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6 Bumps

What can we do to help women avoid being abused and escape domestic violence?

I wasn't sure where to put this question. I've been thinking about this because we've talked about it in school, and a post I saw here on CM got me thinking about it again.

How can we as individuals help women to see the signs that a man may become abusive before they find themselves stuck in a bad situation? How can we help women who find themselves with an abusive partner? Does everyone know what resources there are in their communities to help women and children?

Does anyone here know someone who has lived this? Maybe some of you have been through this yourself. Please feel free to answer anonymously. What helped you to get out? If you're still stuck in the situation, what kind of support would help you to get to safety?

Answer Question
 
Iamgr8teful

Asked by Iamgr8teful at 10:01 PM on Dec. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Level 25 (23,279 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Unfortunately...it's like any addiction...you can't help them until they want to help themselves. They have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Most abused women are caught in a nasty cycle and as much as we want to just rip them away and save them, they will keep going back until they get to the point I mentioned above or until the abuser kills them.
    ShouldHaveLeft

    Answer by ShouldHaveLeft at 10:05 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • 1st sign any many who tells you he does not like your friends or family this is a tool to isolate second any mayn who tells you or trys to control where your time is spent. third anyone who hits you in the first couple months is trying to see how much you will let him get away with and slowly he will say sorry but eventually it will just be words. Last any man who tells you your worthless without him no amount of d@#$ is worth this and any man worth their salt would not try to change your way of life with control only enhance it
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 10:08 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • Unfortunately, no matter how much you educate many women still find themselves in these situations. I grew up in a home with a dad that was verbally abusive. He never got physical, at least not with the kids but he left his scars. I always figured I would be able to see the signs. Boy, was I wrong! I swore I would never let a man treat me like that but ended up marrying a man that was emotionally manipulative, verbally abusive and did get physically abusive once early in the marriage. Looking back I can see the signs clearly now but before I was simply blind to it. We are now in the process of getting divorced and I have found my way back to the right path, to the person I am supposed to be.

    KyliesMom5

    Answer by KyliesMom5 at 10:09 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • My sister was in an abusive relationship for 14 years. It's not an addiction. The abuser makes them feel like THEY are at fault, that they need to change. They also feel worthless and that no one else will want them because that is the line they have been fed for years. They honestly believe that their abuser is the only man that will want to put up with them. My sister finally got out when her ex literally picked her up and threw her out of the house and locked the door, leaving her two children inside. She called me, and I called the cops. I also took time off of my work to go with her to every court hearing. My husband and I supported her every step of the way.
    She is now happily remarried to a very great guy. She is finally happy and deserves to be, but it took her some time to get there.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 10:12 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • I wonder about women who live with the fear that a man will become violent, and children are involved. They may be thinking that it would be more devastating to the kids to split up the family, and if he hasn't actually hit any of them, they haven't yet reached the decision to leave.

    There is a shelter for abused women and their kids in my town, and its location is kept secret. A woman can call Catholic Social Services to ask for help, and they will get her to the right place. I think that most larger communities have something like that.
    Iamgr8teful

    Comment by Iamgr8teful (original poster) at 10:18 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • My boyfriend before my husband was starting to be very controlling. He said my friends were a bad influence and he didn't want me to see them. He insisted that I only buy a certain brand of milk and apple juice. He insisted that I stay up until the wee hours of the morning arguing, or it showed that I didn't care about our relationship. Once I broke up with him and he pinned me down and wouldn't let me up. I screamed, and some other guys came and lifted him off me and started smacking him around asking what was wrong with him. I was only with him about two years, but things escalated to the point that I was feeling that I wasn't safe. We split up and I've been with my (now) husband since shortly afterward (21 years now). Thank God I had no kids with that guy. He is out of my life.
    Iamgr8teful

    Comment by Iamgr8teful (original poster) at 10:21 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • My mother was involved with several very abusive men as I was growing up, the last broke both of her wrists disabling her for life.

    at the age of 21 I became involved in my very first serious relationship where I became pregnant and quickly became violent...having grown up in that I knew how horrible it was, but like others said in a way i believed it was my fault and I was terrified of being alone, with a child.......in the end the thing that helped me escaped is that it became very evident that my life was going to be taken at some point in time.

    After my ex shattered my windshield, with his fist and assaulted me, a friend of mine that i was able to talk with online(lived out of state) called the campus police for me(i had no phone and was hesitent to call myself) i filled the reports he was ordered to keep away. A year after that he finally stopped stalking me and I guess has either moved on, gotten locked up, or dead.
    tntmom1027

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 11:11 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • My point being that support, options and early education as children is the only thing that can be done to fight this. As well as harsher criminal punishments for even first time domestic offenders, both men and women.

    I'm now finishing my Criminology degree and looking forward to working towards enacting more public/school education programs as well as providing safety and alternatives for those in need.
    tntmom1027

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 11:12 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • I was in an abusive relationship for two years- with someone I had known for seven years before then. The physical abuse didn't start until we got married- and it didn't end until he tried to kill me on my 21st birthday, and I decided to finally testify once and for all. He's now in jail, across the country, for nine charges- all against me, and he'll be there for a good while. I have so much to say on this topic I wouldn't know where to begin. During and since then, I've done a plethora of research and even openly talked about my experience in order to help others. People are SOOOO quick to judge and come to their own conclusions, I was even like that- but you will NEVER know what it's like until you've lived it. The best thing people who are in the situation can do is talk to others who have survived, it's not until then that they see the reality. Also they need people to not give up on them-
    lexi8622

    Answer by lexi8622 at 11:13 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

  • (cont'd) - I lost friends and family members over my situation, but if it wasn't for my two bestest friends who were ALWAYS there for me, amidst the drama, and amidst me not listening to their advice time and time again, I would have never had the courage to leave. It's real sad and it breaks my heart when I see other girls in this situation, or who think verbal/emotional/psychological abuse isn't as bad. It's ALL bad. As far as what we can do- being aware of it is huge, and not being afraid to talk about it and give advice. There are many resources when you look for them. There's hotlines, shelters, groups, etc. Domestic abuse is a mind warp, and most women leave seven times before the last time (that's a legitimate statistic). Now I've mended the relationships with my family members, but that only began after I left him.
    lexi8622

    Answer by lexi8622 at 11:17 PM on Dec. 8, 2010

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