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How do you feel about this?

I posted yesterday about my almost 4 year DD's father's girlfriend. My dd only goes over there a few hours a week (and he is always canceling) yet his girlfriend seems to think she has equal say with me on how my DD is raised. I dont' like the idea of spanking my DD, I use things like time out or taking things away (I'm not really against spanking, it just doesn't really work for her) my ex has always just done what I do since, in our county, we has to come up with rules and consiquesnes when we went to mediation that we both had to go by, this way the rules are the same in each house. Anyway, his girlfriend thinks that since she spanks her kid, they should spank at his house AND SHE THINKS SHE CAN SPANK MY BABY! I told her if she ever laid a hand on my baby, I would go to DCF so fast she would be in handcuffs before she knew what hit her. She thinks she can change the rules that me and my ex set up just because it's the way she wants them. She told my DD to call her "mommy sarah" to which my DD told her "no, your not my mommy, my mommy's nice and pretty and you are mean and ugly" My ex agrees that she shouldn't be called mommy anything, especialy since it's not my DD that is coming up with it but he said the "loves her" and "wants to make her happy" so while he will not encourage the mommy thing she will be punished for talking to his girlfriend like that. I don't allow my DD to be rude to adults or anyone else but if she is gonna be treated like that then the woman gets what she gets. I told her that her role in my DD's life is to support the rules that me and her father came up with and be kind to my child. She is not in a position of authority and has no right to punish my child because she breaks "rules" that niether me nor my ex agreed upon. She is not a parent (as they are not married, she is not a step parent either). The way I see it, she is just along for the ride, so to speak.

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:39 PM on Dec. 7, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Answers (9)
  • I agree with you. She is power tripping big time!

    Answer by usdragonflies at 8:41 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • And I want to be clear, I know there are some GREAT step moms, many who even raise step kids full time and in those cases, of course they should have some say but in the case where the child is only with the father a few hours a week, the step mother or SO is really in no position of authority over the child.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:46 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • I would have to put her in her place oh so quickly, and your husband needs to ensure that she keeps her hands off your child. Granted they should have some form of discipline in place so your daughter doesnt go over there and raise all kinds of hell (not saying she would) but if she knows they cant punish her shes going to take advantage!!! No one aside from myself and hubby is allowed to lay a finger on our kids.. if it gets to the point that they want to then they have to call us to come get em! Try other forms of discipline first!!!

    If shes getting to the point she doesnt want to listen tell your hubby its your way (the way you both decided on, or he can go to having supervised visits only!

    Answer by sweetstkissez22 at 8:51 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • Well, we were never married, I was 17 when I got preg, me and my ex were at a party with a bunch of friends and most the girls were drinking maragritas. I told him I didn't want to drink so he said he would make me few virgin ones ( I had really never drank and had never had a virgin margarita either which is why I didn't notice the tequila taste. Anyway, the next morning I realized that they NOT virgin mararita and I wasn't either anymore, so yeah, that's what happened with that. But he is allowed to put her in time out of course which is what I do. The only thing I do that he can't is take things away since all the things she brings over there, I buy, I don't think he has the right to take them away (he has nothing for her over at his place)

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:59 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • Whoa OP... After reading your last comment, it seems as though your ex is guilty of rape if he had sex with you under those circumstances. I'd certainly hope a judge would side with you if you decided to fight for supervised visitation. After all, if he sexually abused you... who knows what he is capable of? Even if you know in your heart that he'd never abuse your DD, you at least know that he doesn't make good decisions or good choices, so you should consider how dangerous that type of situation might be for your child. I'm sorry the SO is such a jerk. And your probably only getting a fraction of the story if its coming from a 3 1/2 year old who can't really tell you everything she's feeling/hearing. I wouldn't hesitate to go back in front of a judge if it were my DD. GL!

    Answer by kenzie07 at 9:32 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • If DD's father only has her for a few hours a week, why can't he take those hours away from his GF? Can't she use that time to go out with her own kid? Or maybe DD's father could take her out & do something special. I'm not saying that would work for every visit but maybe a few times of this would help. The GF needs to be told in no uncertain terms that your DD is not her child & she is not to use any form of physical punishment. I am a stepmom & I have my SS & SD full time but there are even times when I defer to their dad for discipline because I am not their "real" mom.

    Answer by SaraBeth1204 at 3:12 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • Take him to court. He is stupid.
    Tell him that he is choosing an abuser over his own daughter. MEN do not do that.

    Answer by squish at 1:33 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • so glad i havent dealt w/ this personally yet. but it will be a sore spot for sure if it ever happens!
    gf's come and go! if hasnt married her yet, then she may not be around for too much longer!

    Answer by menmy6 at 9:43 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • yeah i agree she should have know say in it, but i also dont think its fair if ur ex husband just leaves your daughter with her all day, it should be his responsibility to take care of her on his visits. because i've been the gf b4 and he left me with all 3 kids under five all the time all day, and it wasnt not easy.

    Answer by stephanie_k at 1:01 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

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