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How to become the leader of my house

I am married to a very passive man. I'm realizing he is way more of a follower than a leader and I am now forced to take over the reins. The problem is, he is also very stubborn and I must learn from any of you out there, how to deal with a stubborn man when trying to take the lead in the household. I feel I owe it to our children to be a strong leader and I want to make this change as soon as possible since our kids are still quite young and while I can still make a difference.

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:04 AM on Dec. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • I don't think it's a matter of assuming a certain position. Like Position 1...Leader Position 2...Home Maker Position 3. Kid
    It's a matter of finding what fits for you. There are different couples.

    Some need a leader, but some, like mine, it's whoever feels they best fit the task. For instance, I do the bills, I am better with budgeting and numbers. SO cleans, he is better at organizing, If we go on outings we both decide but I might plan the day while he makes sure things run smoothly. etc

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 1:09 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • That makes sense. I am trying to make daily things go smoothly, such as dinners, showers, bedtimes, rules of the house, etc. I find his passive ways make me have to step out of my element of comfort and raise my voice since nobody is listening. I seem to not be heard and it's hard when the kids automatically respond to his voice because it's deeper, but it's like pulling teeth to get him to really step in and back me up. He's obviously not comfortable in that role so I have no choice but to direct traffic so to speak but I feel like its important for me to get him to focus on what I'm trying to accomplish as well and for him to note that my leadership is something the kids should respect.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:20 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • Well, it doesn't matter how passive he is, if he doesn't want to follow, you're not going to be able to be the leader. I would suggest sitting down with him, telling him it's important to you to be on the same page with him. Try to discuss and find out from him what you both want for your home, then you can be the one to execute the rules and you'll know he's backing you up, even if he's phlegmatic about it.

    Answer by Adelicious at 1:24 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • To Adelicious, a great idea and I've done it and the results were not good. So I executed an idea that revolved around a new location to move to when we would be able to afford to buy a home. He said he was on board with it, and 2 months later when we were about to meet with the lender, he flaked out and said he wasn't ready and didn't know when he would be ready to make a decision to buy and that renting was more comfortable for him.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:34 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • One more thing to add. I suggested counseling and we went for 6 mos. Seemed to be doing ok and stopped going because we both felt able to take what we learned and continue it. However, less than a month from stopping counseling, he does a 180 on me and starts behaving like a complete child with resentment issues. It's as if everything we learned from the counselor went out the window. I'm not convinced that staying in counseling long term is a great idea to use as a crutch.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:56 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • giving dad giftHe sounds passive aggressive. He sounds like my husband of soon to be 25 years. Stay together on parenting. I always act as if . Change what? Make it work day by day because it always changes.


    Answer by rosetoes at 1:58 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • Sounds to me like there is more going on than personality here. Something in his past? does he have some kind of fears of decision making? My DH and I have been through counseling too and it has been very disappointing. I still wish we could find a good one, but we're limited where we live. Would he keep going with you? Good luck!

    Answer by Adelicious at 6:45 PM on Dec. 9, 2010

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