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Future inlaws prefer first wife...

I am engaged to a man who I love more than anything ! I know he has made alot of mistakes - especially with his first wife.... but I do not think that should make a difference in the way I am treated !

He was married and has 2 kids with her.... I do not like her because I think she thinks she still has entitlement to my future inlaws ... and they obviously do not realize she is the past and i am the future...

Her and MIl still go shopping together, she still visits inlaws house with and without the kids, this past Thanksgiving I even had to make my hubby leave early because she had to show up and stay with the kids...

They were only married for 3 years ( divorced after she got pregnant with the second kid) ...and that was over 5 years ago...

Mother in law and father in law barely acknowledge me and I have been around for 7 months...

What would you do ?!?!?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:13 AM on Dec. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • Give it some time. 7 months isn't that long and they are probably in contact with her for the grand children and you can't fault them for that. GL


    Answer by zbee at 9:17 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • I think you need to find a way for you all to be together at the same time. My Ex and I have had to find a way to work through things. His mother still helps me and my DH out all the time. When the holidays come we stop at her house and it is me, my DH, our kids, which includes my oldest son, whose biofather is my EX, and my 2 children with my DH. My Ex and his family are there as well. I don't go shopping with my Ex MIL, although she does take my kids and babysits or us sometimes. I think it is more important to find a way to make this mixed family work instead of trying to take her place. You may be the future, but you are going to find that she is as well. You In-laws are going to want to see their grandkids and I think you have to understand that.

    If you want you can try and talk with them, although you can't get angry and tell them she needs to stop coming around because that will backfire on you. Good Luck!

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 9:22 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • I think you need to really think about whether or not you can live with this situation just as it is, because the truth is, that it is not likely to change. And there is nothing that you nor anyone else can do to make it change. These people like each other, and they have formed a bond. If you decide you can live with it, you will most likely find that you will be more warmly received. Even though you don't realize it, you are giving off negative vibes that all of them are picking up on. If you can't find a way to accept this, then I would advise not marrying into it.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:30 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • you have entered into a very difficult situation. try to hold off judging anyone this early into it. the ex has a relationship with the inlaws. the ex has a relationship with the kids, and the inlaws have a relationship with the kids. just because there is a divorce, it does not mean that those relationships dissolve. your so will always have a relationship with the mother of his children. try to like her, it might make things a whole lot easier for you in the future. if you can not like her, then be indifferent toward her. let your so deal with her.
    divorce is very hard on everyone, especially the children and they should come first. it seems wonderful that your future in laws want to include both of their grandchildren's parents and yo too.
    this is a very important time for the adults to be adults.
    you need to be the adult.
    i can't imagine how hard it must be to be a step parent.

    Answer by happy2bmom25 at 9:33 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • Just because you show up doesn't mean you automatically get accepted or that they have to break any prior ties. They can associate and disassociate with whomever they want and you MAKING your SO leave just because his ex showed up is immature. You should be grateful that they have a calm, mature, civil relationship. Me and my ex husband are best friends. He comes over for Holidays and he even moved in with my mother when his mom died. Maybe part of the problem that they don't like you is because they see how immature you are and again, if this is an issue for you, it's not going to go away because you get married so you may want to rethink that part if it bothers you so much.

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 9:40 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • "I do not like her because I think she thinks she still has entitlement to my future inlaws ... and they obviously do not realize she is the past and i am the future..."
    Just because you are marrying him it does not mean "out with the old, in with the new". They have only known you for 7 months so you are still a 'stranger' to them they have known her for years she is 'family' to them as she is the mother of their grandchildren. That means she is always going to have a place in their hearts and in their lives and your marriage is not going to change that. So you will have to deal with her being included in holidays, and her being a part of their lives. If you can't accept the fact she is and always will be a part of their family, then you may want to hold off on getting married.

    Answer by MizLee at 9:48 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • Your inlaws clearly loved her and have a relationship with her. She is the mother of their grandkids and will always be a part of their life. You need to get over it and find your place in the family. If they don't see you behaving as a jealous person might change for you. She might be his ex but she is still family and you need to accept that or move on.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:55 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • I would give them some time and let them get to know you. Maybe invite them to your home for dinner, so no worries of the ex being there. If it were my in-laws they would welcome anyone but me. But, you really don't want people like my in-laws in your life! The fact that they really do like the first wife shows that at least there is hope for you. Good luck!


    Answer by scout_mom at 9:56 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • I'm guessing they prefer her bc of the example you gave "making" him leave when she showed up. That was just silly. If you are bossing him around then I see why they'd prefer her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:59 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • I am the second wife and for a brief period I was like you and jealous of the first wife. She was so close to my inlaws and other relatives. My husband has a very good relationship with her as well they remained very good friends after the divorce. I had two choices to accept the ex was going to be a part of my life and learn to get along with her or be a bitter shrew who sabatoges a relationship with a great guy. I decided to accept the ex and I am so glad I did she is my best friend in the world. Very nice woman and we coparent the kids together. Her and her husband will be in our home for Christmas her parents are coming along with the inlaws. My inlaws said they are so impressed with me that a less strong women would have been threatened by the ex wife but I embraced her and made life easy for all.

    I think your doomed to fail unless you get over your attitude towards the ex. She isn't going anywhere.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:04 AM on Dec. 8, 2010

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