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To move or not to move...this is the question...can you please help me???

My dd is two, and we live in NY. So does her dad and his mother. Along with an uncle, that's all the family that's here in NY. MY family lives in California. My sister's kids are young. My bro has a teen daughter. I have tons of aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, etc. I recently retured from a 7 day trip to Cali with my dd, and she had a BLAST with my bro and sis's kids. She also met some of my aunts and one of my uncles, and some of my cousins. All in all, there are nearly 60-70 family members in Cali, and she has yet to meet them all!!

Realistically, there's no way I can make the trip to Cali more than once a year. My family isn't financially able to make the trip to NY.

I really want to move back to Cali so my dd can have the love and support of my family, but it would mean moving away from her dearly-loved father.

He says he is ok with us going, but I don't think he realizes what it'll mean for him to not be a part of our dd's life as much as he is now. HE couldn't make the trip to Cali more than twice a year.

He says that military families make it a priority for the kids to have a relationship with the deployed parent. So why can't we? There are web cams, email, snail mail, telephone calls, etc. He's willing to make a 100% effort to maintain a tight relationship with dd.


I can't help but feel that I'm wrong to separate them.

What do YOU think?

Background: my dd's father and I do not live together, and are on friendly terms with each other.


Asked by Anonymous at 9:27 PM on Dec. 7, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I would stay. Web Cam with the extended family and let her have a real relationship with her father.

    Answer by TaraK. at 9:45 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • Children need both parents nearby.

    Answer by hap2bmom at 9:52 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • If your daughter's father has already given the okay - what is really holding you back? Do you fear he will take the distance as an opportunity to separate himself from his child? that would be my fear. Do you have a job and house lined up for you and dd? Moves are scary, you have alot to consider. I wish you all the best in the decision making process. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

    Answer by mrsljamieson at 10:11 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • I think do what's ever best for you and your child. If you guys aren't together why should you stay where you have no family to help support you. I say go. Try it out for a while and if it gets to bad save up and move back.

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 9:29 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • I would stay right where you are. That relationship with her Father is much more important than any other relationships that she can have. Coming from a military family, the kids and Daddy have a very hard time connecting through any of the means that you mentioned. Adults can skype, email and talk on the phone and keep in contact, that in itself is hard on a developed relationship. Kids can communicate but they loose a strong connection that is developed through constant in person contact

    Answer by Melbornj at 9:35 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • Normally I would say "fuck the asshole and go to your family" but it doesn't seem at all like you have an asshole on your hands. Think about this, other than missing your family, do you get the backup support where you are now? Do you get the financial support you need where you are now? He sounds like a great dad and also a good friend to you. This is a real tough one honey. Either way, wait till after the holidays before you even bring it up. Good luck.

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 9:36 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • If he is a good Father and is a part of her life then stay put.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:36 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • Where does it say that a child needs both parents nearby? I always heard that a child needs a strong male figure in their lives. I'm not diminishing the role a father plays in the life of a child, but it's not like I'm moving to some remote village. I would be moving to be near my support system. There are many strong male figures in my family. And my dd would still have her father, but she would see him as often as she does now.

    I'm not trying to JUSTIFY a move, by the way. I could've moved months ago, but I want to look at all the angles, pros and cons before making such a huge decision. And I thank you all for your help!!

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:57 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • Whoops, meant to say that she wouldn't see him as often as she does now.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:58 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

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