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my 20 year old disrespects me constantly and my husband does not defend me.

my 20 year old son was the light of my life. He was so much fun and I adored everything he did. He was and still is so very funny. However, in the last few years he has become hateful to me. He talks so awfull! I try to come back at him but i just hate that he has so much venom towards me. My husband remains silent. It hurts me that my own husband acts like he doesn't want to rock the boat. When I tell my husband that his silence is reinforcement for my son's attitude towards me..he tells me that I push my son's buttons. Honestly, lately I've tried to avoid being around my son. If he comes into the room i leave for another room. I am terrified of a conflict. Its killing me. I just want to wrap my arms around my little boys neck and tell him how much I love him. My 17 year old daughter tells me that her brother has anger issues and she feels sorry for me. She gives me the strength to keep trying. help.

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giveuponhim

Asked by giveuponhim at 11:47 PM on Dec. 7, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • Thats horrible. In my opinion I think that if your son is living with you which it sounds to me like he is then I think you and your husband need to tell him that he is old enough to leave the house and be on his own since he has no respect for you. I also dont think that your husband should be telling you it is your fault for your sons attitude and anger toward you. Even if you do provoke him he is your son and he should respect you and your husband should stand by you in this situation and if he disagrees with the way you are handling things then he should only say that to you behind closed doors but only after telling your son that he needs to learn his place
    -Q-

    Answer by -Q- at 11:53 PM on Dec. 7, 2010

  • Apparently your son has picked some things up from his dad. His dad obviously doesn't respect you enough to stand up for you so it's evident where your son gets his lack of resppect for you. Perhaps if your son left your home and got his own place and lived his own life he would learn how to respect you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:11 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • Thank-you so much for the validation. Yes, he is at home. The university he attends is only 20 min. from our home. We were excited that he would be able to commute to the university and thus save us about 15k in tuition costs for housing. However, I now believe it would have been better for him to experience life on his own. My husband gets so angry when I say...I think he needs to move out. He reminds me, once he's gone..he's gone. He throws back at me, why would i want to rush it. It will happen before we know it.
    As I type this tears are streaming down my face. I just do not know how to rekindle what we had. Why does he seriously hate me? I think I might need to seek some consoling. I am beginning to resent my husbands lack of support or protection from his verbal abuse. I can go days and not see him. He works on campus and has a steady girlfriend. Right now I just steer clear, but its not how it should be.
    giveuponhim

    Comment by giveuponhim (original poster) at 12:15 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • i think you have to talk to your son heart to heart and ask him what is his problem...ask also y our hubby to help you coz he is the father...i think it is a matter of family issues that you have to solve and dont let him just disrespect you,your still his mOM..
    neng999

    Answer by neng999 at 2:11 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • Your husband is wrong...once they move out they aren't gone. They might not live at home but that doesn't mean they aren't a part of your family. My 24yo has been on his own since he was 19 and he lives about 2 blocks away. He comes over 1-2 times a week for supper annd 1-2 OTHER times a week to say hi. Our 23yo lives in another state but he calls almost daily and when he does finally move back (hoping for next year) I am sure we'll see a lot of him, he's lived away since '07 and it's been hard for him because he misses everyone here. My 20yo is in the Army and he calls 1-2 times a week and looks forward to when he CAN come home to visit. My 19yo is in college 1 1/2 hours away and every other weekend we drive to visit him and the others weekends he comes back here to stay for the weekend and he stays with us on school breaks. He also calls every night. So, it's not an end, it's a new beginning.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:26 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • I am so sorry for what you are going through, but disrespect does not happen over night, you should have stopped it from day one, and you would not be in this predicament.
    older

    Answer by older at 7:53 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • "Once he's gone, he's gone" Not true. But he is 20 years old, a college student, and living at home.
    If he is acting hateful - help him move out. He's wanting to be the adult he's grown into and living at home quite often makes it hard.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 8:33 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • First of all, I am very sorry you have to deal with this. Secondly, let me ask you a question...Does your husband ever, or has treated you in a disrespectful fashion in front of your son? If so, this could be a learned behavior that your son feels is acceptable. Now, if this is not the case, the late teens and early twenties is a very common time that psychological and or psychiatric disorders rear their ugly head. I'm talking about bipolar disorder, mood disorders and personality disorders. Is he using drugs? I would get your son into therapy if this continues to upset you. If he refuses and continues to disrespect, tell him to find a place to live. You must sit your husband down and ask him why he condones this behavior. It isn't fair to you. Good luck.
    twinkletoes0408

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 8:10 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • what your son is doing is called abuse and your hubby is not helping time to let him go ,
    dutchcanadain

    Answer by dutchcanadain at 8:22 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • This just irriates me! My mom is my best friend and I would never disrespect her. Your Husband needs to step in. and if he won't tell your son he is an adult, and you are NOT going to hold his hand through life. I know it is going to be hard, VERY hard, but tell him if he can not respect you and your house....there is the door. Remind him he will have to pay for EVERYTHING. There is no reason a child should ever disrespect his mother. I am a firm believer in "tough love".

    Conley639

    Answer by Conley639 at 3:42 PM on Dec. 9, 2010

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