the parents who have a harder time. Plenty of children in open adoptions understand who their birth mom is and are not confused at all. I think it is a very bad idea to introduce the your child's biological father as an old friend, and then tell him later you lied about who he really was.

    Tell your son now and let him decide how much of a dad he wants him to be. It is your son's decision who he considers his dad, not yours. Go slow with things and let things develop naturally.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 9:46 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • This is tough. Does J still have a lifestyle where he is participating in illegal activities? If so, it would be an automatic "no". If he has cleaned up his act, I would consider it, but would consult with Tony first. Is Tony willing to adopt Brayden? If so, I would cease contact with J, and go on as you have been living your life.

    BTW, I looked at your profile, and your son isn't that much darker than you, at least in the pic on your profile. If you don't want him to know, he doesn't have to.
    twin_mommy

    Answer by twin_mommy at 1:56 AM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • I would suggest seeking a social worker or counselors opinion on this one.. have them evaluate your child, to see if he could handle something like this.. if its not a question that he cannot then I would not do it.. but if he is a strong kid and curious I would let him with strict rules
    IDwahm4mykids

    Answer by IDwahm4mykids at 2:03 AM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • He has a right to know who is father is, and his father has a right to know him. Why would there be any issue from anyone else? I just don't understand. I mean, would you really withold your son from his bio dad just beause you don't want to hurt Tony's feelings? That is ridiculous.
    kgsharber

    Answer by kgsharber at 2:04 AM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • Okay, I think you have to look at the age of your son. My oldest has a different father then my other 2 children. Actually his BIOFather left when I was pregnant. My husband came into my life while I was pregnant and he adopted my son, when he was 2. We have a wonderful family life, although my Ex's mother is still in the picture. When my son was 10 he started asking questions so I told him the truth. He knows who is BIOFather is and while he is comfortable with him he doesn't want to hang out and spend time with him. If it were me I would let his Biofather meet him, although I woudl not tell him who he is right away. Your son may decide that while he is his BIOFather he is not his dad and he may not want anything to do with him right now. So I would not rock the boat at the moment. I don't think there is anyting wrong with telling your son I think you just need to be careful about it, you don't want to hurt him.
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 2:38 AM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • not sure but I gave you a bump!
    Sheraymonet

    Answer by Sheraymonet at 3:01 AM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • How old is your son? You can always wait until he is older and able to understand what is going on. Is Tony on the birth certificate for your son or has he adopted him? Because if so, then J has no claim unless he goes through legal processes. Or even if J is not on the birth certificate, he has no legal claim until paternity is established. Was J there for your son financially and emotionally? Doesn't sound like it. You should go with your heart. There is plenty of time for your son to find out these things when he is older.
    Shanna84

    Answer by Shanna84 at 11:37 AM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • Have you talked to Tony and let him know what is going on?

    Afterall if he is the boy's"Daddy" then he should be apart of making this decision.

    Do J still have a bad lifestyle?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:06 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • It depends on how old your son is and if J is still living an illegal/dangerous lifestyle. Explaining that his father is not his father is hard on any kid, even more so if they are really young. If J is no longer has a bad lifestyle, I would talk to both J and Tony. Possibly let J see him and get to know him, but have him be introduced as " an old friend of mom's" or some such thing. See how things go and then move forward from there. That would give you and them and your son a chance to "test the waters" so to speak. You can always explain more to your son as he gets older. Of course, that would only work if J goes along with it.
    Tawneekitn

    Answer by Tawneekitn at 6:25 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • I agree that your child will need to be told the truth. As far as contact with his bio father, the deciding factor for me would be whether or not he has straightened up.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:12 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

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