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Need some advice please...

We just found out my husband's grandma has dementia. She was previously diagnosed with Parkinson's. She is currently in a rehab care center that is mistreating her considerably. They have performed procedures that did not need to take place, they put her on a certain medication that inhibits her ability to get out of bed so she can't go to the bathroom. When my father in-law was at the rehab center visiting her, he called for a nurse several times to help grandma use the restroom and no one came so she ended up staying in her own filth for a whole day. My DH family is deliberating amongst themselves as to whether or not to take her into their home or just let her be transferred to Hospice. I told DH that if it were my mom she would be staying with us no matter what, he agreed. I also said that if his family believes she is being mistreated that should be enough of a decision making factor in itself. We found out that before medicare and/or medicaid take over, her funds have to be completely exhausted before they will help.

Basically what I am concerned about is how do I take care of my Husband and his family without seeming intrusive or overbearing? I love my husband with all of my heart and it pains me to know he is going through such a difficult time. When my father passed away two years ago I had my mom and my best friend, but right now I am worried about how he is going to handle this... I realize every person handles grief differently but I fear he won't know how to come to me when he needs me. I have no experience in this...

This might sound like a silly question but I really want to be there for DH and I don't want to smother him... What should I do? (I guess this is a relationship related question..?)


Asked by FirstTimeMom224 at 12:56 AM on Dec. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Level 11 (551 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • bow downSounds like your both going through a difficult time hun. I am so sorry this happening to your family. That is the one thing I would like to point out to you. His family is your family. Share when you want. Never mind worry, regrets or being what you think others will think. You are there and that counts. You can never plan on what you will say to your husband or do. Stand beside him and think about the vows you exchanged once and use them. You will be alright just feel what you feel.


    Answer by rosetoes at 2:07 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I would let him know that you are there for him if he needs you. Always be ready to jump when he comes to you cause if he thinks or feels like you are not listening or care he wont do it again.

    Answer by ready4baby2011 at 12:59 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I really think that this is a situation that you need to step back from, in terms of decision making. His family needs to decide on their own what to do with Grandma.

    However, if you feel like grandma can come live with you, then you have a discussion with your husband and make sure the communication is simple and clear for him right now. Let him be the spokesperson to his family, on your behalf. Let him know that you are looking for ways to help him out, or help his family out. And let him know that you are open to him for anything he needs at this difficult time. I think that would be the best way to handle it. AND the hardest might have to take a step back and you might have to accept it if he doesn't ask for any help or support on this matter. Smothering would happen only if you really heavily involve yourself without the invitation I believe.

    Answer by spottedpony at 1:02 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • Just let your husband know that you are there for him and support him but at the same time give him so space to sort out his feelings if he needs you I'm sure he will let you know!

    Answer by Darla47 at 1:02 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • These ladies have hit it on the head... let him know that you are open & willing to talk to him about any decisions or thoughts. When & if he comes to you (& he may not-some men just won't) listen to him. Offer your opinion if he asks, but do try not to push. You're doing well not to just jump in, with emotions running high anyway! I do hope you find a better situation for his grandmother... I'm a nursing student, & if it is as bad as you say, that's not only disgraceful to the facility but inhumane as well.

    Answer by KA91 at 1:33 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I would get a lawyer and sue them and I would find a better nursing home to put her in! This one is going to kill her!

    Answer by Darla47 at 1:00 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • ok tell him u would like to have her in ur home they have at home nurses and they are so much better they r cheaper and if u dnt like them just call and they will send u another tht how my great grandmother was we didnt like her in the care place so we took her out and had a at home nurse and a care taker in a since come and help my mom did the care taking prt cuz she was wrking with the company at the time so we had a bonus but in all we were all relieved and felt better after she was out i think it would help alot for your case also hope ur willing to try it :)

    Answer by brezze at 1:01 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • Call adult protective services then a lawyer and sue the shit outta that place

    Answer by lonemom1987 at 2:39 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I think the only thing you can do is let him know that you are there for him. And I agree with PP

    Answer by LiLJeni at 2:24 PM on Dec. 9, 2010