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3 Bumps

How to deal with seperation from child for other parent visitation

Looking for some tips. I have never been seperated from my child and pretty soon we will be hammering out a visitation schedule for him. I have been his sole caretaker for his entire 2 years of life, and now daddy wants to step up and actually be a dad (we were not married). I know this is what is best so I am not really fighting it but I have a lot of worries but I am hoping that the other family that will be around will be helping out. I know i am going to take it hard, and I also am trying to get past a very revengful woman that he is seeing who will be in my childs life, I wish this didnt bother me but because she makes it known that she wants to play house with my kid, It really irks me. I just want to be able to deal with this. I know i would feel better if I could find a decent guy but I havnt met that man for me yet. Im also wondering what kind of guidelines you would set , as far as a overnight visit....can I have a say in where my child sleeps? I would find it reasonable that at least he has his own bed, because his father is staying with family and does not have a permanent address, I cannot really say he needs his own bedroom because there is not one. IDK help me out here! thanks

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CurvyMommato1

Asked by CurvyMommato1 at 1:22 AM on Dec. 7, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 2 (11 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • I cannot say what will necessarily be right for you and your child. My ex was living with his mom after we split up. She had custody of his sister's two boys so my son would sleep in his cousins' room when he went over, although I know all the boys ended up taking over their grandparents' room on several occasions. When my son was gone, I tried to stay busy. I would do homework and housework (two things I found it hard to juggle with him around), then I would make me time. I would sit down with a new book (and finish it!), I would rent a new movie (rated at least PG-13 and watch it without interruptions), I would take a nice hot bath and paint my toes, or I would go out with friends (shopping, dinner, anything I didn't normally do with my munchkin).
    PhantomsFairie

    Answer by PhantomsFairie at 1:59 AM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • i'll bump ya. i want to know this too.
    lambdarose

    Answer by lambdarose at 8:12 AM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • I can tell you that he HAS to have his own bed, there is no way around this. My ex and I when to mediation and he wanted overnights but didn't have room/couldn't afford a bed for her, he lived with his mother at the time. He thought that should would sleep with him , she was 2 at the time, or on the couch. The mediator told him that if she spends the night, she HAS to have her own bed to sleep in and while she doesn't have to have her own bedroom, she cannot share with an adult and it has to be an actual bedroom (not like the living room or something that they just put a bed in. As far as visitation, I asked for an adjustment period of 3 months where her only saw her for a few hours at a time (twice a week for about 6 hours each) I got it and the schedule worked out so well that we never went back to change it. As far as her playing house with your baby, I have never been through that as my ex is single and has been since
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 8:58 AM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • he cheated and walked out on me and my dd. My only advise is don't make it easy on them to be able to do that. She can't spend the night when you son is there, Also, make sure you are getting all the chid support you should be. Has he paid for the past 2 years? if not they can, at your request, go back through the past 2 years and order the amount that he should have been paying, and he will have to set up a payment schedule with you to pay all of that back. Bring your medical bills (or proof of how much you paid) while you were pregnant cause he has to pay half of that, and don't forget all of your son's medical bills because he owes half of that as well. Don't feel bad about asking for this money, it will help you better provide for you son since you did it alone for the past 2 years. When I did this, I got $6000. As far as how to deal with it, keep yourself doing things, I look at it like this, I don't like it and she
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 9:05 AM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • isn't cared for as well as I would care for her but I can't stop my ex from seeing her (he is a crappy "parent" and she hates going over there) so it's babysitting, crappy babysitting but it is free. I use this time to go do my own things (get my nails done, have lunch with friends, go out on a date with my fiance'. Then when she comes home, I have had a little fun "adult time" and I can focus on doing fun things with her. Try to get into that frame of mind. Also, as your ex doesn't have a permanent residence, I don't thing he can even get over night. I would offer every other sat and the opposite sun (just during the day, like 8 am til 4 pm) and then one day during the week for the same time. Start with just the weekend part and offer the day during the week while negotiating. Good Luck, you can msg me if you need anything. Sorry this was so long, I have been there and I guess I have a lot of support.
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 9:12 AM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • I understand how hard this will be for you. I was in the same position 2 years ago. A mediator that I spoke to very wisely asked me if I thought that my ideas were REALLY what was best for my son. She asked, "Do you think he will really be OK spending the night away from you at this point?" Because of that question, I was able to see that we would have to have something in place to ease into the separation - for my son's sake.

    I have tried hard to put my own feelings about being separated from him on the back burner, and focus only on what is truly in his best interests. It isn't easy though. Goof luck to you.
    FelipesMom

    Answer by FelipesMom at 9:57 AM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • well thank you for all the great advice! I have been trying to really think of it from my childs perspective when he is older and also the fact that he will have more fun going somewhere else on a regular schedule since there will be other children to play with on the other side, which is ultimately better than being with mommy every day, so hopefully i will be less stressed out getting a little break to catch up on things and he will grow up to be well adjusted. thats my thought process as of now and it makes it a little easier to deal with. having some wierd girl trying to play house though is something ona different level, but ill figure out how to deal with that internally...just kinda strange when u know a girl desperately wants a child with a man you have a child with...u wonder, will she take it out on the child or be really possessive herself?
    CurvyMommato1

    Comment by CurvyMommato1 (original poster) at 10:46 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • also to the person who posted about her experience with the bed and bedroom..I hope that is true in my state but so far everything I have ever been told about visitation has came out to be wrong and it seems that my state doesnt really care about those concerns, but i will have to see about the bed thing, bc i cant imagine that anybody would think its cool for a child to be chillin in a bed with a man and someone who isnt even married to him. hopefully this is not what my childs father would do but you never kno.
    CurvyMommato1

    Comment by CurvyMommato1 (original poster) at 10:48 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

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