Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

This is for black women only...

I had a discussion with my husband just now about the relationship between black men and women. He said that he's read that black women need to lower their standards. That, if they have a degree, they should be satisfied to married someone not at their level (meaning lower) in order to get married. That, they are just angry black women trying to find a man with money to take care of them in the standard that the woman wants and ... get this... not deserve. In other words, what is she bringing to the table. I told him that we, as black women, need to step out of the box and marry outside our race if a black man doesn't want to at least get an AA degree and or work. There are a lot of good black men out there...I have you but too many sisters are single and holding out for someone to help support, as well as have a relationship with. He says we have to stop acting like white women and just settle. I told him that white women don't settle and told him the story about my roommate in college. She told her mom that if she can't have a prominent white man, she is going about the most prominent black man and that she will get him before her black female friends. Her mom laughed...I didn't. I remembered this because that was the year OJ left his black wife to marry Nicole. I told him wealthy black men always marry outside their race and still you have more black women remaining with black men...who have less money. Now, they want different, not saying better, just different...on their level or above. Hate to put it like this but marriage and finances do go together. I told him that had he NO JOB or college degree (he has an AA and I have a BA), I would not have married him. So, my question is, what's wrong with us being picky?

Answer Question

Asked by ladylovemm at 3:52 PM on Dec. 6, 2010 in Relationships

Level 10 (411 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I think every women, black or white, should stop trying to rely on a man to support them and do it themselves.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:54 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • Note: Most women who think that way are single.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:55 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • EXACTLY what anon said... most women who think that way are single. I agree that its not a racial thing as well.

    Answer by bjojola at 3:56 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • I know you said for black women only but If you weren't then you just settled. I will not settle black or white money or no money makes no never mind to me but I prefer black.

    Answer by nwaskie at 4:03 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • I don't think it's such a racial problem. Maybe for that one person, they brought race into the picture. It's a generalizing. I think these kinds of stereotypes are not good. They don't benefit either side of the realm.

    I agree most women or men that picky find themselves alone or dissatisfied. I also don't blame ANY person for having standards, and if you have a degree, and want a person with a degree then go for it find love in someone with a degree. As long as you meet the same standards that you expect from someone else, as well as if you are open to the idea that romance may spark outside of your standards, and if it does give it a shot, you may be pleasantly surprised.

    I know I'm not black, answered anyway... sorry. : )


    Answer by Skepticchick at 4:06 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • I'm not black. So, I'm sure I will get a vote down. But, regardless of color...this seems shallow. From what you say, your husband's education and ability to make money are above love. In fact, you never even mentioned you loved him. Just that if he didn't have a job or degree you wouldn't have married him. WOW! I'm sure he's feeling "great" right about now. And, marriages & finances do NOT go together. They are 2 separate issues. Finances are a part of life together as a couple. But, one should not have anything to do with the other. Marriage is about loving each other through thick or thin, sickness or health, richer or poorer. There is nothing wrong with holding high standards. But, love itself should stand on its own.

    Answer by specialwingz at 4:06 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • I recently read an article talking about just this! I am not black, but I think you'd enjoy reading the article. Don't settle and don't be afraid to look outside your race, no matter what anyone says. Article Link.


    Answer by SabrinaBean at 4:07 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • its hard to find a man of any race that does what he needs to do all the time to take care of his family. i disagree that any woman should lower their standards just to be able to be married, ande yes finances do have alot to do with how you fall in love with a person....meaning if oyu are dating someone for a year and see them get theor power shut off 3 times and get so many eviction notices because the rent is late its going to make oyu think getting married would be a bad idea because oyu dont want to end up with a baby in a dark cold house or living on the streets. keep your standards high and you will find the right person for you and in your standards, if its important to you that he have a degree and be black then hold of till you FALL IN LOVE with a black man with a degree. dont settle for a black guy with a gas station job and dont settle for the white guy with the degree.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:41 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • I can understand being picky but some women take it to the extreme.Personally I don't understand why so many women are single.There are a lot of elgible men out there.Race should not be the main factor.Too many black women only want black men.But they do need to broaden their options.When I met my husband I was also dating an Officer and an E-8. But for me it wasn't about finances it was about who the person was as a whole & our chemistry.Long story short.I married the E-3.But after over 12 years I know I made the right decision.I think there are alot of good guys out there that have potential but some women can't get past he doesn't make 6 figures.Or he doesn't make as much as her.I believe a good woman can help that man achieve his dreams through encouragement & faith in his potential.Many women are single because instead of picking out the good qualities they focus on the bad.Any great woman can train any man.

    Answer by True_Gator_77 at 7:46 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

  • You are getting quite a few 'I'm not black', and I'm adding to it. I think your hubby is feeling a bit selfconscious, or like he's not good enough. Geez, I cannot think of the term, because you have a higher degree then he does. And, I think he's wrong. I think every woman has the right to have standards. Sure, some woman have unrealistic standards, but for one to want a man with a good degree, which means he's worked hard for it, and is more likely to make something of himself, what's wrong with wanting a man like that? A degree generally shows a person is serious about going somewhere in life.
    I'm wondering, how did he take what you said to him? I'd have liked to be a fly on your wall that day!
    You know, I had a neighbor, a black woman, that said ALL black men cheat. That it goes back to slave times, cause they would be taken from their wives, and would make new families. Does that make sense to any of you? Doesn't me.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 8:18 PM on Dec. 6, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.