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did i do the wrong thing? i sent this letter. please tell me you think. i don't like to hurt people or be mean - it's a real problem bc i get taken advantage of. i never open my mouth. i finally did - and i feel bad. did i mess up? LONG

Please give me your advice. Do i leave it at this? I feel terrible bc I know she will sad... I'm a people pleaser. :( stressed about it.

This is what I sent : (to my mothers, mom. my grandmother. who i have never seen growing up. only the last few years shes been coming around - now that i'm married, and have my own life. it was my mom who kept her from us growing up - now i'm an adult and have to make the hard choice myself. shes been nice (to me), and trying to be "family".)

"It's hard for me to write this email...
I have to be honest with you - and I have to be honest with myself. My Mother is THE most important, and influential woman in my life. She means the world to me. She has loved me, and cared for me, provided for me, and most of all loved me unconditionally since the day that she gave birth to me. I respect my mother with every ounce of my being and I would and will, do anything for her.

My mother went through a lot of things when she was growing up. Things that I do not feel the need to point out. Things that a mother, should never have allowed to happen to their child, things that a mother should have stood up and prevented from happening - and not done herself.

I have looked into my Mothers eyes - for a lot of years growing up - and I have seen the sadness of a hurt little girl. I tormented, scarred little girl. A little girl who you abandoned many many years ago. In doing that, you've cost yourself a lot over the years. You've lost your daughter - who could have made your life so wonderful - your granddaughters, and now a great grandchild... and I assume much more...

You have hurt my mother so many times, in so many ways, and have put holes in her heart - that she may have thought would never be filled. The truth is, that they have been filled. Filled by an amazing husband who has helped her through so many dark days. Who has been there for her, and her daughters, through thick and thin. Filled by her daughters - who thanks to know one but herself, have been raised with so much care. Filled by a grandson who she will hold in her arms any minute she may choose. My mother has so much love in her life now. More than anyone could imagine. My Mother let go of you - and your hurt, a long time ago. I will not watch anyone hurt my Mother. I cannot be a part of anything that would bring up such horrible memories, that she has worked so hard to forget.

You trying to pry your way into my life, and my sisters life, is something that will hurt my Mother. I do not, and will not, lie to my mother. I am an open book to her. I won't keep any relationship from her. If it's a relationship that would be hurtful to her - to the woman who raised me - I just will not be a part of it. You did many terrible things over a lot of years. You allowed many terrible things to happen. Knowing this - I cannot have any respect for you. I cannot respect my mother with all of my heart, and have room to have any positive feelings for someone who's been so hurtful.

I am asking you, out of respect for my mother, to not be a part of my family's life. We have everything we need, in each other; and if there was anything that you could ever do for my mother - it would be to just let go and walk away...... like I am now."

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:21 AM on Dec. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (22)
  • Honestly.. that about made ME cry..

    But you obviously feel very strongly about the situation and the things your grandmother put your mother through.

    I too am very close to my mother and would should out anyone who hurt her, even if it was my grandmother. I could maybe understand if your grandmother had tried to fix things with your mother as well, but it sounds like she has not.

    I do not think you are mean.. I think you are an amazing, caring, loving daughter..

    Do what feels right.

    Answer by SuperrMommyy at 10:25 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • It sounds like she may have turned a blind eye to some abuse? Particulary sexual? And if that is the case I would have no respect for her either. You shouldnt feel bad, you dont want to hurt your mother, and while grandma may not realize that some people are too tied up in their own world to consider others feelings.

    (((HUGS))) You werent wrong. You did what you felt you had to do.

    Answer by Sandyr911 at 10:25 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • i saw nothing wrong with that. you told her how you felt and you weren't rude or disrespectful. there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. i don't talk to my father's mother for how she treated my mother. that's my choice and i don't think i'm missing out on anything but she did miss out on the opportunity to know her grand daughter and her great grandson.

    Answer by lovingedward at 10:26 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I think may send this to my grandmother as! I think it's very good, tactful, and respectful.

    Answer by usdragonflies at 10:27 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • It's honest and it's how you feel. So I would not worry about having sent it. Sometimes, people need to be told the truth, and the truth almost always is very, very painful. And someone has to be the one to speak that truth. In this case, that was you. So let it go and enjoy your life with your mom and the rest of your family that is really family.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:27 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • Don't feel bad! You needed to write that letter and your grandmother needed to read it and hopefully take it to heart. When we do bad things, it eventually backs up on us. She shouldn't have burnt that bridge by being so bad to your mom. You should call your mom and let her know what you did. I bet she'd be so proud of you!

    Answer by Gremlyn1980 at 10:27 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I don't know if you messed up or not. Did you? Has you mother forgiven her mother? For what ever she did? is your mother asking you to not see her mother?
    This is not a mean letter your just saying how great your mom is and has been to you. Other than that I don' t know if you messed up.

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 10:29 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I'm so sorry~ My mother and my grandmother do not talk either. It is a very hard situation. You have to do what you can live with. If you are ok with not having her in your life then your decision is right. I still have my mother and my grandmother in my life, I love them both even though they don't communicate with one another but they respect the fact that I won't take a side. But that is my decision, that is what I am happy with. We don't choose our family so naturally that doesn't mean that we are always going to get along with or care for them. I truly believe that if someone, family or not, is causing you any sort of pain then you have the right and the responsibility to let them go. Best of luck to you~

    Answer by ditchen4 at 10:30 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • IMO yes you did mess up. Your grandmother can't change the past. I'm sure she feels bad enough about all the mistakes she's made. Maybe your grandmother trying to be in your life is just the beginning of her trying to make amends. Also, if you don't let her into your life .. how are you going to feel if she passes away? Your moms relationship with her mom sounds like it needs alot of work. However, it shouldn't impact your relationship with your grandmother.

    Answer by bseastrand at 10:30 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • i just feel bad.... she shows up at my house unannounced, calls all the time. (i don't answer the phone anymore) but shes tried to have a relationship with me. and being nice - i just listen to what she says and don't say much... i don't put effort into the friendship - but i don't tell her to eave wither. so i think she "thinks" i'm her friend and that i like her... (well - up until i just sent that letter anyways.) now she probably is very hurt bc she thought we were something else. make sense? i'm sure afraid of hurting her feelings. she doesn't have many people in her life. and she's getting older.... my mom says shes manipulating me... i feel like i'm doing the right thing, i'm just sad about it bc i don't like to be harsh... just needed some reassurance i guess. i try not to talk to my mom too much about it - bc she is very sensitive to the issues....thank you for taking the time to read this post/question, it means alot

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:31 AM on Dec. 9, 2010

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